Huntin, Shootin & Fishin for DUCK

Cuxham is a tricky away game, and we haven't won there for 3 years. Their wicket is known to be a bit problematical, but news filtered through that they had invested heavily in the wicket, and it would play well;. the faces in the know, suggested 125 would be a par score.A strongish Moreton team turned up, with Will, Rhod, Westy & Ben making their first Thursday night appearances of the season, with Nigel "my kit is in the car " Hessey on standby should we need him (normally at least one player car gets lost on the way here, and is never seen again ). First view of the wicket confirmed that some investment had been made, but on closer inspection, some "damp spots" were noted on the outfield- Cuxham assured us that this was just where the players had a pee, due to the lack of "facilities" at the ground, but I'm sure I saw one of them fishing there when we arrived.

Moreton batted first with Will attempting to fill the boots of Tim's usual TOP colleague Ed. Tim found it rather confusing that Will was still there after the first 2 overs had passed, but soon adjusted to batting with a "cricketer" and the OP clocked up 49 without mishap.

Cuxham lost their opening bowler Dale "hedge" Winton, who fell awkwardly trying to stop one of Tim's drives- suffice to say that he no longer looks quite so pleased with life ............................................

Moreton sportingly offered Nige as a sub, and the game resumed, with Tim & Will retired, and Bomber in charge of today's duck parade. He didn't disappoint, returning to the pavilion immediately, sporting a large bruise on his thigh, as conclusive evidence of his inability to get out of the way of a straight ball. Thompy kept him company, again missing a straight one, but it was left to Lachlan to achieve the highest duck accolade of getting out without facing a ball. Meanwhile Rhod had somehow managed to plunder the bowling, even with the undoubted hindrance of being doubled up with laughter. Having looked like getting 200, we had to settle for 130- still above par according to the experts. Only 3 ducks this week then.

Swagger & Westy opened the bowling, and I don't think I have seen better on a Thursday night. After 8 overs, Cuxham were a feeble 10 runs for 5 wickets, and the duck shoot was in full flow. Sammy joined in the fun with a fine spell, yielding 4 wickets, including a real "ripper" that Warney would have been proud of. The "highlights package", as Ben coined it, concluded with Cuxham demolished for just 36 miserable runs. Total ducks bagged by us =6, meaning total "duckage " for the match of 9- is that a record ? A couple of pints at the pub followed by some crispy duck, and we left Cuxham searching for their "guarantee " certificate from the company who prepared their wicket.

Next week Blewbury in unfamiliar territory- here !

Giant Haystacks

On arrival this week, regular "midweekers" recognised the unmistakable figure of the "immovable object" fielding at midwicket; a super injunction prevents me from naming him, but the silhouette was unmistakable, confirmed by the ginger wisp of hair on top- only the lack of a blackberry, putting doubt in some player's minds. Both teams agreed to let him field for them, so as not to have to disturb him, or ask him to do the unthinkable.... move.

Sammy "always the son" Smith was missing, apparently on tour with The Stranglers, rather than supporting his midweek mates. Jonny lost the toss, so had to sport the duck hat rather longer than ideal. Al, Jonny & Josh bowled well, but tonight's bowling star was Lachlan, who picked up a fourfor and even ran someone out without the ball. Bomber was out fielded by the "stack", who didn't put a foot wrong. Allsorts registered a miserable, feeble & totally pathetic 51- a total they should be ashamed of. Swagger was so confident he headed straight for the showers, exuding maximum confidence in his teammates. At 16-6 we had to turn the water to cold to get him out; the Moreton juggernaut had stalled, and was overheating in the layby. Bomber had inexplicably run himself out, whilst others had played injudicious shots. Experience, a cool head, and a straight bat were required, and it thankfully arrived in a small package called Al Squires. An heroic performance to rescue his Dad, and mates, from the potential embarrassment of losing to a bunch of part-timers from Didcot. Result- a comfortable 1 wicket win.

Next week Cuxham away

Footnote: Sam "golden brown" Smith is planning to use the haystack as part of his set, for part 2 of his blockbusting video "At home with Mrs Squires".

4 Big Ducks

Some pre-match selection issues this week, with at least 16 players seeking the privilege of representing Moreton Midweek. A tough call for Mr Waxley, who briefly considered proportional representation, before turning to the much simpler method of financial representation. Having culled non paying members, those whose cheques bounced, and bankrupts, he was slightly short, but eventually turned out a lean & mean XI to face the might of Germany's elite hoover salesmen.

Miele presumably faced their own selection problems, having recently "let go" several employees who knew their way round a cricket bat rather better than they did a hoover.

Ed had control of the duck hat, but not for long. His thinly disguised, in fact totally undisguised, glee at passing it to Tim, was at least matched, in fact totally surpassed, by the immediate transfer to "golden boy" Bomber. Bomber's despair was brief, unfortunately, and he was soon able to return it to its rightful owner Ed. So after 2 overs, Moreton were in deep trouble at 2 for 3 with the U-boats circling for the kill. A 14 ball over, yielding 23 runs helped stabilise things, and Badger (44) Matt (42) and Thompy (24) ensured a healthy total, but not before Sammy fell to young Josh, and Jonny took pity on Ed, grabbing the duck hat for himself. Moreton ended on 163 for 9, but some concern was voiced about the overcrowding on the village pond, and a short break ensued, whilst the RSPCA investigated.

Play continued, affording the aforementioned ducks a chance to redeem themselves. Duck 1 (Tim) effected a run out and stopped everything coming his way, Duck 3 (Ed) managed 2 run outs, swooping like a preying mantis on speed, and Duck 4 (Jonny) bowled superbly, 2 for 4, including his 100th wicket for Moreton.* The more astute of you are asking about Duck 3 (Bomber), who sporting his brand new "concentration camp " look, evaded 2 simple catches and generally clowned around in the deep- so no redemption there then. Nigel "the enforcer" Hessey did his bit for youth development by catching young Josh, and then giving him a Churchillian salute, Al & Sammy bowled really well for their 2 wickets each, and Rob, Volvo, Bugalugs, CC1, Junior MacGregor kept wicket in fine style to wrap up a thumping win for Moreton.

The Moreton Juggarnaut rolls on to Inter Allsorts next week

* I took a phone call late last night from a Mr Moany Wincer, from Brightwell-cum- Sotwell, who suspects Mr Waxley's claim of 100 wickets is incorrect; after checking the scorebooks, he can only find 98 wickets..................