The North Moreton tour started as expected.
A 5 minute wait in BST (British Squires Time – one hour offset from the rest of
us) enabled an in depth discussion on the best way to deal with sudden calendar
injuries , sustained by Messrs Tebworth and Mahahahahahahalinger. Surprise
inclusion Tom 'Le Gateau' Macdonald,
with permission from the appropriate
authorities, ensured that the Moreton squad was at full strength.
Upon arriving in sunny
North Devon, amid the acrid smell of steak slices and cocktail sausages, the
touring party descended upon the sleepy town of Porlock, Somerset, with the
spirit and determination that would rival the most excitable of children
at Christmas.
After a short presentation
by our revered and distinguished social secretary, Mr Paul Jackson, our 20/20
captain Rob McGregor started off well by winning a challenging coin toss and
elected to bat on a pitch that was about as bouncy as the assets grafted onto
Miss K Price.
As the opposition, freshly
changed out of their nappies took the field, out stepped Ed Squires and Tim
Haworth into the middle, brandishing their bats, ready to inflict damage and
wreak havoc on the sleepy town of Porlock.
This did not happen.
Ed Squires only just
avoided a straight ball which clipped the top of middle stump early in the 2nd
over. Charlie Esse came and went for a small cameo role in the middle, hitting
a 4 and not much else, out for 6. Tim, enraged by a bouncer that had slipped
through on under the bat and caught him in his side held strong, swatting a few
selected shots which even were applauded by our Social Sec, once he realized
the ball was NOT going to hit his car. Surprise addition Tom ‘cake’ Macdonald
immediately justified his selection by strolling down the runway, in typical
Macdonald fashion, swatting a well bowled in-swinging Yorker for 6. Tom and Tim
had a cracking knock together, until Tim got trapped between a bad decision and
‘Macdonald fever’ (an affliction that befalls anyone who bats with a member of
the Macdonald family) and was bowled, letting Nick Cross come to the centre. A
few fantastic well run batch of singles from The Cake, who got caught behind
after one sherry too many, allowed R Macgregor to hold up the middle with Nigel
Legendinho Hessey getting in and out for a duck. The game climaxed with Nick
Cross accomplishing a fantastic Test match Innings for an emphatic 1. Kaz
Miles, already irritated by life, held up with Rob to ensure the end of the
innings came for 91. Top scores for Moreton were T Mac (34), The Landlord (20)
and the Umpire (19).
After a fantastic rousing
team talk by Jacko, all ready bright eyed and red faced, spurred the chaps to
rally in the field, with uncharacteristically skillful catches from Messers
Miles and Cross. A shot off the lubricated, rubbery bowling of the Caveman
Smith was met with a frantic bark from a well hydrated SocSec ensuring the
flustered #miles palming the catch over the boundary for 4. Percy hit behind for 0 while having a cameo
for the opposition. Played Perce! Fantastic stumpings from R Macgregor and
tight bowling from the Macdonald contingent and Freddie ensured another Tour
win for Moreton by 15 runs. Bowling figures ended with T Macdonald (4 wickets),
C Macdonald (3 wickets), Freddie (2 wickets) and Kaz (1 wicket). Man of the
Match was awarded to The Cake for an impressive sherry-infused game.
A splendid game and a well
deserved victory, with the Porlock infants left devastated: weeping at the
grit, team spirit and unalloyed talent of the mighty MCC Touring side 2013.
All legal documents relating to this article should be served on C Esse esq. c/o Hot Mum,Victoria Cottage North Moreton
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Observations from the North Devon & Somerset Tour 2013:
1
For Tourists that pull out at the last minute, feign illness
& alleged hospitalisation, or are generally too feeble and disorganised to
remember the correct week: when you next manage to actually attend a Tour we
must be grown-up about things. Nothing will be said and no retributive action
will be taken, such as sustained high-level sarcasm delivered at length and
high volume by lifelong experts; very old salad cream mixed with Deep Heat
generously applied to your box; and a sound shoe-beating from all (a Tour
tradition). OH no. That wouldn’t do AT ALL.
2
Notwithstanding the above, if the last-minute replacement is one
T Macdonald he will be an individual of such ability and charm the quality of
both the side and the Tour is actually greatly improved.
