Moreton Midweek

Tim is TOPS !

2011-07-15T08:47:00.006+01:00

The Tappin Cup is a keenly fought, high octane, T20 game, played within Moreton CC. It has been used by many players over the years to launch their retirement, and is always one of the highlights of the cricketing calendar; well it was for Mr Tappin ! This year the 2 captains were both part of the incredible T.O.P- Tim & Ed, but how would they fare on opposing teams ? Each time is allowed 1 overseas player, and Eton educated Ed, opted for Aussie import Uncle Tone. Flown in to help Rowan with his all important plum tomato harvest, Tony is always up for a game of cricket, but unfortunately this one coincided with yet another failed attempt to emulate David Boon on the flight over here. Boonies record of 52 beers looks pretty safe, but UT felt obliged to give it a "tickle", and his PR office later put this forward as an excuse for his efforts. Big Ian once played for Sussex u16's, but fortunately nobody else knew that, and he joined Tim's XI "under the radar". The rest of the team selections were made in true playground fashion, with the weakest, and least capable being left to the end. On this occasion, it was a genuine mistake that Nige was left until last as we really hadn't seen him come out of the pavilion

Batting first, Tim's Team got off to a flyer, thanks to their skipper, who retired on 33. Nic scored quickly, and Rob also retired looking in good form, but the rest of the team were woeful, and from a strong start were disappointingly 99 for 7. BI was cunningly placed at no 10 to bat with the retirees, and his response was to run out the first one ! However he quickly redeemed himself with an unbeaten 51 to match Rob's equally impressive half century, and a massive 75 run partnership for the last wicket, boosted TT's score to a challenging 174. Special mention for Ed, who caught out his youngest, but despicable behaviour from Swagger, who caught his girlfriend, and celebrated wildly- surely that's not cricket ? UT did bowl some nice "rippers" from the Bear end to briefly enhance his reputation, but Ollie, who couldn't miss the stumps when fielding, decided to bowl some gay leg breaks for his over, most of which ended up near Wallingford.

In reply Ed led from the front, well supported by Swagger- with them both retired, and with a hefty middle order to follow, they were rightly confident of making a bit of a show. BI had other ideas, and sent Lachlan, Charlie and Bomber back to the pavilion cheaply. Never mind UT walks in, and with a Sheila bowling at him- well- fair dinkum fellah, you can't fail here can you ? Nicky has only been playing cricket for a few weeks, but she immediately sensed the fear in UT as he tapped nervously at the crease. All she had to do was bowl straight and full, and the chirpy Aussie was done for; and so it happened......another Australian cricket failure dumped on his backside.
The returning batsmen were dealt with efficiently and quickly to secure a massive 50 run victory for The Landlord's team.
Here you can see Ed being quite gracious afterwards in The Bear as he prepares to hand over the trophy to the better captain, whilst his wife laughs at his bald patch from behind.

Meanwhile Nicky gives Tony a small bottle of, appropriately, cheap & nasty fizz for his flight home to Brisbane.

Thanks to you all for turning out- a jolly good time was had by all.

Your Country needed you !

2011-07-08T08:40:00.005+01:00

Where were you ? You know who you are ! Moreton midweek were facing a German invasion force, and needed every man to stand up and fight for freedom, democracy & English beer.

The list of excuses included:-

Westy: "I'm putting fires out" - well fair enough-carry on- good job

Simon- "I'm watching my daughter's play"- pretty lame, but hardly News of the world headlines.

Bomber- "Nappy needs changing"- shit excuse.

Robbo-"My Mum has sent me on a cookery course"- are you serious ? Blokes don't cook. OK you're part Aussie so you can BBQ, but really not happy that you are poncing around with Delia & Nigella when you should be helping your mates.

Panzers, U boats, Luftwaffe, all heading this way and you're making a nut salad in Surrey.

I digress, Miele suffered a heavy defeat here earlier in the year, and their new recession busting tactic was to head hunt hoover salesmen who can play cricket. They even went to some lengths to disguise one of them as a golfer, in an attempt to fool us.
Moreton batted first, TOP functioned for the first time with a 30+ partnership, but then it all went wrong, with Rory wreaking havoc. Lachlan & Swagger managed to avoid enemy fire completely by getting Ducks, and it was left to a late flourish from Joe & Nige, to salvage some credibility from the situation.107 scored from 20

Captain Swagger looked shell shocked in the break, but he managed to rally the troops in true "blitz" style, singing The White Cliffs of Dover, and calling Nigel "you stupid boy"

Thompy, Smithy, & Joe all got a couple of wickets to keep us in the game, and Stu kept wicket so well that we forgot all about Fanny Craddock. However, Rory was waiting in the wings, and popped up again to sink us. Of course they will all be sacked, as soon as the cricket season finishes, and Miele revert to their core business of flogging hoovers.

Next week Tappin Cup. Every Man, Woman & Child please

Hip Hip......

2011-07-01T08:38:00.003+01:00

Our 10th game of the season saw the return of some familiar, but recently absent, faces to the "almost all conquering" midweek XI.

Simon C has recently moved house, changed job (nothing new there) and squeezed in a new hip- how would this affect his cricket ?

Stuart Locke has finished Uni, is restarting Uni and wants to be our keeper- how would Rob, our incumbent, deal with the usurper ?

Peter " gotta new kitchen" Lancaster is of course a semi-regular midweeker, when mannying duties allow- but would it be "grizzle Bomb" or "mega Bomb" tonight ?

Question 2-answered firmly by Rob who arrived at the pavilion at 4pm to hide the keepers gloves and put on his pads.

Question 3-will never be answered, as any moment of Bomber genius is nearly always followed by Bomber clowning around like a half wit.

Question 1-he certainly seemed to be moving OK in the field- all his usual movement restored- namely hand to pocket to blackberry - return to pocket and... relax. His physio has worked intensively on this most important aspect of Simon's game, and we were thrilled to see it in operation again. Simon admitted that he hadn't chosen the full options package that included all moving parts in his hip, so the true test was yet to come. I'm also worried about that shock absorber thingy Si- I think you should have forked out for a heavy duty upgrade. So, on with the game...

We fielded first with Jonny & Westy looking good, but Aston made a steady start to take the early initiative. Jonny played his spin cards, Thompy, Lachlan & Simon with great results, including 3 wickets for "Hippy" dropping them out of the sun off a short walk up. Lachlan bowled well, but no fifor this week, and Thompy chipped in with 2 for himself. 4th choice spinner Smithy looked slightly peeved, but still found time to apologise and take 2 wickets. It was noted that their imported player, who doesn't even know where Aston nr Bampton is, experienced some misfortune with "the hand of Rob" intervening nicely. Bet Stu couldn't have done that. Target 125- par score- game on.

It's well documented that TOP has not functioned to its usual high standards recently, and yet again Ed went early, leaving his partner to try and hold things together. Rob hit a breezy 20, Stuart got a duck and so did Grizzle Bomb, so it was looking pretty tight. The new graduate compounded a bad evening for himself by giving a couple of his team mates out lbw too ! Simon played a couple of top shots, without hip movement, to entertain us, but it was down to Sammy, Westy & Lachlan that we hit target with minimal fuss. Lachlan finishing it off nicely with a couple of sixes.

9/10 Hooray !!

Next week those pesky hoover salesmen are back.....

Grumpy 2 Trumpy

2011-06-24T07:26:00.002+01:00

A new fixture for us, and an away one 'cos Nige doesn't get out much. He sold it to us as a game against old friend Squeak's team, in the idyllic riverside town of Dorchester. We imagined playing in the shadows of Dorchester Abbey, by the banks of the river, with a short stroll to the pub, so most of us arrived in a chirpy mood looking forward to a pleasant evening. In reality we played in a cow field in Berensfield, with Kabul CC's pavilion, complete with anti grenade shutters, doubling up as a Muslim style bar. One of our number was already in a foul mood; Lachlan "it's not fair" MacGregor was arguing with his bro, Rob "I don't care " MacGregor about a new scoreboard, hangovers, and life in general.

Anyway TOP were sent out to bat, but Ed soon perished, and Nige followed first ball, so the wobble was on. Sammy had left the DH at home, so Nigel got away with minimal humiliation. Meanwhile Tim & Rob repaired the damage and retired (Lachlan umpiring had other ideas, but his spiteful attempt to give Rob out was unsuccessful). Yes, we retired- section 4 of the Thursday night contract of engagement, stipulates, that "once a player reaches 25 runs, he shall retire at the end of that over". This avoids great players, like Tim & Rob, ruining the game by greedily scoring all the runs. We also spotted one of their fielders returning the ball with one foot over the boundary, but let it pass in accordance with section 1, namely "the game will be played by gentleman in the proper spirit of the occasion ". Lachie, still umpiring was now very angry with everybody, as he watched Piglet, Ben & Sammy all plunder the bowling, and generally enjoy themselves. Sammy retired, so that's 3 of us retired- did anyone notice that ? Just time for Swagger to chip in with a golden of his own, before we posted a good score of 157 off 20.

Al "got no trousers" Squires & Jonny "got no runs" Yaxley opened the bowling, and kept the squeeze on. Thompy, despite dropping a couple, eventually came good with 2 wickets, and Ed took a stunning catch on the boundary, prompting mass celebrations. Bat walked off, spectators told him Ed had stepped over the rope (sound familiar ?)- umpires looked spineless, bat came back- we accepted with good grace (see sect 1). Umpires asked to check if Berensfield's best had reached 25 yet (see sect 4) "Oh yes I'll check with the scorer " he replies. Nothing happens, so we continue "in the spirit of the game " and eventually get him out for 47- excuse me ? In the meantime Mr Grumpy is spotted with just a slight smile; his brother, threatening to puke all over the batsmens back, triggers an evasive, forward movement out of the crease, allowing a stumping. This clever trick is repeated twice more, and Lachie is now definitely smiling. Just to prove he can do it without Rob's help, he takes a cracking C&B to trump everyone's achievements, with 5 wickets. Happy Days !

Thanks to Timmy & Benny for helping us out -hope you enjoyed the scenery.

See you next week. Sorry can't get any pics to upload this week.

Captain Beaky missing !

2011-06-17T22:18:00.005+01:00

Members of the public are warned not to approach this individual as he has the capability to bore a man to death with his nasal, droning drivel........................................................

So, we were all set to resume our annual hostilities with the man himself, only to be informed that he declined the offer to play this year and would not be appearing again in this fixture until we started being nice to him. So it looks like bye bye Beaky then!

We quickly got over the disappointment when we found out that alongside the old guard the team appeared to be packed with the gobbiest yoof that Wantage has to offer.
Mill Street won the toss and the fun began.

Jonny and Westy opened the bowling, both desperate to be the first to hit the brand new stumps.Probably trying too hard as Mill Street got off to a flyer with the milky bar kid carting the ball all over the place and retiring on 25 in the fifth over.

Bomber and Wilfy provided the amusement in the field, ably assisted by pretty much everyone else come to think of it as Mill Street racked up a pretty decent 145 for 6. Tompy was his new found economical self and Lachlan despite getting a bit of tap weighed in with 3 wickets. A special mention for the Landlord at this point who in spite of being on the lash all day still found the time to send Dave Templedoom flying into the shelving in the changing room.Nice assault sir!

Here we were then at the halfway point and obviously buoyed by their total, the yoof of Wantage started opening their pre-pubescent gobs. What they hadn't bargained for was Nigel who revelling in his role as the new wednesday night pinch-hitter hit his first ball for 6. Moreton got off to a flyer reaching 81 for 3 from the first 9 overs thanks in the main to the ex man mountain (more a man hillock now) Bomber and man of the match Wilfy. Wilfy only received his call up 45 minutes before the game and proved correct the old Moreton adage that no preparation is the best preparation. He flayed the ball to all corners of the ground in a fantastic exhibition of top quality slogging, going on to retire at 28 with only 2 singles in his total.
We still had time for a wobble with Jonny,Westy and Dave Templedoom mustering only 1 run between them (no need to go into details). However this was just to lull the little gobshites into a false sense of supremacy.
Our Thursday night team bats deeper than most and this was proved by Sammy and Tompy finally putting them to the sword and out of their collective misery with some more big hitting.This included a huge 6 over the pavilion from Tompy.

Then the most amazing thing happened. The constant earache that we had all been suffering from suddenly stopped as the little shits just shut up. You could almost hear a pin drop now, well you would have been able to if it weren't for all the loud raucous celebrating from the home team as we passed their total with 4 overs to spare.

So that is 7 out of 8 for us now and onto Dorchester next week.

Well done boys.

Captain Swagger

Where' the GOAT ?

2011-06-10T10:17:00.006+01:00

Let's be honest, it had to end sometime soon. We've played poorly before, and got away with it, but this time Southfield & grandsons did us. I don't have a massive problem with that in itself, but I am fed up with the selfish attitude of one of our "regulars". When the shit hits the fan, we're in it together, and we collectively deal with it by blaming one person- the scapegoat. Wikipedia suggests:-

"Scapegoating is the singling out of an individual for negative treatment or blame; also known as a whipping boy or fall guy ". So, having lost, we all needed a spot of scapegoating, so it was utterly frustrating that the team scapegoat was absent. Jonny had informed us that Peter, over the course of the last week, had text through the following excuses for not playing.....

a) still had a sore arse after his triathalon on Sunday

b) that Grace was having her hair done

c) his children needed him to provide light entertainment & cook them fishfingers

d) he was taking a conference call from his business contacts

e) he was involved in a photo shoot for the latest MCC coaching manual

f) he had been commissioned to paint a picture

g) he was scared of a hard ball

Obviously only one of these excuses was really credible, but nevertheless, we were scapegoatless, whipping boyless & fall guyless, when it really mattered.

We bowled reasonably, fielded poorly, and had a target of 20 runs more than we should have allowed. Goat's replacement was Will Mac, a handy cricketer, on any day except a Thursday; his contribution of 0-23 and 4 runs was quite simply not up to scratch. He,Tim & Ed were all done for pace by someone who looked even older than Nigel. Jonny, Rob and Sam all batted really well, but TOP & Co had left them too much to do. It was left to Jonny to provide some late entertainment by felling Nigel who was umpiring at square leg, with a well timed shot, that Westy would have been very happy with. Sadly, he later made a full recovery, and was seen showing his bruises round the pub, which is not a pretty sight

Next week, Bomber, please, please say YES. Your team needs you !

Justice prevails..............

2011-06-03T08:50:00.005+01:00

After last week's fiasco, when Blewbury failed to turn up because of a little bit of rain (I told them we should have played on their plastic wicket) Thursday night's team were keen to maintain their perfect start to the season. Tonight we hosted Aston (the one over near Wales) who not surprisingly thoroughly enjoy their bi-annual foray into civilisation, and they usually bring a strong team with them. Jonny got wind that they had a KP like allergy to left armers, so packed the team with these collectors items, including the rarely seen Joe "my cheque's in the post" Wardle. The intelligence proved accurate, and their openers comfort was rudely interrupted by lefties in the shape of Smithy & Thompy, who both bagged a brace of Astonites. Joe grabbed 3 for himself (he's a growing lad) including a tree felling yorker to rip out middle stump. Other fielding highlights included a special display, straight out of a manual, from a grizzle free Bomber, no doubt dedicated to all those spectators who had failed to get tickets to the men's Olympic shot putt final. Amazingly when you analyse Bomber's movement in super slo mo HD, it looks just the same as it does at "normal" speed- ugly.

