Hero to Zero

As Blewbury is one of our favourite games, it was an unexpected bonus when they turned up on Thursday instead of FCC; even more surprising, as it was a home game for us, since they are normally unable to "travel" on a Thursday !

Bomber's exploits on Sunday have been well documented, so the team was bullish with him batting at 4. No "long fellow" to open, so Tim & Nige did the honours, with a lucky escape for yours truly, dropped off the first ball; actually even luckier for Templedoom, 'cos he would have had my bat wrapped 'round his head if it had stuck. Nige played aggressively & so did Charlie, and a big innings from Bomber was expected. Bomber's Thursday form is of course piss poor, as we all know, so it shouldn't have been any surprise that he let his mates down again, getting a quick duck, so he could rush back to his beer and continue boring everyone in the pavilion with the tale of how he got his 50 on Sunday. He now plans to "stay at home" waiting for the call from either Hollywood directors, England selectors, or The Benefits Office. Sammy clocked up his 10th Duck of the season with a sweet clip off his legs, straight to a fielder. Swagger had another good knock for 21 & Stuart (17*)& Wicksy(25*) finished with a flurry to bring us up to a respectable 157. This would almost certainly be enough if we were playing FCC as scheduled, but against Blewbury, it might be a tight call ?

Joe & Felch bowled well & both picked up a wicket, with Felch being particularly economical. Jonny also had a good spell, and picked up 3 for 20 off his 4 overs. Unfortunately Wicksy & Smithy leaked runs badly, with special mention for Wicksy who bowled absolute tripe, getting 3 undeserved wickets, with gift wrapped dross ! Bomber plucked a great catch on the boundary, briefly reclaiming "hero" status, before reverting to type 2 minutes later with a buffoon like misfield. Blewbury boys finished the run chase off in the last over, and it was back to The Bear and more "tales of the unexpected" from Bomber.

Here's a photo of Bomber's 50 for you to enjoy at your leisure

Back to reality

After the heady days of Bordeaux, it was back to earth with Wally Squash Club & a gale force wind. My typing finger has done a fair bit of overtime recently, so this report may not be as extensive as usual; of course if we had won it might well have been different !

WSC batted first and Al & Westy bowled really well to keep a tight rein on the run rate, and at 4-26, we were firmly in control; Al took 3-17 off his 4 overs. At this point, the squash players phoned for help, and biked over a cricketer from Stoke Row, whose arrival coincided with a bout of generosity from Thompy & Wicksy, who both leaked runs faster than the dams of the Ruhr Valley. Smithy had the satisfaction of getting JayJamJani out, but our self appointed fielding coach, Bomber, didn't help our cause by missing a few in the slips, and was eventually banished to the deep, but unfortunately WSC had now got a defendable target of 126.

In very dark conditions, we struggled to find fluency in our batting; Ed (21) & Westy (24) both batted well, Al (16*) performed beyond his years, and a late flurry from Thompy (17) nearly threatened an unlikely win, but the squash club bowlers were pretty accurate with the big red ball, and we fell short by 11 runs.

Crazy Frog bottles it !

Friday

Probably the highlight of the week, was the game at Chateau Giscours, a troisieme Margaux, producing really good claret. The cricket pitch is in the grounds of the chateau, and we preceded the game with an informative & enjoyable tour. Giscours are French champions & rather fancy themselves- they even have a few French players in their team as Jacques-oh discovered when he referred to the French polo team, who used to train there, as " a load of Frenchmen poncing around on horses" !

Batting first on the strangest of wickets- concrete with coconut matting- a few struggled with the variable bounce, and Rowan took a stinker under the ribs from some Yarpie, before he got off the mark. He went on to top score with 62, which just goes to show you should never annoy an Aussie, especially one with a British passport ! Our score of 136 looked about par, but should have been higher, except a certain person refused to get himself on strike, because he was scared of getting the duck hat. This selfish behaviour deserves to be exposed to the wider world, so, having taken legal advice, I am posting a photo of him now- quick mention for Swagger for a top spot !