3
A Social Secretary needs to bother preparing a proper
valedictory speech and prize-giving. Simply guzzling beer, expressing
right-wing views and shouting unwanted life advice to younger Members all night
is not a satisfactory alternative.
4
There is no ‘a’ in Famous Mum’s surname, despite what it says on
his Tour shirt. Still ,he owes me £30 so sod him.
5
SocSec should not leave his phone unattended near an Anti-Ferret
unless suddenly and unaccountably becoming fluent in all Cyrillic
languages.
6
Hot Mum should not leave his bag unattended near an Anti-Ferret
unless prepared to panic like a massive girl and go on a pointless drive around
to find it, whilst all else are in the pub. With the bag. Sniggering.
7
Do not engage in games suited only to much younger people than
oneself, especially if the game is preceded by the word ‘Danger’. (I have the
image of a staring avian embossed neatly on my forehead as the consequence of a
too-enthusiastic round of ‘Danger Owl’.)
8
If you need to keep The Landlord quiet for any reason in the
future, simply break one of his ribs.
9
Everyone in Porlock has the surname ‘Lake’. Though...
10
...Porlockians believe everyone in Oxfordshire is called
‘Macdonald’.
11
Nigel occasionally cannot drive downhill despite officially
being ‘The Legendinho’.
12
C Macdonald is more intelligent than his older brother. This is
actually not much of a compliment as I have a cushion which is as well.
13
Percy plays much better for Us than as a stand-in for Them –
nice one Perce.
14
Percy is also extremely interesting, as I found this morning
when discussing both church architecture AND town planning.
15
Stiff Dog is a stark but colourful reminder of exactly why
people should be banned from having tattoos until they are at least 35. By this
age, most will correctly understand tattoos as a crime against the aesthetic.
Though at least Sammys inspired a momentarily absorbing but painful game (which
seems only to injure middle-aged drunks, see 7 above).
16
Old men with dodgy hips and an equivocal attitude to his own
bar’s honesty box cannot take simple breakfast orders or deliver the correct
food order to the right person, without blaming their senility and general
uselessness on the customer.
17
Strictly speaking, when asked which school one attended, the
acceptable answer is ‘Eton’. Or possibly ‘Abingdon’.
18
St. Birinus does not have a third ‘i’. Even when pronounced
correctly, it is certainly not advisable as an answer to (17).
19
2013 Tourists passed a resolution to be sent to His Holiness the
Pope: “that henceforth Saint Birinus, far from being merely the first Bishop of
Dorchester and converter of heathen Wessexonians, should also become the Patron
Saint of fast food outlets in Didcot”.
20
Driving at 90mph back from Porlock closely following Kaz in his
soon-to-be-sold car (£800 OVNO, HRW, PAS, bargain) was great fun until he hit
loose chippings, which significantly unsmoothed the frontal appearance of my
car.
21
Kaz is also officially too old to sit at the youngsters table
any more, but too young yet to join the proper grown-ups. He will just have to
sit on his own until he’s 40.
22
Freddie is a top bloke for a Johnny Foreigner, being of course
‘not German’. He and the lovely Wilhemane (sorry - a total guess at the
spelling) showed a commitment to the cause which those referred to in (1)
might. Learn. From.
23
Ed bloody loves Rioja, as we all knew before the Tour. I was
however surprised and frankly embarrassed by his gushing over the
cheap’n’flinty Co-Op Shiraz bought in desperation. I mean Lynton.
24
Another note for SocSecs: having looked up the appropriate cricketing
law, I can confirm when pressed into service as an Umpire, one has a quite
different function to that of a spectator. The law is quite specific: Umpires
should not applaud the action then look surprised when asked for a run-out
decision.
25
Finally, The Legendinho achieved a long-held ambition to play at
the Valley of Rocks.
The weather threatened to muck it all up as it so often
does. But I think I speak on behalf of us all when I express our happiness that
this milestone has successfully been reached in this, his 50th year
with the Club. Well done Nige.
Gentlemen, it has been an honour and a privilege. My record of
having never lost on Tour remains, confirming our mutual decision not to
actually play me, ever.
Here’s to Barcelona 2014! More on this topic soon.
cheers
Jacko, SocSec
All legal documents relating to this article should be served on Jacko esq. c/o Arsenal Football Club