King Sledge Yaxley persuaded his opposite number that he was indeed nervous, and should return immediately from whence he came. Josh "I'm an atheist"Slade got more invaluable experience in the field, and Rob did a great job behind the stumps as usual. Who haven't I mentioned.......... oh yes- Nigel's very personal, some would say spiteful & vindictive vendetta against Westy continues, as he refused to catch a dolly at square leg; hopefully he will never need the services of Blue Watch, who were on hand to witness this extraordinary spat.

So a target of 120 seemed straightforward, given that it was a Thursday and not a Wednesday.

Aston opened up with their own leftie in tandem with recently sacked ex-skipper Brummy "oi right mayt" Mark, and they managed to remove T.O.P consigning them to T.U.P* for the rest of the innings.Paddy walking in at 3 is a very reassuring sight for the batting team, but the scales were balanced by Bomber at 4. Such is his eloquence, that Bomber managed to talk his leg bye into a run in order to avoid the duck hat. Fortunately the stewards later convened in The Bear and righted this gross miscarriage of justice, so the records will show yet another duck for Bomber, and the good news is there's no right of appeal. The justice system in this country is rightly the envy of the world, and Bomber you should accept the court's decision with grace- I've heard she's happy with the decision anyway.
Sam & Paddy took the innings into calmer waters with some majestic batting, and Westy put Nigel out of his mind, to bat with clarity and authority, taking us to the brink of victory. Who would you expect to appear at the crease for the final act ? Yes Swagger popped up at this most opportune moment. With the scores level, one of the umpires tried to stop the fight early, but thankfully common sense prevailed and Jonny was allowed the chance to score the winning run; he selflessly rejected the chance by holing out to short mid wicket, allowing the tyrant Hessey to snatch the glory.

Next week: Southfield Supercalifragilisticexpialidociouis Stars for The Magnificent 7 ?

* U is for Umpiring - in case you cared

Huntin, Shootin & Fishin for DUCK

2011-05-20T08:57:00.008+01:00

Cuxham is a tricky away game, and we haven't won there for 3 years. Their wicket is known to be a bit problematical, but news filtered through that they had invested heavily in the wicket, and it would play well;. the faces in the know, suggested 125 would be a par score.A strongish Moreton team turned up, with Will, Rhod, Westy & Ben making their first Thursday night appearances of the season, with Nigel "my kit is in the car " Hessey on standby should we need him (normally at least one player car gets lost on the way here, and is never seen again ). First view of the wicket confirmed that some investment had been made, but on closer inspection, some "damp spots" were noted on the outfield- Cuxham assured us that this was just where the players had a pee, due to the lack of "facilities" at the ground, but I'm sure I saw one of them fishing there when we arrived.

Moreton batted first with Will attempting to fill the boots of Tim's usual TOP colleague Ed. Tim found it rather confusing that Will was still there after the first 2 overs had passed, but soon adjusted to batting with a "cricketer" and the OP clocked up 49 without mishap.

Cuxham lost their opening bowler Dale "hedge" Winton, who fell awkwardly trying to stop one of Tim's drives- suffice to say that he no longer looks quite so pleased with life ............................................

Moreton sportingly offered Nige as a sub, and the game resumed, with Tim & Will retired, and Bomber in charge of today's duck parade. He didn't disappoint, returning to the pavilion immediately, sporting a large bruise on his thigh, as conclusive evidence of his inability to get out of the way of a straight ball. Thompy kept him company, again missing a straight one, but it was left to Lachlan to achieve the highest duck accolade of getting out without facing a ball. Meanwhile Rhod had somehow managed to plunder the bowling, even with the undoubted hindrance of being doubled up with laughter. Having looked like getting 200, we had to settle for 130- still above par according to the experts. Only 3 ducks this week then.

Swagger & Westy opened the bowling, and I don't think I have seen better on a Thursday night. After 8 overs, Cuxham were a feeble 10 runs for 5 wickets, and the duck shoot was in full flow. Sammy joined in the fun with a fine spell, yielding 4 wickets, including a real "ripper" that Warney would have been proud of. The "highlights package", as Ben coined it, concluded with Cuxham demolished for just 36 miserable runs. Total ducks bagged by us =6, meaning total "duckage " for the match of 9- is that a record ? A couple of pints at the pub followed by some crispy duck, and we left Cuxham searching for their "guarantee " certificate from the company who prepared their wicket.

Next week Blewbury in unfamiliar territory- here !

Giant Haystacks

2011-05-13T17:41:00.005+01:00

On arrival this week, regular "midweekers" recognised the unmistakable figure of the "immovable object" fielding at midwicket; a super injunction prevents me from naming him, but the silhouette was unmistakable, confirmed by the ginger wisp of hair on top- only the lack of a blackberry, putting doubt in some player's minds. Both teams agreed to let him field for them, so as not to have to disturb him, or ask him to do the unthinkable.... move.

Sammy "always the son" Smith was missing, apparently on tour with The Stranglers, rather than supporting his midweek mates. Jonny lost the toss, so had to sport the duck hat rather longer than ideal. Al, Jonny & Josh bowled well, but tonight's bowling star was Lachlan, who picked up a fourfor and even ran someone out without the ball. Bomber was out fielded by the "stack", who didn't put a foot wrong. Allsorts registered a miserable, feeble & totally pathetic 51- a total they should be ashamed of. Swagger was so confident he headed straight for the showers, exuding maximum confidence in his teammates. At 16-6 we had to turn the water to cold to get him out; the Moreton juggernaut had stalled, and was overheating in the layby. Bomber had inexplicably run himself out, whilst others had played injudicious shots. Experience, a cool head, and a straight bat were required, and it thankfully arrived in a small package called Al Squires. An heroic performance to rescue his Dad, and mates, from the potential embarrassment of losing to a bunch of part-timers from Didcot. Result- a comfortable 1 wicket win.

Next week Cuxham away

Footnote: Sam "golden brown" Smith is planning to use the haystack as part of his set, for part 2 of his blockbusting video "At home with Mrs Squires".

4 Big Ducks

2011-05-06T08:50:00.004+01:00

Some pre-match selection issues this week, with at least 16 players seeking the privilege of representing Moreton Midweek. A tough call for Mr Waxley, who briefly considered proportional representation, before turning to the much simpler method of financial representation. Having culled non paying members, those whose cheques bounced, and bankrupts, he was slightly short, but eventually turned out a lean & mean XI to face the might of Germany's elite hoover salesmen.

Miele presumably faced their own selection problems, having recently "let go" several employees who knew their way round a cricket bat rather better than they did a hoover.

Ed had control of the duck hat, but not for long. His thinly disguised, in fact totally undisguised, glee at passing it to Tim, was at least matched, in fact totally surpassed, by the immediate transfer to "golden boy" Bomber. Bomber's despair was brief, unfortunately, and he was soon able to return it to its rightful owner Ed. So after 2 overs, Moreton were in deep trouble at 2 for 3 with the U-boats circling for the kill. A 14 ball over, yielding 23 runs helped stabilise things, and Badger (44) Matt (42) and Thompy (24) ensured a healthy total, but not before Sammy fell to young Josh, and Jonny took pity on Ed, grabbing the duck hat for himself. Moreton ended on 163 for 9, but some concern was voiced about the overcrowding on the village pond, and a short break ensued, whilst the RSPCA investigated.

Play continued, affording the aforementioned ducks a chance to redeem themselves. Duck 1 (Tim) effected a run out and stopped everything coming his way, Duck 3 (Ed) managed 2 run outs, swooping like a preying mantis on speed, and Duck 4 (Jonny) bowled superbly, 2 for 4, including his 100th wicket for Moreton.* The more astute of you are asking about Duck 3 (Bomber), who sporting his brand new "concentration camp " look, evaded 2 simple catches and generally clowned around in the deep- so no redemption there then. Nigel "the enforcer" Hessey did his bit for youth development by catching young Josh, and then giving him a Churchillian salute, Al & Sammy bowled really well for their 2 wickets each, and Rob, Volvo, Bugalugs, CC1, Junior MacGregor kept wicket in fine style to wrap up a thumping win for Moreton.

The Moreton Juggarnaut rolls on to Inter Allsorts next week

* I took a phone call late last night from a Mr Moany Wincer, from Brightwell-cum- Sotwell, who suspects Mr Waxley's claim of 100 wickets is incorrect; after checking the scorebooks, he can only find 98 wickets..................

"Do I get my sweeties now Mr Waxley ?"

2011-04-29T09:09:00.003+01:00

For the 2nd week running, thanks to a Friday BH, this was a Moreton Endweek game on the rec; this time against Wally Squash Club. The usual array of impressive athletes, augmented with great batsmen, such as Tim Wigley & Ben Ray. Our own dressing room looked pretty rich on talent too, but Jonny, as always, likes to give some of the lesser lights a chance, so he had also invited Kaz & Fletch for an outing to balance things up.

WSC started well, with some tight bowling from Jonny, unfortunately undone by some slack stuff from Kaz. Skip brought on Sammy with stupendous result; 3 overs, 3 for 10, comprising their top 3 batsmen, including Piglet for a duck, all caught. More left arm spin, this time from Thompy kept them on the slide, after their comfortable start. Then the "masterstroke"- on came Josh "thank you Mr Waxley " Slade, and he immediately, "pleased" his captain with a wicket with his very first ball for Moreton CC. After a couple of jelly babies and a lollipop, he took Ben Ray's wicket too (another duck), and finished with 2 for 8 on debut. Good fielding tonight, no significant drops, good keeping from Badger, Fletch mopped up the tail end charlie's, and a special mention for Joe & Dave, because..... they do need a mention. Our target of 81 from 15 eight ball overs looked straightforward.

The Duck Hat, a feature of Thursday cricket, was not required last week, which believe me is unusual. Not so shy this week, with Ed demanding it in the first over, clearly expecting to pass it on quite quickly. Having retained the yellow hat all evening, it's rumoured that he woke up with it still on this morning; we need to check footage of Sammy's latest movie " At home with Mrs Squires " to verify this. Tim, Badger & Thompy ensured no more alarms, and Swagger managed to get himself into the middle to steer his ship home.

Jonny was last seen heading off to cash & carry, to stock up on treats for his young apprentice, and finally, on a sad note, Badger was given a final warning regarding his green & gold outfit- hopefully he has learnt from his mistake.

Next week: Abingdon Hoover salesmen- home

P.S. No Fletch -I haven't forgotten that lbw decision !

Stealth Bomber

2011-04-22T09:09:00.009+01:00

A balmy Thursday evening, blue skies, high temperatures, a slimline Bomber (no that's not a drink !)- it can't be April in North Moreton-pinch yourself, it's real. First fixture is Footballers CC XI or was it XIII. FCC traditionally borrow players from Moreton and from Blewbury, with the original "footballing" qualification long forgotten; nevertheless a thoroughly enjoyable fixture, with due credit to their captain with his shiny new bat, for not over-using their more skilled artisans.

Moreton welcomed back its "old faces", some with a new look- did you spot the difference above ?

The youngsters included Al, Joe and newboy Josh "Hello Mr Waxley" Slade. Bowling first, it was youth to the fore with Al & Joe both picking up 3 wickets, and Sam, unlucky not to get a stumping. "Experience" were happy offering skip advice on field placings, naturally ensuring there was nobody at home when the ball was edged to slip- sorry mate ! Badger's donkey drops were effective, but Volvo's weren't (despite the wicket) and FCC accelerated to a respectable 127.

T.O.P started brightly, and the spectator who can't be named was apparently upset that his "house" was under threat; on a point of law, and for the record, I think you'll find it's a bungalow. Stealth was in next, and despite suffering from a vast array of ailments, proceeded to smash the ball around the park in entertaining fashion; the hours of net practice on his own are really starting to pay off. Meanwhile Paddy was accumulating at the other end in the anchor role, unruffled even when hit on the head by a Wags bouncer. Wags was also playing at being a bit of an anchor, and was berated by his captain for being "the worst ringer I've ever had" duly demoted to scoreboard duty. Sam hit Josh for a 6, and immediately apologised, Jonny finished with a swagger, the duck hat was not required, and a comfortable win rounded off a great evening.

Next week it's Wallingford Squash Club

Moreton Beer & Cricket Festival 2010

2010-08-09T08:30:00.005+01:00

Our 3rd year & "the best yet" according to most of you. The weather was kind, the music superb, the cricket was wonderfully entertaining & the beer & cider flowed.

I thought The Homestead commentary box worked particularly well, so thanks to all of you who did a stint in there; I can only think of one person who disagrees with this sentiment., hopefully he'll do a stint in the box next year ? What do you reckon Tony ?

A big thank you to those that worked so hard to put this event on- there are a few too many of you to mention, without it sounding like an Oscar's acceptance speech, but you know who you are & thank you !

A short, light hearted, review of the cricket follows below- I must confess I didn't see that much of Thursday or Fridays games, and I know Jonny will write something about our emphatic win over Cuxham, but if anyone fancies penning a few words about Thursday's high scoring game v Warborough boys, I would be delighted.

SATURDAY 31st JULY 6 a side competition.

After Wimbledon Wizards pulled out & Nigel "tough guy" Hessey threw Sutton Courtenay out for failing to answer his emails, we had 2 new teams this year; Warborough Wizards (how convenient) & "The Tourists" a second team from Amsterdam. Seeding ensured last year's finalists, The Grizzly Bears & Amsterdam were kept apart in the early stages, and early form suggested these 2 would again be involved at the k/o stage. Blewbury, smarting from their poor showing last year sent a strong team over, & The Wizards, despite losing to The Bear in a tight group game also went through. Very entertaining semi finals saw Blewbury leave early thanks to the young Wizards heroics & The Bear avenged their loss to Amsterdam in last year's final with a convincing win. So youth v experience in the final; The Bear's team looked good on paper, but 3 days of drinking might be catching up with them ? The Wizards had been on Lucozade all day, and no doubt had been sent to bed at a sensible time the night before, so a close game was expected. To be honest I wasn't expecting to play in the final, so had done a bit of quality control in the beer tent, only to hear that Kaz was injured/ feeling his age. The Wizards batted well, without ever "getting away", and The Bears knocked off the runs relatively comfortably. Getting my hands back on the trophy was fantastic, and all the plaudits must go to our team, assembled at great expense at the IPL auction:-

Rowan Macgregor (Skip)

Sam Fletcher

Kaz Miles

Richard West

Rob Macgregor (Keep)

Jonny Yaxley

Sam Smith

& The Landlord

SUNDAY 1st AUGUST - T20 Triangular Comp

Moreton were joined by our old friends from Amsterdam, and our even older acquaintances from Brightwell-cum-Sotwell. One of the many highlights of this year's festival was Moreton retaining The Anniversary Cup, purchased by BcS, at great expense, won last year by our "2nd XI", and now engraved exclusively with the 7 letters "Moreton". Anticipating victory this year, BcS apparently had a whip round to pay for engraving their village name on their cup, but fell short of the sum required for all 21 characters, and as "right well cum" didn't seem appropriate, they bowed down graciously. To lose off the 6th ball of the 20th over is always going to be hard to take, and we are grateful to "Moany Wincer " for pointing out to his team that they had had a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon, and really shouldn't fret too much over the result. Earlier we had seen Amsterdam beat BcS, who unfortunately ended the day played 2 lost 2. Perhaps the best of all was Moreton v Amsterdam, ending unbelievably in a tie (126 each) with Dive Templedoom the unlikely bowling hero.