Well batted too Sammy Smith- in difficult circumstances he kept calm and played some lovely shots.

Bowling plaudits shared around really, but nice to see Nick Cross in the thick of it at the end, and a special mention for Volvo, who took a decent catch to get rid of Matthew Pincents cousin. Moreton win by 33.

So it's "Jouer trois- gagnez trois" or something like that ! Unbeaten on tour again- unbelievable. A great week- thanks for all the laughs chaps- and a massive thank you to Nick & Jonny for sorting it all out. Special mention too for Ed "Espagnol" Squires and Didier for the superb day they arranged for us on Monday. One final memory is a 2 year old girl taking the piss out of Dive at the airport- some people are born for it ! Bomber we need you next year !

A bientot

Damazan in distress

Thursday

Unbelievably we have another game of cricket scheduled for today- I make that 2 in 4 days- who organised this schedule, they must be mad ? Luckily I'm down for a rest today, so a stop at the supermarket is required as we try to recreate the Bear at Home bar in Damazan- possibly the most picturesque ground in the South West- or maybe not.

Apparently it's a "bastide" town, well it's certainly a right " bastide" to get too. First impressions were good, although they have the same water melon sales shacks as St Aulaye & the toilet/shower block confuses several of our players who can't decide which is which. If you really want to know about the cricket, there's a Damazan report, written by a guy who was paying attention http://www.damazancricket.com/2010-match-reports. They were pretty impressed with our team, particularly a young chappie they called "Hessic" who "scored a hard hit 51", his first runs on tour since decimalisation. I believe they are looking to sign an "enforcer" for their youth team, and Nige could be their man. Personally I was more impressed with Le Deno who hit a boundary to register a PB of 6 & Jacques Oh, who didn't hit anything and trudged off with the Duck Hat firmly on his head. This was a real low point for him, and he suddenly looked older than Messey & Gibbsey combined. Cue The Temple of Doom, who 2 minutes later met the same fate, and Jacques Oh was up and charging on to the field like a puppy, maybe quite a fat puppy, but nevertheless a dramatic transformation. Dave hardly made it off the square before having the Chapeau de Canard rammed onto his ginger nest. The only other moment of note that I saw was Damazan's founder, Jean Claude, walking in to bat, with the job of saving the match for them; apparently he had driven for nearly 3 hours to get here, promptly got a duck (a fine catch by Felcher, considering he was sucking on a straw at the time) and faced another 3 hour drive home. So we returned to Bordeaux in high spirits with an unbeaten record, and prospects of another night out on the town. One slightly disturbing moment was Twixie letting his hair down, literally, on the bus, and he did deservedly receive a yellow card for this; not as bad as Messey's red card incident on Monday, but still pretty disgusting.

PS can someone send me "Messey the movie" for online publication ?

Percy's favourite Codpiece

Ed's big contribution to the tour ended today, and Ed is such a great guy that several younger tourists expressed an interest in joining the Squires family. Not sure quite how I'm going to get a balanced book on this, but here are the current odds:-



The Ed Squire's son in law to be challenge stakes

(for ungelded colts with small brains )

Betting is win only, or in Ed's case lose only



2/1 Le garcon Schmidt

3/1 Any McDonald brother (3 runners)

4/1 Any Bugalugs from Smith's Cottage ( 3 runners from this stable too)

10/1 unnamed Didcot Chav

100/1 Dive Simpleman



Wednesday



Today has been set aside for eating & drinking, as it's quite important to get the right balance of high octane sport, mixed with rest & relaxation; there had been some mutterings that we had overdone the cricket a bit, so this was a chance to balance the books. Booked in to La Tupina, which everyone looked forward to except Percy, who prefers a nut roast to a rare steak. But first some culture for a select group of tourists, who were seen taking brass rubbings in the cathedral, follwed by a trip on the toy train. Rest of us sparked up with an armagnac, before heading to the restaurant. This is one of France's top restaurants, and The Herald Tribune described it as 2nd best in the world ! Having enjoyed delicacies such as 8hour shoulder of Lamb & Carpaccio of Duck, I think the experience was best summed up by Rowan, who came out with "YUM ! " Even Percy was happy, as his Codpiece was apparently very succulent, in fact so good that he has posted a picture of it below.