Looking forward to next year !

Hero to Zero

2010-07-23T09:35:00.005+01:00

As Blewbury is one of our favourite games, it was an unexpected bonus when they turned up on Thursday instead of FCC; even more surprising, as it was a home game for us, since they are normally unable to "travel" on a Thursday !

Bomber's exploits on Sunday have been well documented, so the team was bullish with him batting at 4. No "long fellow" to open, so Tim & Nige did the honours, with a lucky escape for yours truly, dropped off the first ball; actually even luckier for Templedoom, 'cos he would have had my bat wrapped 'round his head if it had stuck. Nige played aggressively & so did Charlie, and a big innings from Bomber was expected. Bomber's Thursday form is of course piss poor, as we all know, so it shouldn't have been any surprise that he let his mates down again, getting a quick duck, so he could rush back to his beer and continue boring everyone in the pavilion with the tale of how he got his 50 on Sunday. He now plans to "stay at home" waiting for the call from either Hollywood directors, England selectors, or The Benefits Office. Sammy clocked up his 10th Duck of the season with a sweet clip off his legs, straight to a fielder. Swagger had another good knock for 21 & Stuart (17*)& Wicksy(25*) finished with a flurry to bring us up to a respectable 157. This would almost certainly be enough if we were playing FCC as scheduled, but against Blewbury, it might be a tight call ?

Joe & Felch bowled well & both picked up a wicket, with Felch being particularly economical. Jonny also had a good spell, and picked up 3 for 20 off his 4 overs. Unfortunately Wicksy & Smithy leaked runs badly, with special mention for Wicksy who bowled absolute tripe, getting 3 undeserved wickets, with gift wrapped dross ! Bomber plucked a great catch on the boundary, briefly reclaiming "hero" status, before reverting to type 2 minutes later with a buffoon like misfield. Blewbury boys finished the run chase off in the last over, and it was back to The Bear and more "tales of the unexpected" from Bomber.

Here's a photo of Bomber's 50 for you to enjoy at your leisure

Back to reality

2010-07-16T08:45:00.003+01:00

After the heady days of Bordeaux, it was back to earth with Wally Squash Club & a gale force wind. My typing finger has done a fair bit of overtime recently, so this report may not be as extensive as usual; of course if we had won it might well have been different !

WSC batted first and Al & Westy bowled really well to keep a tight rein on the run rate, and at 4-26, we were firmly in control; Al took 3-17 off his 4 overs. At this point, the squash players phoned for help, and biked over a cricketer from Stoke Row, whose arrival coincided with a bout of generosity from Thompy & Wicksy, who both leaked runs faster than the dams of the Ruhr Valley. Smithy had the satisfaction of getting JayJamJani out, but our self appointed fielding coach, Bomber, didn't help our cause by missing a few in the slips, and was eventually banished to the deep, but unfortunately WSC had now got a defendable target of 126.

In very dark conditions, we struggled to find fluency in our batting; Ed (21) & Westy (24) both batted well, Al (16*) performed beyond his years, and a late flurry from Thompy (17) nearly threatened an unlikely win, but the squash club bowlers were pretty accurate with the big red ball, and we fell short by 11 runs.

Crazy Frog bottles it !

2010-07-13T09:02:00.004+01:00

Friday

Probably the highlight of the week, was the game at Chateau Giscours, a troisieme Margaux, producing really good claret. The cricket pitch is in the grounds of the chateau, and we preceded the game with an informative & enjoyable tour. Giscours are French champions & rather fancy themselves- they even have a few French players in their team as Jacques-oh discovered when he referred to the French polo team, who used to train there, as " a load of Frenchmen poncing around on horses" !

Batting first on the strangest of wickets- concrete with coconut matting- a few struggled with the variable bounce, and Rowan took a stinker under the ribs from some Yarpie, before he got off the mark. He went on to top score with 62, which just goes to show you should never annoy an Aussie, especially one with a British passport ! Our score of 136 looked about par, but should have been higher, except a certain person refused to get himself on strike, because he was scared of getting the duck hat. This selfish behaviour deserves to be exposed to the wider world, so, having taken legal advice, I am posting a photo of him now- quick mention for Swagger for a top spot !

Well batted too Sammy Smith- in difficult circumstances he kept calm and played some lovely shots.

Bowling plaudits shared around really, but nice to see Nick Cross in the thick of it at the end, and a special mention for Volvo, who took a decent catch to get rid of Matthew Pincents cousin. Moreton win by 33.

So it's "Jouer trois- gagnez trois" or something like that ! Unbeaten on tour again- unbelievable. A great week- thanks for all the laughs chaps- and a massive thank you to Nick & Jonny for sorting it all out. Special mention too for Ed "Espagnol" Squires and Didier for the superb day they arranged for us on Monday. One final memory is a 2 year old girl taking the piss out of Dive at the airport- some people are born for it ! Bomber we need you next year !

A bientot

Damazan in distress

2010-07-12T08:36:00.003+01:00

Thursday

Unbelievably we have another game of cricket scheduled for today- I make that 2 in 4 days- who organised this schedule, they must be mad ? Luckily I'm down for a rest today, so a stop at the supermarket is required as we try to recreate the Bear at Home bar in Damazan- possibly the most picturesque ground in the South West- or maybe not.

Apparently it's a "bastide" town, well it's certainly a right " bastide" to get too. First impressions were good, although they have the same water melon sales shacks as St Aulaye & the toilet/shower block confuses several of our players who can't decide which is which. If you really want to know about the cricket, there's a Damazan report, written by a guy who was paying attention http://www.damazancricket.com/2010-match-reports. They were pretty impressed with our team, particularly a young chappie they called "Hessic" who "scored a hard hit 51", his first runs on tour since decimalisation. I believe they are looking to sign an "enforcer" for their youth team, and Nige could be their man. Personally I was more impressed with Le Deno who hit a boundary to register a PB of 6 & Jacques Oh, who didn't hit anything and trudged off with the Duck Hat firmly on his head. This was a real low point for him, and he suddenly looked older than Messey & Gibbsey combined. Cue The Temple of Doom, who 2 minutes later met the same fate, and Jacques Oh was up and charging on to the field like a puppy, maybe quite a fat puppy, but nevertheless a dramatic transformation. Dave hardly made it off the square before having the Chapeau de Canard rammed onto his ginger nest. The only other moment of note that I saw was Damazan's founder, Jean Claude, walking in to bat, with the job of saving the match for them; apparently he had driven for nearly 3 hours to get here, promptly got a duck (a fine catch by Felcher, considering he was sucking on a straw at the time) and faced another 3 hour drive home. So we returned to Bordeaux in high spirits with an unbeaten record, and prospects of another night out on the town. One slightly disturbing moment was Twixie letting his hair down, literally, on the bus, and he did deservedly receive a yellow card for this; not as bad as Messey's red card incident on Monday, but still pretty disgusting.

PS can someone send me "Messey the movie" for online publication ?

Percy's favourite Codpiece

2010-07-09T08:59:00.006+01:00

Ed's big contribution to the tour ended today, and Ed is such a great guy that several younger tourists expressed an interest in joining the Squires family. Not sure quite how I'm going to get a balanced book on this, but here are the current odds:-

The Ed Squire's son in law to be challenge stakes

(for ungelded colts with small brains )

Betting is win only, or in Ed's case lose only

2/1 Le garcon Schmidt

3/1 Any McDonald brother (3 runners)

4/1 Any Bugalugs from Smith's Cottage ( 3 runners from this stable too)

10/1 unnamed Didcot Chav

100/1 Dive Simpleman

Wednesday

Today has been set aside for eating & drinking, as it's quite important to get the right balance of high octane sport, mixed with rest & relaxation; there had been some mutterings that we had overdone the cricket a bit, so this was a chance to balance the books. Booked in to La Tupina, which everyone looked forward to except Percy, who prefers a nut roast to a rare steak. But first some culture for a select group of tourists, who were seen taking brass rubbings in the cathedral, follwed by a trip on the toy train. Rest of us sparked up with an armagnac, before heading to the restaurant. This is one of France's top restaurants, and The Herald Tribune described it as 2nd best in the world ! Having enjoyed delicacies such as 8hour shoulder of Lamb & Carpaccio of Duck, I think the experience was best summed up by Rowan, who came out with "YUM ! " Even Percy was happy, as his Codpiece was apparently very succulent, in fact so good that he has posted a picture of it below.

A trip to Bar a vin was rewarded with some fine wines at subsidised prices-it was fortunate that Ed had kindly left his tab open, and the day rounded off nicely with Germany ausganging out of the World Cup. Finally more culture on the way home with another chapter of Bleak House in Chas Dicken's hostelry. The two "big O's" Deno & Jacko insist on an early night as they have had the nod from Monsieur X that they will be in the starting XI tomorrow.

Bugalugs !!

2010-07-08T08:36:00.002+01:00

OK so firstly who or what is Bugalugs ? Found a definition as follows:-

An Australian term of endearment, similar to "Mate" but usually used in a slightly more patronising tone and with less immediate masculine connotations. A good example is a parent describing a son or daughter, or an older person describing a young person. The term is usually used playfully.

So the more astute will now know who Bugalugs is, and the "Ou est theme" continues with Bugalugs being the latest boy overboard. At least Dive the "fountain of no knowledge " is present, if not correct, at breakfast. The difference this time is that one person does care about the missing person, and Rowan had been heard shouting "Boysie" all through the night in a vain attempt to get Robert back from the red light district. He had been about to reach for his strides, when the errant boy returned, and we left them to a small family discussion, extracts of which included .....
"honestly mite..............grounded....................worried sick................5 euros etc etc"
We travelled to St Aulaye, stimulated by the team news being released by Kazpello 2 hours before the game; no great surprises, and of course Bugalugs was dropped on Dad's instructions. We eventually spotted the roadside watermelon sales hut that doubles as their pavilion, and jumped enthusiastically off the bus. When Wynford had dreamt of setting up a cricket club near Bordeaux, it was the thought of getting a load of gobby Englishmen, plus Rowan, wearing lemon polo shirts, blaring Ole Ole Ole across the outfield, that kept him going in his long search for a watermelon shack. Batting first, TOP had a bad start, with Ed getting a duck; it got worse when we realised nobody had brought the step ladders, so the tricky logistical problem of getting the hat on his head had to be overcome, before the game could continue. Rowan was taken out by a U-boat ball, but Felcher & Grincement led the recovery, with Pompier showing off in front of Blue Watch, to push us past 200. The Ole boys kept us going in the field, and heroic efforts from our bowlers kept us in the game, with victory being achieved in the final over by 7 runs; this handily increased the significance of my own 8 run contribution to the game.
Jonny kindly made arrangements for us to see the Holland game, in a conveniently situated bar, just 2 blocks away. The rest of the evening followed a familiar pattern, I think, and we finished as usual with a cultural trip to Charles Dickens Bar.

Ou est Dave ?

2010-07-07T08:42:00.003+01:00

sunday- arrive in Bordeaux, check into our rooms, which were clean, but hardly spacious; in fact if Nigel had brought his cat with him, he would not have been able to swing it, and already some members of the tour party were plotting how to avoid spending the night there. Tour blogging is usually easy- you just watch Bomber, and the rest takes care of itself. This year looked tougher, with plenty of candidates trying to provide material. We kicked off with a waterfight led by able fireman Westy, and there were some concerns that Dave might be a bit pissed. Luckily he had taken a photo of our hotel tram stop, so we were reassured that he wouldn't have a problem getting home........................

monday- no sign of Dave at breakfast, and the first divisions of the tour party were exposed. The "yes worries" group, clearly concerned for Dave, started phoning round hospitals, whilst the "no worries" faction carried on regardless, occasionally stopping to berate him for being so selfish. A trip to the beautiful St Emilion and a rake of Armagnacs calmed everyone, until the news we had all dreaded came through.........................Dave had been found alive. Stories were circulating of Dave swimming the Gironde and being rescued by a police helicopter, before being rushed to hospital- so Dave does have a fertile imagination after all.

Police sources later confirmed that a ginger haired twat was found trying to nick a euro out of a fountain, and was too drunk to climb out. Several passers by had been deterred from rescuing him when they saw an alarming, brightly coloured zit on his head, but as the city water supply was now at risk from the poison, police had no choice but to step in, and pull him out. A very angry police spokesman said Bordeaux police were very pissed off with Monsieur Dive Simpleman, as they now had wet socks, and they would be sending him a large bill.

Dive met us at a vineyard later with hospital instructions in French, which fortunately Ed was able to translate, " do not let the patient dry out too quickly"- thus Dive's health was made a priority for the rest of the day. Percy declared this " the besht day ever, ever in thirty four years of touring". Jaques Oh was overjoyed at the copious amounts of duck made available to us, saying it was his second best day on tour ever. Returning to the city, we made an unsceduled stop for a senior tourist, and he repeated the feat at what is now known as "techno corner" by turning himself inside out in spectacular style. Percy thought local planners might reject his choice of hues for the pavement grout, but we were reassured that they would tone down eventually . I'm pretty sure the next 24 hours will be uneventful- check back later to see if I'm right.

Aston hammered again...............

2010-07-02T08:42:00.007+01:00

Thanks to Volvo & Swagger for giving me a break from the blog, but my fans have now demanded I return.

But first a Tappin Cup postscript.................Georgia has just got a new pet, and she tells me she wants to call her rabbit Lockey. As I wasn't at the TC, I'm not sure of the significance of this news, but I can tell you, Georgia hasn't stopped laughing for a week- what's this all about eh ?

Anyway back to BrummyWindBag & The Dudlaay Boys. I must say BWB looked a little deflated when I saw him; perhaps he was remembering the heavy defeat his DB's suffered here last time, or maybe he just took the wrong exit off spaghetti junction. Whatever the reason, it was certainly easier on the ear this time, and he's now officially downgraded to just BB. No "our Graham" this time either for Thompy to torture; his replacement being Bryn Rhys Huw-Jones, from I'm not quite sure where ?

Moreton selection news centred around Volvo choosing to attend a gay picnic by the river rather than help his "Midweek" mates win a game of cricket. In a risky move, Volvo sent his younger bro Lachlan to take his place, and he immediately slotted into the team, with the added bonus that he actually brushes his hair.

Unfathomably, Bomber appointed himself "fielding coach", demonstrating to Sammy and others, how to get your "hot pie cabinet" behind the ball and prevent a boundary. More Tee Hee Hee than MCC, but thanks for your input Bomber !

With Al & Swagger bowling well, but without luck, Skip decided to bring on Wicksy for some of his new medium pace cutters. Wicksy though, had other ideas, insisting that it was December already, and reverted to his generous spin drivel. Whatever he may tell his grandchildren, he just got lucky when their number 3 smashed one with a pretty ribbon it, straight to "Sorry" on the boundary. In another inspired change, Jonny chucked Thompy the ball, and once he had picked it back up off the floor, he struck gold with his first delivery. Smithy repeated the trick, and Fletch helped their tail increase their bowel movements with some lively pace at the end.

Target 151- gettable, but no "walk in the park"

As usual "the tall ones" got us off to a flier with 30 on the board after just 2 overs. Next in Lachlan, who whilst his bro was nibbling at cucumber sandwiches, decided he should uphold family honour by blasting 28 in double quick time, before retiring. Meanwhile Ed continued the retirement party theme with a majestic 25, and even Bomber weighed in with an unbeaten 33. We were now in danger of running out of carriage clocks, so Smithy & Fletch decided to "push it" for an early finish; victory, a "walk in the park", was sealed by 9 wickets with 3 overs to spare. A superb batting performance to mask the slightly "iffy" efforts in the field- Bomber will be offering more fielding tips if anyone cares to listen.....................................no thought not.

Next Week, Daisy Duck goes to Bordeaux- Bon Chance to all !

We'll be back at The Croft on Thurs 15th July v Wally Squash Club

England beat Australia again.............

2010-06-25T07:33:00.002+01:00

Victories against Australia is always sweet, and the rugby on Saturday morning, and now 2 one day cricket matches this week, mean it's been a great sporting week. Italy crash out of the world cup, England stay in, Wimbledon sees the longest, and most boring, game ever, but the big sports news of the week is still THE TAPPIN CUP. Captain Swagger will post his report here soon- bet you can't wait to read all about it ?

Is it "over & out " for CB ?

2010-06-18T00:01:00.002+01:00

Guest Blogger Rob still wants to write, so why not I say ? Anyway A great victory for Moreton off the last ball against Mill St.

Moreton v Southfield

2010-06-09T23:45:00.003+01:00

Great News for those of you bored with my blogs- I have a guest blogger for you this week. It's none other than Rob "Volvo" Macgregor of Smith's Cottage & Newcastle Uni. As he's reading English, whilst supporting Australia, it should be interesting........over to you Rob

Team Moreton crush Aston

2010-06-04T08:52:00.003+01:00

Firstly this weeks photo was sent in by a Crime watch viewer who was traumatised by seeing this man. Police are still looking for him, but suspect he may have disguised himself by adding some "features" to his featureless face. If you see anyone looking like this, please don't be afraid, contrary to his appearance, he's fairly harmless, and usually misses

Right- on with the cricket..................................

Aston is a neighbouring village; it's also a place near Bampton, who we were scheduled to play, but last night Aston, a suburb of Bermingggum, turned up here by mistake. We politely accepted the challenge, and batted first in glorious sunshine, albeit on an unrolled wicket thanks to mechanical problems with the club roller. Ed (28) & Tim(19) got us off to a flier with 50 on the board in 5 overs, and Bomber(26*) continued the good work with a mixture of 6's & "play and misses" that infuriated their Capt Brummy Wind Bag so much that he nearly stopped gobbing off, much to our amusement. Robbo smacked another quickfire 28 and Jonny chipped in with a few for a change, including a glorious straight 6. A formidable total was on the cards. Sam retained the yellow jersey, I mean yellow hat, as duck race leader with yet another -is that 6?.Thompy came on for the last over, and BWB remembered "our Graham" the forgotten bowler of the team. By the end of the over he was wishing his memory had failed him completely as Thompy thumped 28 off "our kid" in just 6 balls. A lorra lorra runs in a short innings ! A target of 164 was set, and BWB was heard rallying his team in the dressing room. " Don't worray Dudlaaay lads, woil hit it owt the park easay- oi right mayt"

Al & Jonny opened the bowling and Al bowled particularly well, picking up 2 wickets. Jonny was wicketless, but claimed 2 catches. Thompy & Wicksy chipped in with wickets too, and once they were 4 down, the game was over for the visitors, and a visit to a Swiss clinic was in order. They failed to take the many hints about beer, so it was left to Westy to blitz them out with a 4 wicket haul. Great fielding, particularly from Bahamas Bomber, who must be on speed, & tidy keeping from Robbo behind the stumps- no dropped catches methinks ?

Jonny's post match summary..................

"I really enjoyed messing around with the kids at Blewbury last week, but playing with the big boys is even better "

Next week Southfield Superstars.............

Jonny is the pied piper....

2010-05-28T08:49:00.007+01:00

What better place to spend a balmy summer's evening than Blewbury Rec ? On second thoughts don't answer that, we only have 5GB spare capacity on this site.

Their pavilion is surely unique, and houses the largest collection of rare mould and uncatalogued fungus in Western Europe. Clubs from far & wide marvel at this tiny piece of "downtown Kabul" that persists in attractive rural south oxfordshire. Even the neighbouring pigs on the downs enjoy better accommodation ? Perhaps it's all elaborate cover for a magic mushroom farm- who knows ? Anyway, I'm told the parish council have matters in hand, and soon the tennis club will have a new shiny club house. Will this be the end of the Splastic Wicket ?

Back to the cricket, and Blewbury under Capt Piglet, sportingly entered the spirit of the game when they saw half our team had been enticed to the game by Jonny offering them sweeties; Grandpa Hessey being the notable exception.

Jack & Harry were on debut for Moreton, in fact they were playing their first ever game of cricket. Al may be small, but he's a genuine cricket talent in the making, and Dan brought much needed energy & enthusiasm to the match. Scarcely much older is Joe, soon to defect to Toot Baldon, and he opened with Al, and in an awesome spell of 8 overs restricted Blewbury to 32-3. Their big guns got them out of trouble, but full credit to our youngsters for stepping up to the mark, with Joe being top bowling dog with 3-9. Jack chased well in the field, and Harry took the fielding plaudits with a great catch, somewhere near Aston Tirrold, happily waving his "hurty hand" around in celebration.

120 was the target, and skip sent in Tim with Harry, but Harry forgot all he was taught and missed a straight one. Ducky T was quick to pass Daisy the Duck hat on to him, and Jack arrived at the wicket next, and kindly received plenty of coaching from Blewbury's finest. His 3 runs on debut surpassed many other more experienced Moreton players, and once "supercoach" Rowan returns from his wanderings, he'll have plenty of raw material to work on. Ed hit one particulary good 6 in his innings & mention too for Spuz who hit a PB 18 to ensure a respectable 90 for Jonny's youth XI. Once again thanks to Blewbury for entering the spirit of the game- how about a match here next year on real grass -you can even bring your own mushrooms ?

Daisy falls for Sammy

2010-05-21T08:36:00.004+01:00

Daisy woke with a jolt, the familiar sound of cricketers jeering brought her to full consciousness immediately. Something was different this time; none of her usual home comforts here, just a dirty smelly hovel in the middle of who knows where. Same job, new location; she knew what she had to do, and it was usually 3 or 4 times a night, she had no choice, Jonny made sure of that

" Bastard" .

Daisy closed her eyes and waited for the inevitable approach- would it be the big photographer, the even bigger f**ker who tried to pull her leg off, Jonny the pimp, or perhaps the kind old gent from Cholsey. Daisy wasn't good on names, apart from her pimp of course, and she had no intention of getting on first name terms with this lot- it was just a job. She smelt him first, the familiar cheap aftershave of youth, then it was his fumbling touch on her tender thighs. He was so inexperienced, but at least he was gentle as he gripped her skinny legs and eased them apart. As he entered her, Daisy whimpered with pleasure, and opened her eyes to check what she already knew; Sammy was back, and that pleased her more than she wanted to admit. She remembered, with pleasure, the long hours already clocked up with young Sammy this season; there was so much to teach him, starting with not calling out other girls' names at just the wrong moment. "Who are Peyton, Megan & Jules anyway ?"

Daisy's pleasure was rudely interrupted by Pimp Jonny demanding her for himself; she hated him, all that sweaty hair gave her a rash. Mercifully he was quick, and a new face approached. "go on Nick, it's your go " they encouraged. Daisy shut her eyes again and pretended it was Sammy, but she knew it wouldn't be the same. Just as she thought her work was done, another youth demanded some action, and Davey T made it another fourtimer for Daisy. "When will they learn how to bat ?" she mused

Sorry- got a bit carried away there. here's the match report.............

We batted first, but didn't get enough, they batted second and did.

Captain Beaky's last hurrah ?

2010-05-14T08:56:00.006+01:00

A typical Thursday night team sheet, with a wide range of ages & ability, and not a South African in sight. These blended perfectly to give us an all inclusive team performance against Capt Beaky & The Mill St Wanderers.

CB arrived full of it, as usual, and Moreton took to the field for some respite, only for him to follow us out there !
Jonny bowled well without success, and the breakthrough was finally achieved by Sam deftly deflecting a drive onto the stumps with his foot to run out the non-striker; the apology quickly followed. Al, on debut, bowled magnificently, and fully deserved figures of 4 overs 1-11. Dave & Thompy also bowled well to pick up 2 wickets each, and although the fielding was a bit ropey to start with, Thompy's drop was nearly forgotten, when he clung on to a much sharper chance later. Dene "where have my sunglasses gone ? " Taylor, a late sub for Carl "where has my hair gone ? " Jacobs fielded with great credit in the deep, and he'll be another asset in Bordeaux !

Ed & Tim opened, under the watchful eye of "The Swyncombe Scout" , and were soon smashing it all round the ground; after 3 overs The Landlord retired undefeated on 27 with everything under control. Nige avoided the Duck Hat, but Sam got out to a CB yorker, and Jonny grabbed the Duck hat with both hands by firing one straight into a gut bucket in the covers. CB & TMSW now had a sniff, but Bomber, back from "washing his hair" last week, had other ideas, and was soon in the thick of it. He successfully "de-wobbled" the innings with a mature 26*, joined by Thompy who smashed a quick 17 to send CB home, in silence, contemplating his uncertain future.
Next week it's Cuxham away & a few questions to be answered please ..............
Will Wicksey, who has apparently been busy spanking young boys at table tennis, be available ?
Will Westy be "off duty" & "up for it" ?
Will Simon find his way out of the "pink palace" in time ?
Will T.S.S. be watching from the bushes ?

Moreton GAIN !

2010-05-07T09:05:00.004+01:00

Election Day saw the return of Herman Miles & the Deutscherabble from Miele. To be fair this wasn't their usual elite corps of players, and we even had to fill a vacuum in their team with our own players. Moreton used 6 bowlers to good effect, with everyone picking up wickets, although Tompy failed to reproduce the dizzy heights of 2 weeks ago, and Westy & Sam shared the plaudits with 3 wickets each. Nic, on loan from his Dad's birthday, kindly kept wicket, as Bomber was unable to fit us into his hectic schedule. Miele's score of just 75 certainly didn't look bombproof, and even a Mieles finest spin machine (pictured) would have struggled to defend it.

Dave T showed why he's going on tour to Bordeaux, with a classy duck. Charlie finally managed to unwrap his new blade, and produced the biggest swing of the night to excite the crowd on the back benches. Tim kept the scoreboard moving (19), whilst Carl & Westy fought over who should wear the Duck Hat. The final coalition of Capt Jonny (22*) & Old Pro Row steered us to a decisive victory in Moreton North.

It's a bowler's pitch.................

2010-04-23T07:21:00.002+01:00

Thursday night cricket is back, and our first game was against The Footballer's Cricket Club. News had filtered through that qualification requirements for FCC had been tightened this year, to exclude all one legged people, born on a Tuesday morning, in a leap year; but eventually Piglet had his eclectic team ready for the off at 6pm. More than can be said for Moreton, who took to the field minus Sam Smith, who could be heard shouting "Sorry" from about a mile away as he was driven here at a leisurely pace.
Jonny opened the bowling and immediately took out Chris Lewis' stumps with a straight one; the perfect start ! Bus Pass Lewis Snr, showed more resolve & steadied the ship for FCC. Kaz & Westy bowled well & deserved their wickets. Dave T tried to get off the mark with an Al Qaeda style run to Jonny at mid off, who looked up in disbelief, started laughing at the infidel, but still managed to shovel the ball near enough to the stumps for Sam to run him out. Sammy bowled well too, and apologised even better. Simon had a good over, delivering balls with a volcanic ash coating out of the sun to bamboozle the footballers. It was left to their 2 pros, Piglet & Colin to save their day, scoring 54 out of their total of 77, from 16 overs. Only 1 dropped catch I think Oli- but it was a tough one. Rib crunching dives from Tim, are being regretted as I type.

Still 78 to win off 16 overs should have been a walk in the rec, as they say..........

Ed & Tim opened the batting, boasting nearly 4 metres & approaching 100 years between them- a frightening sight for the oppo ! Ed, despite not having played for a while, showed that his Eton education was worth every penny, with some classic drives, and witty repartee. Tim also looked in good form, and we were coasting along at 29-0 when the Captain demanded more from the touchlines. Ed responded by getting out, Charlie came in, peeling off the wrapper from a new piece of timber; sparkling, virgin, totally unblemished, reflecting brightly in the late evening sun. He returned 35 seconds later to the pavilion with bat condition unchanged; the first duck of the season, and a chance for Jonny to get out his "Duck hat " or as I think Claire Balding would call it, a fascinator. Photos were taken of the victim, but, in the meantime Spuz had succumbed to Thompy's 3rd ball, to give him a hatrick, and the quickest "pass" of the fascinator you could imagine. Would Jonny's camera have enough film for the evening ? Wickets continued to fall regularly, and despite Tim & Kaz hitting 6's to encourage the home team, we never really recovered. Capt Yaxley, out off an unlucky deflection, summed up our evening. Spuz gratefully passed the duck to Sam, who retained it thanks to Simon scrambling a single, before discovering 44 yards was too much for him.
Wot, no mention of Bomber I hear you ask ? Surely a game cannot have passed without Bomber registering a mention ? Well, actually Bomber kept wicket well, finished not out on 8, and paid his tab, so he would have been awarded "man of the match" if it weren't for Rule 4 subsection 6 which states that Bomber should never be given praise, trophies, awards, or sweets for anything achieved on the cricket field. Oh, but he is eligible for the Duck Hat.

Look forward to next week- Sam don't forget the DH- we're fielding first..............

Pre season social

2010-03-02T17:46:00.002Z

Well not long now til we get started on the cricket, so time for a pre-season get together at The Bear for pub sports. thursday 11th March 8pm.

Everyone welcome

Cheers

Tim

MCC AGM

2010-01-12T16:55:00.003Z

Takes place this Friday in The Bear. I was looking forward to seeing the agenda beforehand, but hey I can be so unrealistic sometimes......

MCC Dinner & Awards

2009-09-23T13:54:00.002+01:00

Want to look like this ?.........................

.................................then book your tickets now (see below)

2009 Annual Dinner...

So that's it then. The season is over, time to get the christmas presents.
But before you do, treat yourself to your ticket to the Moreton Cricket Club annual dinner!

At The Bear on Saturday 14th November 7.30 for 7.45.
A two course dinner of Lamb Stroganoff and desserts as well as:
-Awards which, as last year, you have the chance to vote for, see the link below.
-Photos from the past season.
-All the averages and line scores.
-Information on next years Tour.

If you are vegetarian please let me know well in advance, so we can refuse you entry!!
Tickets are just £15, with a percentage of this going towards the club.
There are a limited number of places available so get yours before its too late!
Tickets are available from Nic Cross or at The Bear

WOGOF= Win one get one FREE !