A trip to Bar a vin was rewarded with some fine wines at subsidised prices-it was fortunate that Ed had kindly left his tab open, and the day rounded off nicely with Germany ausganging out of the World Cup. Finally more culture on the way home with another chapter of Bleak House in Chas Dicken's hostelry. The two "big O's" Deno & Jacko insist on an early night as they have had the nod from Monsieur X that they will be in the starting XI tomorrow.

Bugalugs !!

OK so firstly who or what is Bugalugs ? Found a definition as follows:-

An Australian term of endearment, similar to "Mate" but usually used in a slightly more patronising tone and with less immediate masculine connotations. A good example is a parent describing a son or daughter, or an older person describing a young person. The term is usually used playfully.

So the more astute will now know who Bugalugs is, and the "Ou est theme" continues with Bugalugs being the latest boy overboard. At least Dive the "fountain of no knowledge " is present, if not correct, at breakfast. The difference this time is that one person does care about the missing person, and Rowan had been heard shouting "Boysie" all through the night in a vain attempt to get Robert back from the red light district. He had been about to reach for his strides, when the errant boy returned, and we left them to a small family discussion, extracts of which included .....
"honestly mite..............grounded....................worried sick................5 euros etc etc"
We travelled to St Aulaye, stimulated by the team news being released by Kazpello 2 hours before the game; no great surprises, and of course Bugalugs was dropped on Dad's instructions. We eventually spotted the roadside watermelon sales hut that doubles as their pavilion, and jumped enthusiastically off the bus. When Wynford had dreamt of setting up a cricket club near Bordeaux, it was the thought of getting a load of gobby Englishmen, plus Rowan, wearing lemon polo shirts, blaring Ole Ole Ole across the outfield, that kept him going in his long search for a watermelon shack. Batting first, TOP had a bad start, with Ed getting a duck; it got worse when we realised nobody had brought the step ladders, so the tricky logistical problem of getting the hat on his head had to be overcome, before the game could continue. Rowan was taken out by a U-boat ball, but Felcher & Grincement led the recovery, with Pompier showing off in front of Blue Watch, to push us past 200. The Ole boys kept us going in the field, and heroic efforts from our bowlers kept us in the game, with victory being achieved in the final over by 7 runs; this handily increased the significance of my own 8 run contribution to the game.
Jonny kindly made arrangements for us to see the Holland game, in a conveniently situated bar, just 2 blocks away. The rest of the evening followed a familiar pattern, I think, and we finished as usual with a cultural trip to Charles Dickens Bar.

Ou est Dave ?

sunday- arrive in Bordeaux, check into our rooms, which were clean, but hardly spacious; in fact if Nigel had brought his cat with him, he would not have been able to swing it, and already some members of the tour party were plotting how to avoid spending the night there. Tour blogging is usually easy- you just watch Bomber, and the rest takes care of itself. This year looked tougher, with plenty of candidates trying to provide material. We kicked off with a waterfight led by able fireman Westy, and there were some concerns that Dave might be a bit pissed. Luckily he had taken a photo of our hotel tram stop, so we were reassured that he wouldn't have a problem getting home........................


monday- no sign of Dave at breakfast, and the first divisions of the tour party were exposed. The "yes worries" group, clearly concerned for Dave, started phoning round hospitals, whilst the "no worries" faction carried on regardless, occasionally stopping to berate him for being so selfish. A trip to the beautiful St Emilion and a rake of Armagnacs calmed everyone, until the news we had all dreaded came through.........................Dave had been found alive. Stories were circulating of Dave swimming the Gironde and being rescued by a police helicopter, before being rushed to hospital- so Dave does have a fertile imagination after all.