2009-09-01T07:58:00.001+01:00

Thanks Chaps......................

2009-08-26T09:07:00.003+01:00

for another entertaining season with the midweek crew on Thursday nights. Special mention to our Captain for all his efforts, and of course Bomber, as always, for providing the cabaret.

Final word goes to our esteemed friend from Tasmania, who clearly thought his claret was corked..............

Happy Birthday Mate !

2009-08-13T22:03:00.002+01:00

The Annual Didycot IV Challenge match took place tonight, with a new twist. It's now known as The Moreton V, Didcot I, Cholsey II, Weston Super Mare II, Soufend I, Challenge Shield- catchy isn't it ?
Jonny was introduced to his team of "friends" at 5:30, and as there were lots of " good to meet you mate" I thought it might be helpful to recap his team for him.............

Scabs ( should be playing for the mother team, but were bribed )
Westy- "Im a bowler, batsmen, wicketkeeper" - isn't that like Bomber ?
Smithy- I prefer a Maryland Cookie-" leave it to the adults son" DUCK
Clarkey " you should have picked me Simon Claridge " 6 Wickets
Wicksey- " I did nothing- no honestly, nothing at all " True
Thompy- " I'm a Dad ! " Possibly True- waiting for confirmation
Others ( no idea who Yaxley is, but will turn out for £5 )
Andy "pleased to meet you Jonny- where's my fiver ?"
Pete " Why do I need to stand back " Howe
Tom " I really can't bowl any faster mate " Hedge
Tom " remember me- I'm your Bro ? " DUCK
Wilfey- " nice to be involved mate- I'm away next year "
Umpires ( yes they were also part of his team)
Nic " pound of sausages " Cross
Howard " Chin up " Williams

JY won the toss and decided to bat. At 1 for 2 he was a worried 40 year old man, in a 10 year relationship. But, when Fletch put Simon on at the " charity end " the game changed with a 20 run over. When he was replaced by The Pie Chucker from Aston Tirrold, we all feared it could get even worse, but Bomber is a wily Mallard, and put the ball just out of their reach. The Cholsey-super-Mare team posted a respectable score of 122 from their 20.

Moreton ( what was left of it ) started brightly with Tim hitting Hedgey " I really can't bowl any faster mate " for 3 boundaries in the first over. Volvo hit a fair few too, but only Andy managed another meaningful contribution, which put us seriously behind the clock. Carl, avoided a hatrick with a judicious leave, Deno & Simon twatted a couple at the death, but to no avail, as C-s-M won by a couple of runs in the end.

Jonny is now off to show Madeleine McCann his shiny Shield in Portugal, so have a good time, and we're all going to practice harder for next year!

Beer & Cricket Fest

2009-07-31T09:19:00.002+01:00

THURSDAY- well done to Sam Smith & his team; a comprehensive victory over Warborough. When asked for a view, Sam said " I am pleased we beat them 'cos they were right cocks "

Bomber is 8 under par..................

2009-07-23T21:56:00.004+01:00

.........which would be pretty useful up at Hadden Hill, but not all that helpful for Thursday cricket ! He reached -8 with 2 bloopers on the boundary; the second being a particularly clownish effort, even by Bomber's standards. FCC posted a total of 102, which shouldn't have been enough. Wicksey claimed top spot with 4 wickets, and Rob was chuckling on the boundary at the stand in keeper Lockey. Nige took a good catch in the deep, Simon turned a couple, and was even seen walking in with the bowler at one point. Jonny bowled well & so did Sammy, even though he dropped a "stinger", but the dressing room was content at the change over. The FCC "ringers" bowled well, to make up for their lack of football experience, and the run rate was not easy to keep on top of. Tim did his best, launching Nick for a couple of sixes, and topped the batting. Bomber failed to get out of negative equity with a duck. Carl twatted a couple, Jonny got a golden (again), this time to Dave T of all people. Nige ran out Maha when he was in full flow with a PB.
Fletch had a chance to be a hero, but fluffed it again.
Well played Blewbury Aston, Soccer, Training And Research, Development Side !

Wallingford Squashed Club...............

2009-07-17T09:12:00.000+01:00

Tour Notes from Torquay

2009-07-07T11:31:00.003+01:00

We left The Bear at 09:00 on Sunday, and in normal circumstances we would expect Bomber to have been sick by 09:30. Phoned him at home at 09:40 and he hadn't chundered, which threw us somewhat, but hey the tour must go on.
Stopped at several charity shops for Wicksy to kit himself out, but unfortunately most were shut. Phil our driver seems a good guy, considering he's from Gloucester, and can't drive in reverse. We later discover he can play golf & poker. Arrive at Seaton after a detour down Devon's finest lanes. We all eat endangered species for lunch, except Wicksy, and arrive at the ground in good heart for a 2:30 start. Will pisses off his first person on tour by refusing to toss until he'd smoked another cigarette, and we end up fielding. First wicket goes to Charlie, caught by Tim, and everyone bowls really well to keep the run rate down. Their top scorer is a 10 year old with a speech impediment, so we're all feeling pretty good.With a target of 122, Tim & Squeak open and put on a healthy opening partership of 41, including a decent hit into the cheap housing at the north end of the ground. The partnership is finally broken when Squeak is dismissed for a Duck. John's in next and continues the good work. Tim gets bored and is out for 62, leaving Will & Fletch the simple task of both getting out cheaply. Smithy hits the winning runs with Rowan's specially imported bat & says sorry for the 38th time for taking a large chunk out of it-don't tell Rowan !
Off to Torquay & The Atlantis Hotel. Johnny has the bridal suite, whilst the rest of us slum it in 3' long beds. Friendly owners, or they were 'til they met Will. Nigel is fretting about his cat, Smithy is getting totally pissed on Cider.

Would the real duck please stand up ......

2009-07-03T07:53:00.005+01:00

We always enjoy a good competitive game against Aston, led by Capt B.T & last night was right up there. Aston stung by their dramatic loss last time, bolstered their team with more youth & gob, whilst Moreton remained curiously confident, despite the presence of Bomber- why was this the case ? Having decided to bat first, Johnny explained his cunning plan; Bomber would be sent in as a "decoy" batsmen, high up the order, a place normally reserved for show offs such as Fletch. His mission to play badly enough that the oppo completely relaxed,thinking they were into the tail & put on some lesser bowlers for us to plunder. Unfortunately Bomber was not in long enough for Aston to realise how bad he is, as he fell to a second ball duck, thus scuppering weeks of meticulous planning

One of these is an industrious, skillful, hard working member of the team, can you spot him ?
(the others are just fakes)

A

B

C

Please send your answers on a post card to the non-playing Club Sec, who will give out cash prizes for all correct answers.

Back to the match........................
However. Moreton still posted a very healthy 174 with lots of contributions ( except Bomber of course) including
Tim 44*, Wicksy 36*. Johnny 28* & Sam Smith 25.

Sam & Westy kept them on the back foot with some fine bowling,& we particulary enjoyed an uprooted stump from Westy but it was Thompy who bagged the wickets with 3-24. Johnny bowled a short but economical spell & Simon finished the job with a "wrong un" expertly taken behind the stumps by Rob.

Final footnotes, I thought the pitch was a belter for batting, and a credit to the Head Groundsman, Mr Peter "Mallard" Lancaster- shame he couldn't make more personal use of the facilities !

Happy Touring !

More from JY..................................

2009-06-19T11:25:00.001+01:00

As I was otherwise engaged, it's over to Johnny to post the story of Captain Beaky................

Battle of Moreton is lost..............

2009-06-12T08:55:00.003+01:00

Internal politics saw our very own secret weapon "Bomber" donated to the enemy; this was no goodwill gesture, just an error of judgement. Herr Miles looked pretty pleased with his new acquisition, and although Peter is no "oil painting"

(Peter plans the downfall of his teammates -
"I will fight them on the beaches...............")

he is certainly a club "treasure" and should be treated accordingly; (i.e. kept for our own personal amusement !)

Batting first, MCC won the early skirmishes, as Tim claimed aerial superiority over the visitors, but wickets kept going down, and even Sam's brave resistance was ultimately futile, as Miele, took no prisoners, and blitzed us out with Teutonic efficiency.

101 was never going to be enough to challenge Miele, and even "Bomber" taxied out to the middle looking confident in his new role. "Double fisting" is Peter's modus operandi, and he proceeded to bash a few out of the park, before returning to the pavilion to show his new friends how he did it.

So a disappointing end to our unbeaten home record, but thankfully peace was restored afterwards in The Bear over a curry & a pint or six.

Vote Kaz.............

2009-06-04T22:03:00.006+01:00

As election day wound down, the focus switched away from those dodgy, cheating, lying bastards to the more honourable pastime of representing your cricket club. No Inzimam al Lancaster for us; he is still sulking, after being named 23rd man last weekend. To be honest he looks more like one of those camel shagging terrorists, than a bona fida cricketer, but he assures us he's working on it in his spare time !

Anyway,Aston turned up, we batted, and at 28-5 looked in more trouble than Gordon Brown. Unlike the aforementioned jock, we managed a magnificent fightback, led by Kaz with an unbeaten 50, JY with a PB of 14, and ably supported by father to be Thompy, MCC somehow reached a respectable score of 150. Thompy unfortunately showed a serious lack of commitment to the team, by leaving early, before he bowled, to attend some minor family event at the JR- lightweight !

Luckily he was replaced by the more substantial figure of Fen, who immediately commanded respect from the batsmen with his enthusiastic running & sliding stops, apparently so expertly taught by his Dad, Charlie !

Plenty of others also stepped up to the mark, to apply some pressure to the Brummy twat & his mates. Although Wicksy has booked to see a chiropractor about his neck, badly strained while watching the ball fly back over his head, even he came back strongly. Kaz, Sam, Johnny & Joe all bowled well too, Rob performed well with the gloves, Carl fielded like a demon on the boundary & Simon sent 36 text messages whilst fielding at mid wicket, which is a new club record. Needing 27 from the last 2 overs, Aston's effort whimpered out, and a great victory was ours !

Well played everyone, but to be honest, without Kaz we were stuffed, and next week he's playing against us for the Krauts !

The team nobody wanted..............

2009-06-01T11:38:00.002+01:00

lift the cup !

Congatulations to Johnny Y & his team for thrashing Brightwell and bringing back the Anniversary Cup to The Bear.
Even more meritoriously, this was achieved without the services of our 23rd man- Bomber.
JY has promised to provide the detail of how this glorious victory was achieved..................................

Unbeaten home run extended.................

2009-05-22T08:42:00.003+01:00

......................with an away loss to Cuxham.
Cuxham always field a strong side at home, mainly consisting of huntin' shootin' & fishin' types with the odd psycho-analyst thrown in for good measure. Moreton fielded their usual Thursday team, mainly consisting of workin' types, with Bomber thrown in for good measure. The "Big 3" arrived in Charlie's convertible to the sound of The Clash blasting out, and Carl was peeled from the deepest corner of the back seat, 2 sizes smaller than the start of the journey. News was that we were batting first, and Tim was sent straight out to bat with Nige.
Not an easy pitch to bat on, with the ball keeping low; Tim batted like an opener for the first time ever, and slowly accumulated 29*, but the steady fall of wickets at the other end, meant we were always under a par score. Bomber, at square leg umpire, looked concerned that his captain might "leapfrog" him in the batting averages with a highly promising 3 not out, but found the solution in his finger, spitefully giving him out off the last ball of our innings.
Westy & Jonny bowled superbly, with Westy picking up 4 wickets in his spell, & Nige took a good catch at square leg to keep Cuxham on the back foot. Sam, Joe & Simon kept the pressure on with more good bowling on a helpful pitch, and the result was in doubt for most of the match. Key moment, when their ump showed Bomber how to turn a "blind eye" when your team need you, and Cuxham scraped home with 8 wickets down.
Back to the local for a few pints of expensive beer & delicious game pies. The journey home was somewhat marred by Bomber giving his car keys away to Joe, hiding in the bushes until everyone left, and then ringing round asking where his keys were ! Charlie manfully offered to drive back with aforementioned keys to rescue our star umpire !

Another complete shower................

2009-05-14T22:21:00.002+01:00

.....................visited North Moreton today.
Yes the visitors from Mill street weren't over proficient in the cricketing department, and some of us joined them in their mediocrity, to ensure a competitive, close run game.The run rate was good for the first 4 balls of our innings, then the wicket rate threatened to overtake the run rate, before Sam & Vicksy steadied the ship with sensible batting. Joe looked good & Simon got a few, with his 9 iron, before Carl managed to evade the ball successfully in the final over.
So after Nigel totted it all up, we posted a total of 92 or was it 94 or maybe 93 in 15 overs of steady drizzle.
Jonny & Joe opened up with some hostile bowling, and we had an early wicket in the bag, despite the umpire trying to turn a blind eye to the bail being dislodged. The crowds wisely stayed away, and our bowlers were sadly not lifted by the sight of a committee member chain smoking in the bushes; a flurry of runs tilted the match back in Mill Street's favour, and the captain looked anxious. As the pressure built, one or two of our larger fielders looked a gallop short of full fitness, but finally the turning point came courtesy of the "techno" kid, who clung on to one of Simon's long hops as it sped towards what looked like another boundary. Thompy was the star bowler, but was well supported by Sam, Jonny & Joe, and we eventually slammed the door satisfyingly in their faces. A good effort- man of the match Sam.
Next week Cuxham away, will be a tougher & chewier proposition than this lot- be warned !!

It's great to be back...............

2009-05-07T23:22:00.002+01:00

OK the weather was not what you would hope for, but there was a spring in the step of MCC members as the first "proper" game of the season got underway. The "visitors" were Southfield Nursing Home, with an odd "ringer" or younger relation, as they are called, bribed to turn out, and an easy victory was expected.
Capt Yaxley duly won the toss, mainly 'cos their captain couldn't see the coin, but who cares, and he correctly chose to bat. Tim & Nige put on 33 in the first 3 overs, well to be factual, Tim scored 28* and Nige watched- though to be fair he did go on to score 13 in his own time. A resident of Aston Tirrold came in next to give a demo on tree felling, before returning to the pavilion to complete ridicule- luckily Bomber is very thick skinned & momemtum was unaffected because Westy & Charlie kept the scoreboard moving with some decent strikes. Young Sam top scored with 29 & "PSV" Howard umpired with his usual ignorance of the rules of cricket- but we love him anyway ! Nigel had a geriatric moment with the scorebook, which made Southfield feel at home, and their target turned out to be just 152 to win, which coincidentally was the combined age of their opening bowlers !
At 12-4 the game was over- Tim had just put in an entry for catch of the day, Westy & Jonny were bowling well, and Vicksy was a revelation behind the stumps, (he's finally found something he's good at !) but Jonny decided to be charitable & put "wide boy" Bomber on, who offered them a glimmer of hope with the longest over of the day- luckily Sam & Simon restored some order with good bowling, and young Dan chipped in with a wicket, leaving Step Dad Thompy as the loser in that household. Darkness & rain followed, as Southfield batted for the draw that doesn't exist in Twenty20.

It was good to retire to The Bear for a curry & compare membership subscriptions with fellow players, who are all enjoying the FREE membership offer from the club this year.

Next week Jonny looks forward to Capt Beaky !!

2009 Tour & Festival

2009-01-23T17:32:00.002Z

A couple of important dates for your diary:-

1. Moreton Beer & Cricket Festival will be Thursday 30th July- Sunday 2nd August inclusive. Features a 6 a side comp & a game v Amsterdam CC

2.Proposed tour to Bordeaux sun 5th July- Sat 11th give or take

Brightwell Stuffed !

2008-09-09T15:16:00.003+01:00

In a vertebrae crushing show of strength, Moreton pulverised Brighwell in The Twenty20 finale to our 150th anniversary celebrations. Credit where it's due, if we still had to bowl underarm, Brightwell would be undoubted masters, but 150 years on, and Moreton rule OK !
Batting first, Brightwell were rather spineless against accurate bowling from a whole fleet of Macdonalds charging in from The Bear end, and a duet of Sam's from the bottom end, and the pressure we created forced some Laurel & Hardy running from the visitors, which entertained the crowd, but caused their run rate to drop through the roof. They managed a paltry 82 off their 20 overs, which is barely 1 rung up the ladder & definitely not enough of a climb to worry our batsmen.
Sam & Will were rather too casual, but Bomber broke the back of the target with a cracking innings, and Chris Mac put the lame dogs out of their misery, Flintoff style, with a roof shattering six into Bear Lane.
A great end to our season, but it's now time to put away the BBQ, turn on the central heating, re-roof the bungalow, and hope for a glorious summer next year.
Tally Ho !

Didcot campanologists finally prevail.......

2008-08-15T09:02:00.003+01:00

Lots of familiar faces appeared for the annual Yaxley birthday challenge match against Didcot IV, and I must admit I thought we had an unfairly strong team, until it was pointed out that Yaxley had been up on his cherry picker again, and they were all playing for Didcot. One notable exception was "Trini" Bomber, who had been phoning Jonny all week, offering his services, but his calls remained unanswered. Jonny even offered "Susannah" a game, but unfortunately she was busy elswhere.

Batting first, Moreton spent most of the time ducking, or in Kaz's case, not ducking, bouncers. Nigel & Trini took cover behind the stumps, which proved to be a flawed strategy, and only Kaz & Tim managed meaningful contributions in a below par 101.
Didcot opened up with some of their Kolpak players, and quickly reached 77-1, helped by Trini's misfields, and despite good bowling from Kaz, Chris & Chris. With 2 players retiring, a remarkable thing happened; 2 bona-fide Didcot residents appeared at the crease, reminding us fondly of happier pre IPL days, when overseas signings were not allowed. Another lesser spotted Didcotian followed, and at least he had the pleasure of knocking off the last few runs.

An emotional Yaxley finally received the Shield he covets so much from Trevor " the flagpole erector" Denning, but kind words from The President were not matched by Jonny who couldn't find his "acceptance" notes, despite the fact that they had remained, untouched, in his trouser pocket for 4 years. Happy Birthday mate !

In other news, the author has heard, 5th hand, of a serious complaint from an important MCC member, who is objecting to being mentioned in our blog. I would like to apologise unreservedly to the afore(un)mentioned member for any distress this may have caused him & his family. I have agreed that in future he will only be named when he contributes something meaningful to the game, which should ensure no further problems arise.

Bomber luvs Will's Helmet

2008-07-31T23:32:00.002+01:00

Moreton entertained WSC on an overcast evening, and batted first. Staino showed the crowd some textbook batting as he crawled to a top score of 22 off 9 overs, but others were perishing at the other end. Entertainment was thin on the ground until Tim tested the glass in the pavilion doors, and Bomber walked in with more protection than a jury in a Mafia trial. Unfortunately he couldn't see the ball for all the visors & grills, so kindly given by Will, so he got out cheaply. Thompy & the Tail wagged nicely to post an almost respectable score of 116. Captain Y opened the bowling, but made the mistake of handing the ball to Bomber at the other end, who generously donated 20 off his first over to give WSC a sniff of victory. Luckily Nic & Sam bowled well, & Lockey kept a tidy wicket, to keep the game in the balance until the final over, when 7 were required for victory.

Who would Jonny choose to bowl this all important final over ? Bomber was the outsider of 11 on the pitch, but JY, had a fiver on him at 33/1 and threw him the ball, as the crowd muttered "you twat" under their breath. Luckily Bomber was nerveless, and bowled a near perfect over to seal victory for Moreton in a thriller.

Come on Guys...........................

2008-07-17T22:49:00.002+01:00

A comprehensive victory for Moreton over Mill St Wanderers. Sam, Tim, Vixi, & Sam ensured we had a healthy total to defend. One of the batting casualties was the captain who had to be sacrificed in the team cause (sorry mate !) but more than 8 an over always looked enough, so who cares ? Bomber snatched the gloves, after Steeno had kindly rubbed his back inbetween innings, and he chirrupped away all through their innings with phrases such as "come on guys" in a Dale Winton accent. This certainly put off Mill St, and combined with some tidy bowling and a great catch by Sam Smith, we always had things well under control,even allowing for Fletch dropping a sitter. A good game, and the captains eventually agreed to shake hands, so we're all still friends.

Tally Ho !

Dutch Masters

2008-07-09T09:14:00.002+01:00

Post Bomber's puking, we rocked up at Rotterdam for a relaxing 2 day break. Some wanted a schmoke, some wanted a drink, Bry wanted an eastern european, and Wicksy wanted Dutch Art. This slightly odd lust should have rung alarm bells with the rest of us, but we just laughed it off as eccentric. Wicksy revealed his true (orange) colours the next day when playing for oppo.A true master of the undercover role, none of us had ever suspected he could actually play cricket, but when the time came Judas van Wicksbasten, as we now know him, produced a blinding spell of bowling to rip out the heart of his own team- what a little shit !! Despite decent knocks from Will, John H & Tim, van Wicksbasten & his new friends prevailed, and he has now sought refuge at Anne Frank`s House.
Elsewhere Percy Ronay was briefly in charge of restaurant selection, but his tenure is thankfully now over, and we are all gradually recovering from the food poisoning.On to Eindhoven today for more entertainment...........

Laters

new pb 4 bomber

2008-07-07T12:28:00.002+01:00

bomber set a new record 4 puking when he chucked at reading services.

Germans turned over

2008-06-13T07:45:00.005+01:00

Allan Lamb dutifully turned out in the rain to collect his Miele Dishwasher, and was astonished at the skills on show in North Moreton; apparently what surprised him most was Fuz going "all in " with just 10-4 off suit !
Moreton sought revenge for an abject display early in the season, and followed Croatia's example with a convincing win over the Krauts. Highlights included the return of Capt Yaxley, who unfortunately faced some unplayable bowling, a rare, and brief, sighting of the "lesser spotted" Squires, & some sweet hitting from Charlie & Fuz. I couldn't see much more through the rain, but I did see Allan Lamb drinking Magners whilst practicing his golf shots with an umbrella, occasionally looking up to officiate & shake his head at some of the woeful shots being played. Bomber celebrated the arrival of his bus pass with yet another score of 13- some might say this is an unlucky score for him ? The post match pep talk from the great one included many references to "not giving up the day job" until someone pointed out that half the team don't have jobs to give up.

Relief for Allan arrived in the shape of a BBQ and more Magners, coupled with copious amounts of autograph signing, which I'm sure our grandchildren will treasure in years to come.
Personally I think Lambey should be knighted, so we can call him "Serallan".

Thanks for an entertaining evening !

A pair of silver foxes spotted at The Bear

Aston too good.......

2008-06-05T22:05:00.003+01:00

Some erratic bowling, good fielding & Dicky umpiring,(Unbelievably, their umpire retracted his lbw decision, when the batsmen told him he had hit it !!) allowed Aston to score 20 runs too many on a tricky batting track. Good catching from Thompy (3 catches) Dave "the juggler" Templeman & Tim wasn't matched by the bowlers who bowled too many wides, giving the oppo 3 extra overs of batting.
Nigel "The Gasman" Cross and Ivan "The Terrible" Bond had to face some good bowling and perished as they tried to up the tempo. Tim kept the innings going, but we were always behind the clock, despite some crisp hitting from Matt & Air Commodore Denning, at the death.
I still think we are missing a Captain, as it all felt a bit rudderless in the field.
What happened to the comeback Johnny ? Why wasn't Sam playing ?

Thankfully next weeks umpire is not such an arse.............................

Fuz wants to write the report, so over to him......

2008-05-23T09:40:00.000+01:00

Moreton by 10...................

2008-05-16T08:50:00.002+01:00

Yes wickets not runs.

So how was this ultimate cricket victory achieved ?

1. Modest opposition- very important this one- although Nigel tried his best to screw it up by donating Joe Wardle to them. Have a good look round next time Nige before you open your mouth !

2. In the absence of "Sick Note" Yaxley, we need an audible Captain with some knowledge of cricket- so well done to Tim for selecting Stuart from a short list of one. Some good decisions Stu.

3. One of which was to open up with Oli Squires, who is clearly enjoying his A level exams so much that he's bowling really well- or was he just showing off to his friend Jamie ?

4. Pair him with a bowler (?) who is so erratic, it de-stabilises the batsmen, who are all tearing muscles trying to reach the ball- nice one Bomber !

5.Bring on Matt & Sam to tighten the screw with accurate bowling. Kaz, please take note Sam is a much better bowler than Bomber, as his 4 for sweet f.a. proves. Use him or lose him, or his bike.

6.Ask Fuz to pay his subs. This incensed him so much, that he fielded magnificently, including hitting a single stump from 20 metres. That's £50 for club membership please Fuz !

7. Only let Carl touch the ball 3 times in the whole match- sorry mate !

8. Stick Dave on the boundary- he loves running around like a lunatic & has a good arm- also his ginger head is easy to spot in the gloom.

9. Remind Bomber that he's a shit bowler, and then ask him to open the batting.
The result 34 not out- beauty

10. Buy the Landlord a pint for his unbeaten 29.

Simple init.

See you on Thursday, but be warned Cuxham fail to meet criteria number 1.

Southfield prevail..............

2008-05-08T23:59:00.002+01:00

Southfield produced a relatively sprightly team compared to their normal geriatric offering, and batted first on a benign pitch. Moreton seemed rudderless in the early overs, and conceded a few too many runs with the odd dropped catch thrown in for good measure (oops!). Westy, Joe & Sam all bowled well with Sam's C& B being the highlight, but Southfield posted a decent score, requiring a 7+ per over response. Westy started well, Stuart missed a straight one, and Tim rattled up an unbeaten 32 to put us in a good position. However the daylight was fading fast, and despite Nigel's quickfire 25, we always seemed to be just behind the required rate. This didn't deter Steeno, whose remarkable innings was rudely interrupted by the end of the match- how outrageous !
C U next Thursday

So Easy

2008-05-01T23:41:00.002+01:00

This was our first game of the season, as last weeks effort (?) v The Krauts is null & void due to some work permit irregularities. Anyway it was nice to start the season with a resounding victory against our arch rival from the squash club. Our team assembled on time, and chose to field, with all late comers (Simon Steen) being donated to Wally Squash Club on a free transfer or £300 per hour, whichever was the cheapest. Solid bowling from Sam & Matt kept the scoring in check, and Matt took out their best bat with a beamer to the nose, to ensure there was no comeback. Bomber weighed in with 3 wickets, and Dave T notched a couple too, with the only low light being a Steeno 6 parried over the boundary by Simon. Still a few too many dropped catches if you ask me, but nevertheless a good all round fielding performance, which our absent captain would have enjoyed if he hadn't absconded with the "Sam Smith memorial bike fund" money to Albania.

WSC managed an inadequate 98 from their allotted overs, and Will & Bomber were tasked with knocking them off.. Bomber refused, and returned to the pavilion, leaving Charlie (27*) & Will (27) to blast the bowling. Will got out & Charlie retired, Stuart got careless, Sam got a golden. leaving Nige "no pads " Shandy-Hessey & Tim(19*) to finish the job.

Next up we welcome the Southfield Nursing Home All Star Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious XI

The only way is up...........

2008-04-25T08:38:00.002+01:00

A piss poor effort for our first match to be brutally honest. OK, Miele had just beaten up Poland & overwhelmed Czechoslovakia, but they shouldn't have had the firepower to deal with a team containing The Lancaster Bomber, (soon to be retired, father of one), or Sam "Biker" Smith
(recently fought off a gang of hooded attackers) & that's without mentioning Wingco Denning who has defended our skies for many, many years.
Anyway reputations mean nowt, and we
scored insufficient runs in the vital last 6 overs- you know who you are.
bowled shite- you know who you are too.
dropped too many catches-B****r.
We could probably do with having a captain on the pitch too, as "spread out everyone" is hardly out of the Mike Brearley school of cricket captaincy.

To finish on a positive note- I really enjoyed my curry !!

Tim

PS the answers to earlier questions are....

Yes
Probably
Don't know
No
No
No

New Season............

2008-04-10T16:48:00.002+01:00

A most enjoyable first outing of the season to Masooms in Goring, and we all voted heartfelt "thanks" to Simon for organising it so well- in his usual style of course. He has also arranged for Allan Lamb to Umpire in our second Miele game- Kaz was really quite surprised to hear of this achievement.

Anyway The Tour is not far away and we leave on Monday 7th July- "with or without you"- so if you are one of those that have "talked" but not acted- it's time to make a decision.

In the meantime, lots of questions to be answered this season.....

Bomber is now a Dad, will it cramp his style ?
Will it be chin up Howie as usual ?
Where's Robbo- The Pontefract Cat ?
Will Johnny Y be fit for the first match ?
Will Fuz play in The Didcot IV Challenge Shield ?
Will Ed or Simon sell their houses ?

See you all for the answers on Thursday 24th

Tim

Chin Up Didcot !

2007-08-17T10:18:00.000+01:00

Despite resting some of their best players, Moreton comfortably dispatched the Didcot IV for the second year running. Johnny & Nic have promised to write their own views on the game, but as they are jumping out of a plane this morning, it may never happen- so here's a summary of why you lost

The Birthday Boy was spitefully run out by Fuz, who later, when the "chips" were down, failed to run fast enough to catch a cold, Howard predictably "dropped the Shield" 'cos the sun was in his eyes, the much hyped "Rent Boys" were useless with the bat & Thompy played no shot to the penultimate ball of the match.

Have I missed anything ?

THE LBW LAW FFS GUYS.

2007-08-08T23:27:00.001+01:00

Evening, this post is to inform and educate some members of the squad, take note, even though there are no lbw's on a Thursday night, if you happen to be umpiring during a normal game your stupidity can have serious repercussions, so learn...

Officially:

LAW 36 LEG BEFORE WICKET

1. Out LBW

The striker is out LBW in the circumstances set out below.

(a) The bowler delivers a ball, not being a No ball

and (b) the ball, if it is not intercepted full pitch, pitches in line

between wicket and wicket or on the off side of the

striker's wicket

and (c) the ball not having previously touched his bat, the striker

intercepts the ball, either full pitch or after pitching, with

any part of his person

and (d) the point of impact, even if above the level of the bails

either (i) is between wicket and wicket

or (ii) is either between wicket and wicket or outside

the line of the off stump, if the striker has made

no genuine attempt to play the ball with his bat

and (e) but for the interception, the ball would have hit the

wicket.