Police sources later confirmed that a ginger haired twat was found trying to nick a euro out of a fountain, and was too drunk to climb out. Several passers by had been deterred from rescuing him when they saw an alarming, brightly coloured zit on his head, but as the city water supply was now at risk from the poison, police had no choice but to step in, and pull him out. A very angry police spokesman said Bordeaux police were very pissed off with Monsieur Dive Simpleman, as they now had wet socks, and they would be sending him a large bill.

Dive met us at a vineyard later with hospital instructions in French, which fortunately Ed was able to translate, " do not let the patient dry out too quickly"- thus Dive's health was made a priority for the rest of the day. Percy declared this " the besht day ever, ever in thirty four years of touring". Jaques Oh was overjoyed at the copious amounts of duck made available to us, saying it was his second best day on tour ever. Returning to the city, we made an unsceduled stop for a senior tourist, and he repeated the feat at what is now known as "techno corner" by turning himself inside out in spectacular style. Percy thought local planners might reject his choice of hues for the pavement grout, but we were reassured that they would tone down eventually . I'm pretty sure the next 24 hours will be uneventful- check back later to see if I'm right.

Aston hammered again...............

Thanks to Volvo & Swagger for giving me a break from the blog, but my fans have now demanded I return.

But first a Tappin Cup postscript.................Georgia has just got a new pet, and she tells me she wants to call her rabbit Lockey. As I wasn't at the TC, I'm not sure of the significance of this news, but I can tell you, Georgia hasn't stopped laughing for a week- what's this all about eh ?

Anyway back to BrummyWindBag & The Dudlaay Boys. I must say BWB looked a little deflated when I saw him; perhaps he was remembering the heavy defeat his DB's suffered here last time, or maybe he just took the wrong exit off spaghetti junction. Whatever the reason, it was certainly easier on the ear this time, and he's now officially downgraded to just BB. No "our Graham" this time either for Thompy to torture; his replacement being Bryn Rhys Huw-Jones, from I'm not quite sure where ?

Moreton selection news centred around Volvo choosing to attend a gay picnic by the river rather than help his "Midweek" mates win a game of cricket. In a risky move, Volvo sent his younger bro Lachlan to take his place, and he immediately slotted into the team, with the added bonus that he actually brushes his hair.

Unfathomably, Bomber appointed himself "fielding coach", demonstrating to Sammy and others, how to get your "hot pie cabinet" behind the ball and prevent a boundary. More Tee Hee Hee than MCC, but thanks for your input Bomber !

With Al & Swagger bowling well, but without luck, Skip decided to bring on Wicksy for some of his new medium pace cutters. Wicksy though, had other ideas, insisting that it was December already, and reverted to his generous spin drivel. Whatever he may tell his grandchildren, he just got lucky when their number 3 smashed one with a pretty ribbon it, straight to "Sorry" on the boundary. In another inspired change, Jonny chucked Thompy the ball, and once he had picked it back up off the floor, he struck gold with his first delivery. Smithy repeated the trick, and Fletch helped their tail increase their bowel movements with some lively pace at the end.

Target 151- gettable, but no "walk in the park"

As usual "the tall ones" got us off to a flier with 30 on the board after just 2 overs. Next in Lachlan, who whilst his bro was nibbling at cucumber sandwiches, decided he should uphold family honour by blasting 28 in double quick time, before retiring. Meanwhile Ed continued the retirement party theme with a majestic 25, and even Bomber weighed in with an unbeaten 33. We were now in danger of running out of carriage clocks, so Smithy & Fletch decided to "push it" for an early finish; victory, a "walk in the park", was sealed by 9 wickets with 3 overs to spare. A superb batting performance to mask the slightly "iffy" efforts in the field- Bomber will be offering more fielding tips if anyone cares to listen.....................................no thought not.

Next Week, Daisy Duck goes to Bordeaux- Bon Chance to all !

We'll be back at The Croft on Thurs 15th July v Wally Squash Club