2. Interception of the ball

(a) In assessing points (c), (d) and (e) in 1 above, only the first

interception is to be considered.

(b) In assessing point (e) in 1 above, it is to be assumed that the

path of the ball before interception would have continued

after interception, irrespective of whether the ball might have

pitched subsequently or not.

3. Off side of wicket

The off side of the striker's wicket shall be determined by the

striker's stance at the moment the ball comes into play for that

delivery.

Sourced from

http://www.lords.org/data/files/laws_of_cricket_2003-8685.pdf

the MCC and if they don't know the laws...

in easier to understand language:

Simon Hughes:

A red graphics strip is superimposed between the stumps to show where the ball pitched, and on which line the ball was travelling when it struck the batsman. The Red Zone is now familiar to TV audiences as part of the Hawk-Eye LBW package.

The three examples below illustrate how the Red Zone helps us to gauge which parts of the LBW law need to be considered if the batsman is struck on the pads in front of, or close to, the wicket.

The first picture shows a right-handed batsman receiving a ball which pitches outside the line (wicket to wicket) of the leg stump. If this happens he cannot be given out.

In the second picture we see a batsman struck on the pad outside the line of the off stump; because he is making a genuine attempt to play the ball then, in the opinion of the umpire, he cannot be given out.

In the third picture, however, there is no escape; if, in the umpire's opinion, the batsman is notmaking a genuine attempt to play the ball when struck outside the line of the off stump and the ball would have gone on the hit the stumps, then the batsman is out.

http://www.channel4.com/sport/cricket/analyst/misc/ana_14.html

BASICALLY:
unless the ball pitches perfectly (essentially on middle) does not move in either direction and is not too high it's not out.

just because it hits the pads doesn't mean we have to get trigger happy.

Unless you are 100% certain (which should happen about once every 12 years)
IT IS NOT OUT.

the sheer number of variables mean that an lbw at our level is the rarest thing going, not 3 in one game!

sorry for the rant but there were some shockers today so the message of this is:

if you are umpiring: it's NOT OUT ...ever...pretty much.

The Groom's Nightmare

2007-08-08T09:47:00.000+01:00

The long awaited rematch with Wallingford Squash Club turned out to be totally different affair from the first game. For a start, we could only muster a X rather than than XI and Wallingford Squash Club are now amalgamated with Hampshire Cricket Academy with a bonus Aussie thrown in. The toss was lost and the Squash went into bat against our second choice opening attack of Jonny and Fuz. Fuzzy's nightmare was about to begin! He tried two overs from either end but even a change of ends couldn't prevent him being carted for 56 runs from his 4 overs.Their first batsman to leave the middle retired on 30 odd then out strode the aussie, after clobbering Jonny for a boundary the bowler got one to jag back and hit his leg stump, his only success. Despite some respectable bowling from Sam Smith and James Price we couldn't prevent them from hammering us for 179! Fuz managed to divert a possible catch into his adam's apple rendering him silent for while and while he went off the field for treatment we took two quick wickets and as soon as he returned they continued the onslaught! Our bowling attack was so depleted that even Bomber got 4 overs. Bomber's trademark appears to be to concede a 6 off the first ball of every over then try to claw it back from there! Interesting. Onto the Batting, not much to say really apart from without Bomber's 37 our humble 89 would have looked a whole lot poorer! Fuz scored 6,4 W. an explosive if not incredibly short innings although he did think he should get credit for keeping up with the run rate albeit for a very brief period of time! Hampshire boy bowled Lockey, Carter and Yaxley out of the sun and our sojourn in the middle soon came to an end. A word though must be said about the Squash captain who always buys us a couple of jugs of beer after the game, other opposition captains take note!

Authors, pictures and more

2007-07-24T10:32:00.000+01:00

Last week I sent out an email asking you to join the blog, once you join you can start your own thread, post pictures and more.

The email will be from blogger which will ask you to register, its quick, painless and once you're registered you can start posting whatever you like.

If you deleted the email thinking it was junk, just reply to this post and I'll invite you again.

Cuxham....ok so we're all square now...

2007-07-20T16:10:00.000+01:00

Having had, by all accounts a very successful tour, we were delighted to play hosts to a touring team ourselves Cuxham (New South Wales). Like all Antipodeans this lot wouldn't shut up. After every ball it was "Oh great ball ritchie" and when batting "Oh great shot" even when the batsman had just about managed to get the bat to the ball. I am painfully aware that it's something that I failed to achieve, however my sentiments remain: SHUT UP!

So with that off me chest... Cuxham bowled, and bowled well, one of their sprightly openers has not learnt that if you're going to bowl fast you need to warn us by taking a long run up, having us in all sorts of trouble, and claiming a few wickets here and there. They also had a nifty spinner, who took an incredible one handed diving catch in gully to remove a stunned fuz. Bomber looked in good touch, Jonny also contributed, but when Kaz and Old Sam were in the middle the scoreboard started to tick along at a much faster rate. Sam was making some lovely clean shots, dispatching their last bowler into the field for a lovely six, and Kaz was edging effectively as well. In the end we posted a modest 103-6.

Cuxham's opening pair strode out to the crease, looking all the bit profesh in their matching kit, they walked back to the pavilion with their tails between their legs, having been on the recieving end of some great bowling from Jonny and Fuz. We were back in the game as we steadilly took more wickets, credit going to Tim for a great full length dive topped off with a majestic catch. And to Jonny for a backwards jog, a solid catch, and an arse over tit fall topped off with concussion.
Some dodgy scoring (though who can tell the difference between Kaz and Claridge anyway?) saw the new skippers plans scuppered. Cuxham did eventually knock the runs off, and it was a closer game than many would have anticipated.

So back to the pub where we shared some grub, and Lockey bought his half jug for a duck, I bought a jug for my golden duck, and Bomber bought his half a jug for dropping the tour.

Next week its the Tappin Cup...

Bomber drops the tour..........

2007-07-13T23:19:00.000+01:00

As promised, there's more from Brighton.

Day 2 Thursday 12th July

Eventually driven out of our room by a methane gas surge, courtesy of Simon at 08:00- found no fellow tourists at breakfast, and thankfully George had knocked off, so peace reigned. The day shift were being briefed about the appearance of a traffic cone on the landing near Kaz's room, and Gerald & Anne were checking out, apparently satisfied that the tour was in good shape. I saw Nigel giving his new pads a good talking too in the lobby, and Kaz eventually appeared looking decidedly yellow around the gills. Photographic evidence suggested that he, Bomber, Will & Matt gang raped Johnny at 04:30. Will soon appeared wearing a "Right said Fred" vest and a cheap plastic ear stud, looking every inch a rent boy. Lunch at The Bull in Newick provided the necessary tonic before the game, and we arrived at the ground in good time, if not good shape.

An impressive ground, and we soon realised that they might have the players to match. Batting first, our hosts started to rattle the electronic scoreboard. Johnny got the first wicket of the day again, with a nice edge to Mike in the slips, but looked less pleased to be smashed all round the ground soon after. Crompo tried a spell up the hill, which in fact resembled a red run at Courcheval, and had to give way to Will, who at least bowled well enough to slow the scoring, despite throwing up behind their posh sightscreen earlier. The key moment of the game came when Bomber shelled an easy catch behind the stumps, and the reprieved little shi*te went on to get a ton, before Matt blasted him out with a ferocious, unplayable ball. Simon demonstrated his ability to multi task at mid off, taking a conference call whilst scratching his arse & picking his nose. Kaz ended up wicketless again, and fell out with their umpire, Tim spent the whole afternoon tantalisingly near the bar & deckchairs, Percy played for Newick, Squeak spent many hours at the bottom of the red run, and Mikey fumed at the appalling fielding. We got them out for an acceptable 197, and rushed in for an extended tea, and check on the racing results.

Batting proved tricky, and wickets fell steadily; Will managed partnerships with Crompo, Claridge (career best 10) & Mike, Nige got another Duck, and offered his pads to Tim, in an effort to break the voodoo. Tim scored 3 and Nige got spiteful, outrageously giving him out lbw- the writing was on the wall. The tail failed to wag, and we capitulated. Percy therefore ended up on the 2 winning sides, and Nige had a pair of losses to put with his brace of duck.Nice to have a few beers after in the pavilion bar, whilst planning our evening assault on Brighton & George.

Man of the Match- Will(Is it 'cos I is from Worcestershire) a solid all round game & great sledging

Highlight of the match-An all run 4 from Simon, who needed an oxygen tent to recover.

Cone Head & The Crinklies (what a great name for a band) bade us farewell, and we returned to the crime scene, but with a cunning twist- Chinese instead of Indian. Soggy Prawn Crackers didn't deter us, and a fairly good meal was enjoyed. More beer and a visit to a smelly urinal of a club called Casablanca, were the foreplay to the main event- George Baiting. We warmed up with cable reel bowling along the front, and the trip back passed quickly. The bar was raised, when George tried to evade serving us by unloading a lorry, Johnny suggested he kissed the other night staff, and George went off at the deep end- "an abomination to my culture" he said- almost as offensive as serving short measures is, in our culture ?

A Tourists Diary

2007-07-13T17:46:00.000+01:00

First a little background info for anyone unfamiliar :-

The Players......

Kaz Miles- Clubbing Captain & Hoover salesman- aka "cone head"-someone please paste in the photo.
Mike Howat-President's son, Cambridge Blue, stand in Captain when Kaz has a hangover.
Mike Stimpson- aka "Squeak" (why ?) -useful chap to have in the team if you want to know about local property prices.
Percy Stimpson- currently a Vice President of the club, but not for long according to Gerald- it was a typo !
Nigel Hessey- aka "Shandy"- stalwart of the club and team physio, with the newest pads in the team.
Steve Crompton- aka "Crompo"-hails from Bristol, but we won't hold it against him, if he brings the Beefeater Gin he promised.
Simon Claridge- larger than life software salesman, with the banter to match-farts like a hippo in a fish tank.
Tim Haworth- Landlord of The Bear (Pub of the Year in South Oxfordshire)- snores like a wart hog in a phone box-apparently.
Johnny Yaxley- Midweek Captain, & Hairy Landscape Gardener -aka "Swagger"
Will Macdonald- Scruffy youth-talented sledger, bat & Johnny's Bitch
Peter Lancaster- aka "Bomber" -retired artist, supported by his wife while he tries to get established as a F1 driver
Matt Wicks- Guardian reading, sandal wearing, beardie, electrical wholesaler. Recently voted best fielder in South England by an online poll.

Supporting Cast-cameo performances from....

Gerald & Anne Howat- "The Doctors"- The President pops up on tour to check standards are not slipping, and usually leaves disappointed.
Alf Crompton- Steve's Old Man- though they actually look the same age. Has finally retired as Kitty man-apparently the introduction of a new£20 note was the final straw.
George Foreman- retired boxer & grill salesman, now Night Manager at The Ramada in Brighton. Likes nothing better than a good party in the hotel bar after a few Campari + grapefruits.

The Venues......

Ramada Jarvis Hotel, Brighton Seafront Hotel, home to the touring team, apart from 2 Pennypinchers who stayed in St Christopher's Hospice, down the road, sharing a room with a corpse to save money.
Plumpton Agricultural College-re-branded as a Centre for Rural Based Studies, but still a cow field in the middle of nowhere, by any other name.
Newick CC- smart ground in rural Sussex with large pavilion, club bar, electronic scoreboard, & its own ASBO Shelter for the local hooligans

Day 1-Wednesday11th July.

Left late due to Simon Claridge shopping for tiles at B & Q. Bomber's car, surprisingly spacious. First row after 5 minutes, about best way onto M4. Bomber insists on going via every BP garage to get his nectar points; apparently he only has to spend another £15,000 on fuel to get enough points to get his coveted hedgetrimmer. Matt reads The Guardian, Tim reads a pub trade paper, Simon farts & picks his nose, Bomber "floors it" to Reading Services. We overdose on Jelly Babies, and get overtaken on the M25 by Kaz, Johnny & Will, who left 6 hours after us. We book in to our Hotel- Kaz bags the best room- the view from the toilet is "to die for".

A quick lunch at The Half Moon is next on the agenda. A fair enough pub, in the sticks, full of wrinklies, who have time on their hands, and rather surprisingly, a picture of Ernie Collins on the wall. We order Ham Baguettes with chips, 'cos this will be quickest ? Bomber's chips vanish between kitchen & table, and another row ensues. We arrive at the ground rather late, to find Gerald has already pacified the opposition, by giving them all signed copies of his books. He briefs us all on the high standards of the club, as we all open bottles of Becks with a rusty screwdriver. Nige donates himself to Southwick, who look amazingly grateful; ignorance really is bliss ! Simon's method of organising matches bites him the arse, as it appears another team are waiting for us, in another cow field over the downs; Simon tells them they should field first, and we'll be there in a jiffy. Meanwhile we knock over Southwick for a modest 119, with Percy starring big time with 5 for 9 in 3 overs- his bowling was seriously unbelievable. The old pros caution us that with the outfield being so slow, it might be tougher than we think. Squeak, Tim, & Kaz ignore the advice, and get out trying to smash the ball around, and it's left to Mikey & Willy to steady the ship, before the Gardeners nip in and take the glory, hitting the winning runs with at least an over to spare.

Man of the match -Percy "paceman" Stimpson for his fifor. His name has been scratched on the Southwick honours board, which doubles as a pig pen in Winter.
Highlight of the Match- Nigel getting a duck for the opposition- he's starting to fret that his new pads maybe unlucky, as this is his 4th consecutive duck since he bought them.

Return to the seaside via the Half Moon, who are still trying to fulfil their lunchtime orders; luckily a couple of customers have died in the interim, so the waiting list is shrinking. Freshen up, and head into "town" for a curry. The "crusties" get us banned from one pub, by looking menacing, but we eventually settle for a few in the aptly named "Victory", before hitting the curry house, where Bomber notched up a personal best, eating everyones left overs. After being refused entry to several clubs, for being too old, Johnny decided he would have to entertain us by throwing himself into the sea, fully clothed. The Hospice 2 accompanied Will & Kaz to a club, and for the rest of us, the hotel bar now beckoned, with its global reputation as "the bar that never closes until the last guest leaves" we were confident of a good finish to the day. We were therefore rather surprised to find it closed, and guarded by George, the duty manager. After a 20 minute row he grudgingly served us some drinks, and attempted to exact revenge for us disturbing his evening, by asking £8.55 for a Campari. Naturally he was told to F@@k off. At this point Nige notched up a PB, this being the latest he has ever stayed up; unfortunately he had taken his pads off by now, so the chances of it reversing his ill fortune seemed slim. Johnny & Tim decided to continue "George baiting" by staying up, and ordering some more drinks; George retaliated by insisting that TV with no sound still might keep other guests awake !

To be continued next time I'm bored................

read the next installment to find out how Bomber "dropped the tour" & George's next move in his battle with the infidel customers. Did Nige get any runs with his unlucky pads ? - all exclusively online in Moreton Midweek.

Wot no Beer !

2007-06-30T12:18:00.000+01:00

We may be used to playing The Didcot IV, but were rather surprised when The Brewery turned up with just 4 players & no beer; the lack of players would have been acceptable if the beer had materialised. Anyway, charitable sorts that we are, we found them some spares, including a budding, if rather scruffy, Worcestershire player, named Macdonald, a scruffy amateur, called Templeman , and a Welsh import called Mowie- collectively known as "scabs". Our application for charitable status is now quite advanced, following loose bowling and slack fielding;at least the jug count was rising faster than the barometer reading, which was steadfastly stuck in November. Will was dropped twice, and was involved in at least 2 run outs as he strolled the required 22 yards. His cricketing aspirations should perhaps be revised, and a place in Lea & Perrins 2nd XI would seem appropriate, on this showing. A quick mention for Nige, who fielded frenetically, as if he was on speed, and Fuz, who actually was on speed, while the rest of us stuck with valium overdoses. A large total off 15 overs, which I can't recall, always looked beyond us, with their star bowler "Smelly Kelly" being particularly economical. Sam had invested in a new "woodworm" bat, which unfortunately lived up to its name and fell to bits in his hands, and Fuz tried to entertain us with a couple of sixes, but finally the valium prevailed, and we all adjourned to the pub, to drink anything but White Horse.

The Great Cornish Escape

2007-06-24T23:06:00.000+01:00

Our roving reporter has sent in this match report-enjoy.......

A tatty looking bunch of gobby strangers turned up in Moreton today.People were worried, Gerald was notified, the village was put on red alert. However, the immediate concern turned out to be misplaced. These loudmouth larrikins were in fact a shambolic excuse for a cricket team that had been invited here by Fuzzy(only just paid my subs)Meldrew! Anyway onto the game. (Can I play Nigel, can I play) Steeno opened the innings with the in-form (soon to be disgraced) Bomber. It didn't take long for Bomber to prove that his 29 not out last week was an incredible stroke of luck as opposed to a new dawn, by the way he surrendered his wicket for 4 in a hapless fashion! In came Josh, 11 years old full of enthusiasm and what followed was something I hope I never ever see on a cricket field again. Josh was out second ball and to witness their their celebrations you would think that they had just dismissed Brian Lara/Sachin Tendulkar/Viv Richards/Will Macdonald (take your pick)! In came Wilfy, who never looked in trouble, making his early season form look like a distant nightmare. Steeno then played a shot that was more becoming of a little tiny girl the way he poofed the ball in the air to a gobshite fielder stood no more than 2 yards away! The next man in was the skipper Jonny who walked to the crease with a series of unimaginative Bill Bailey based comments ringing in his ears.Wilfy departed shortly afterwards, unlucky to be run out by a direct hit from the little gobby curly one. Out strode Wicksy (to some equally unimaginative long hair/beard based banter) and he and the skipper set about putting this ragtag outfit to the sword.
The scoreboard ticked along nicely and Mr Bean, Lanky Streak of Piss et al became more vociferous by the over, with the rain now taking centre stage there was just enough time for Jonny to drive the son of the ginger one from coronation street and the washing powder adverts over extra cover for 6. With the score a comfortable 71 for 4 we finally came in from the rain.
The rain break lasted approximately 2 pints then play resumed on a new look sticky pudding wicket. Runs were at a premium partly due to the state of the pitch and partly due to some accurate bowling from Mr Bean.Then what happened next defied belief!
Steeno who wouldn't know an LBW from a KFC raised his pointy little finger and Wicksy had to walk, given out by an officious little man to a ball so obviously going down the legside it wouldn't have hit another another set of stumps had they been there.With Jonny looking comfortable on 26 not out, Bomber, seemingly worried about being upstaged by his fellow umpire gave the skipper out LBW to a ball which hit him on the front leg which was so far down the wicket it was practically in the opposite popping crease, toys were thrown from the pram and words were exchanged!
Nigel and young Sam took the score past the hundred mark with the latter responding well to the somewhat inappropriate banter from Lanky Streak of Piss with a sweetly struck 4. At 104 for 6 from 16 overs the heavens opened again and ultimately the jollities were brought to a premature end.
This signalled a return to the pub for some much deserved liquid refreshment and the business of young Josh hustling the opposition wicketkeeper Michael (the term wicketkeeper being used in it's loosest form!) and turncoat guest star Dougie, out of a tenner in a catching competition. Bomber the umpire was caught accepting a drink from Lanky Streak of Piss (the bowler who benefited from his total lack of understanding of the LBW law) and as usual Steeno didn't join his team-mates for a drink!
Man of the Match : Lanky Streak of Piss (Olly) for his buttock/loin based sledging, his comedy fielding letting a ball straight through his legs for 4 and his all round entertainment!

Brewery hammered

2007-06-14T22:10:00.000+01:00

Those jolly nice chaps from White Horse Brewery, arrived with beer in't boot, and the forecast rain stayed away long enough for us to repay their generosity, with a good thrashing. I think I wouldn't choose to field first if there's beer on tap in the pavilion, but then I also wouldn't choose to park my pick up truck at long leg either. Anyway, the driver will be showing everyone his souvenir scar from the landlord for a while to come. The Bomber hit form with the bat, and retired on 29, and other highlights included Captain Marvelous with a cameo innings, and Sam's cracking 4 off his first ball. Talking of balls, what was that loud hollow sound emanating from Tompe's box ? Rob's duck halved his average, which is only fair- in fact it's more than fair. Judas Fletcher caught Matt-thanks pal, but127 still looked enough.
Matt opened up with a fierce first over, taking 2 wickets, including Andy with the first ball of their innings. Ollie "Harmo" Squires kept them on their toes with a variety of wides no balls & wickets, and although a few catches went down, we were always in control. Johnny, who has just finished reading Michael Vaughan's new book, tweaked the field after every ball, so it was nearly midnight when we wrapped it up. Anyway, like Vaughany, he's also patched things up with the scruffy, pedalo loving, lager lout, of the team, and Fuz has now finally paid his subs. How did we manage without his awesome contribution?
Man of the match= The Bomber

Victor "Fuz" Meldrew hasn't paid his subs....

2007-06-08T00:13:00.000+01:00

The main story this week is not our traumatic loss to some people near Wales, but rather that Fuz is witholding his MCC subs until he is selected to play. I don't believe it ! Apparently rather miffed that a totally shit player, who lives nearby, should be picked ahead of him, he has vowed not to pay until picked, which of course is not possible under current club rules. Watching from the wings, he was critical of our performance tonight- quite rightly-but wouldn't it be more helpful to pay up and get involved rather than bitch from the sidelines ? Luckily SKY weren't here to record the spat, and I am happy to say team spirit is still high.
Batting first, we scored steadily, with Tim top scoring and Nigel going well until he committed Hari Kari. Wickets fell steadily until a great rally from Robbo & Tadcaster, who managed a six from a forward defensive off the last ball, thanks to twatty fielding from the Welsh. Even Fuz agreed that 101 wasn't as bad as it might have been.
Aston ticked over at 6 per over until Simon Claridge "purchased" a wicket for 3 sixes in his first over-probably not his best buy - and they were looking confident, with Howard "bungie" arm Williams his usual self in the field. A bit of late sledging from Captain Swagger, threatened some respectability, but SC lost it on a low note with one going between the the legs for four.

Man of the Match - Tompy who got a duck, dropped a catch, but bowled well and paid his subs.

PS Blewbury are complete twats- did you see Sky's Cricket AM ?

MCC Camera shy...........

2007-05-31T21:25:00.000+01:00

Sky Sport sent a YTS reporter & cameraman to Blewbury to film the local derby on the Rubber Jonny pitch. Actually Blewbury have just won a prestigious award for the worst cricket pavilion in the country (they are the current holders too) and Sky couldn't wait to start filming the disgusting hovel. However, a delayed start, caused by a Blewbury retard, having make up applied to his huge conk, and fluffing his lines 5 times, did not work in our favour, and we were always struggling to score on the Splastic pitch. Ducks from Fuz, Ollie & Simon were greeted with glee, now the new "jug" rules are in operation, though Fuz claims he actually scored a 50, but was denied by the scorer. We capitulated to 69 for 11-how generous of our hosts, who are unable to play away games due to travel sickness, or is it that they can't afford the petrol ? Anyway, as Peter put it, "Bowling straight is tantamount to cheating on a Thursday evening "

Now to the positives...................

Good bowling on debut from Sam "Tadcaster" Smith, some great catching (no drops, and only 1 aborted attempt), the best "swagger" on view from Capt Jonny, a better pavilion, a better pub, better beer, better looking players, better WAGS. so as Howard would say - chin up- can't be good at everything.

Man of the match- Tadcaster

LMAO at Cuxham .....................

2007-05-24T23:23:00.000+01:00

Jonny proved himself the complete "tosser" by calling correctly again, and decided to bat. He didn't count on Nigel rushing back past him to The Half Moon so quickly, but a Golden Duck is a life changer, and Nige has started drinking tops now, instead of shandies, as he struggles to deal with the shame of it. Luckily Lockey & Milesey were safe as usual, and Norman Stanley chipped in with a few to negate Fuzzy Duck's minimal contribution. Death from Above failed again, but a couple of cameos from Thompy on debut, & Olly helped us to 124. Captain Yaxley was finally out, but pronounced himself happy with 124, though he would have preferred to have the security of SS in the team at No 11. Cuxham fancied their chances big time, and even slagged us off to our undercover agent Vicky Picken. This information merely fuelled the desire to kill them them, and despite a dodgy first over courtesy of Ollie & "Chin Up" Williams, order was soon restored by tight bowling & fielding all round. A satisfying victory away from Fortress Moreton, and we need more of the same at Shitehole Blewbury next week.

PS New "fines" introduced this week by Captain Jonny.............

Golden Duck = 1 Jug
Duck = 1/2 Jug
Dropped Catch = 1/2 Jug
Being phoned in the pub by your nagging wife = 1/2 jug

Jug = 4 pints- be warned. Captains decision is final on catches-
if you go for a tough catch & fail it won't cost you !!

Mill St Stuffed

2007-05-17T22:16:00.000+01:00

"A damp pitch"- mmm understatement of the year ! There is more life left in Gerald than that pitch, so we quickly revised our target score down from 250 to a more realistic 125. Stuart & his Gramps started steadily to give us a sound platform for the big hitters. But Bomber "bombed" & Sam stuttered, leaving Tim & Fuzz to top score before the tail wagged & Steeno scored the required single to reach 125 off the last ball. Skip looked quietly confident at the break, and Ollie, Sam & Fuzz didnt let us down with some tight opening overs. Nigel & Trevor were in buoyant mood having got their Thursday discounts at B& Q, and only a blind pigmy umpire deprived Fuzz of a clean bowled, out of the sun. Steeno, Peter & Howard shelled a few catches to keep them interested, but ultimately they were well beaten by a better team.
Man of the match Stuart Locke for a handy 20 & a blinding effort behind the stumps- Robbo should be worried.

Cuxham away next Thursday

Why ?

2007-05-12T11:41:00.000+01:00

Can anyone explain why we failed to put up a team for The Village Cup Competition ? I know of several "useful" players who were not asked to play, and even if the opposition is very strong, such players would gain valuable experience playing in a higher grade. As it happens the game would probably have been called off due to rain, so we could have rescheduled, so a pretty poor decision if you ask me.

Anyone got any views on this one ?

Tim

Squash Crushed

2007-05-03T22:02:00.000+01:00

A resounding victory for Midweek over the freeky fit feckers from Wallingford. Batting first, Squash started badly with a great run out from Matt, and a good catch on the boundary from Stuart. Good bowling from Jonny "stumpsoutoftheground" Yaxley, Matt & Ollie kept the run rate contained, and even though Simon C went for a fair few at the end, 141 looked possible on a fair batting track.

Nigel opened with Stuart, who could have been his grandson, and a superb partnership was forged, with Nige scoring prodigiously with his new blade- if only he'd bought it 50 years ago ! Nige retired, and Eg & Peter tried to f**k everything up, but their incompetence only spurred on Fletch & Fuzz. Sam will have to explain to the President, why he damaged the interior of the new pavilion-please see him in his office on Monday morning. A comfortble 7 wicket victory was achieved with 3 overs to spare.

To sum up in the words of the captain " cracking all round team performance from everyone, except ******** who was useless "

Next week Southfield home

Low Full Toss...

2007-05-03T11:39:00.000+01:00

Miele rocked up with a team consisting of mainly Germans and Kaz Miles. They wanted to bowl, we wanted to bat, and so to the crease went Nigel Hessey and Wilf....
...and back in came Wilf. To the untrained eye he looked like a madman galloping up the wicket for an ill-conceived swat at the ball, however upon his return to the pavilion, he confirmed our worst suspicions- a low full toss. They say that with a good batting partnership when you lose one, the others not too far behind, Moreton have extended this philosophy to include the entire middle order.
Only the skipper, with a committed performance, stemmed the tide of wickets (semi-ably abetted by my good self) hitting a lovely 27 not out. A short while afterwards Moreton were all out for 75 off 15 overs.
There were some other notable moments from the innings including;
-A slightly aggrieved Fuz traipsing back to the pavilion having been run out by Kaz, whilst standing just short of the non-strikers end. It was a rocket of a throw mind.
- Matt, who looked in good touch, holing out to a man on the boundary just seconds after the bowler had yelled 'bloody hell' at lobbing down a long hop.
- Yaxley and yours truly running 3, then needing to recover for the rest of the over - we're not all as sprightly as Nigel you know.

It was just after the last wicket fell that Miele's ringers abandoned their German accents.
Their opening pair set about despatching Moreton's bowlers into the neighbouring field, and despite Simon 'the magnificent seven' Claridge and Peter 'the bomber' Lancaster's best efforts they just could not recreate the elusive low full toss. Despite the rain, which would have been Moreton's saviour, the visitors knocked up the total with the loss of just 2 wickets- both to the captain.

So that's the first game then... next week we play the boys with rubber balls.

Nic

M.C.C. on Tour...................

2007-03-05T21:27:00.000Z

We are off to Sussex in July for a short tour. 3 matches on 11/12/13th July with 2 nights out in Brighton.
If you fancy a piece of the action, please email Simon Claridge. Simon.Claridge@demandtec.com

Moreton V Didcot IV

2007-01-10T12:32:00.000Z

Well Christmas is behind us, so the cricket season is not far away. This season we will have a midweek blog, which will allow you to contribute your views & thoughts, should you have any ! To wet your appetite for the forthcoming season, here is an extract from the report for our last midweek match v Jonny's XIII. Please feel free to contribute.............

"Most people are happy with a good piss up & a present for their birthday, but not JY. He had to have his very own cricket match to celebrate his tedious milestone, and he challenged MCC accordingly. To qualify for his elite team, he required players to be either a) one of the Didcot IV b) be called Tom or c) have the surname Yaxley. Sadly Howard & Fuzz picked up "girly" injuries, much to Robbo's disapproval, and all Didcot Toms were unavailable, or too expensive. Amazingly JY is the best cricketer in his family, so he had to lower his standards, hired Will MacDonald,& eventually fielded a Baker's dozen against our more traditional XI. MCC batted first and registered an acceptable 141 from 20 overs. The Unwashed capitulated under aerial bombardment from Ivan's Donkey droppers, and fell miserably short.
Jonny had tried to get an eminent person to present the trophy, and he also asked Gerald, but ultimately he had to throw the Toys R Us shield at skipper Squires himself. Ed of course dropped it, so it's currently being repaired. "