Grumpy 2 Trumpy

A new fixture for us, and an away one 'cos Nige doesn't get out much. He sold it to us as a game against old friend Squeak's team, in the idyllic riverside town of Dorchester. We imagined playing in the shadows of Dorchester Abbey, by the banks of the river, with a short stroll to the pub, so most of us arrived in a chirpy mood looking forward to a pleasant evening. In reality we played in a cow field in Berensfield, with Kabul CC's pavilion, complete with anti grenade shutters, doubling up as a Muslim style bar. One of our number was already in a foul mood; Lachlan "it's not fair" MacGregor was arguing with his bro, Rob "I don't care " MacGregor about a new scoreboard, hangovers, and life in general.

Anyway TOP were sent out to bat, but Ed soon perished, and Nige followed first ball, so the wobble was on. Sammy had left the DH at home, so Nigel got away with minimal humiliation. Meanwhile Tim & Rob repaired the damage and retired (Lachlan umpiring had other ideas, but his spiteful attempt to give Rob out was unsuccessful). Yes, we retired- section 4 of the Thursday night contract of engagement, stipulates, that "once a player reaches 25 runs, he shall retire at the end of that over". This avoids great players, like Tim & Rob, ruining the game by greedily scoring all the runs. We also spotted one of their fielders returning the ball with one foot over the boundary, but let it pass in accordance with section 1, namely "the game will be played by gentleman in the proper spirit of the occasion ". Lachie, still umpiring was now very angry with everybody, as he watched Piglet, Ben & Sammy all plunder the bowling, and generally enjoy themselves. Sammy retired, so that's 3 of us retired- did anyone notice that ? Just time for Swagger to chip in with a golden of his own, before we posted a good score of 157 off 20.


Al "got no trousers" Squires & Jonny "got no runs" Yaxley opened the bowling, and kept the squeeze on. Thompy, despite dropping a couple, eventually came good with 2 wickets, and Ed took a stunning catch on the boundary, prompting mass celebrations. Bat walked off, spectators told him Ed had stepped over the rope (sound familiar ?)- umpires looked spineless, bat came back- we accepted with good grace (see sect 1). Umpires asked to check if Berensfield's best had reached 25 yet (see sect 4) "Oh yes I'll check with the scorer " he replies. Nothing happens, so we continue "in the spirit of the game " and eventually get him out for 47- excuse me ? In the meantime Mr Grumpy is spotted with just a slight smile; his brother, threatening to puke all over the batsmens back, triggers an evasive, forward movement out of the crease, allowing a stumping. This clever trick is repeated twice more, and Lachie is now definitely smiling. Just to prove he can do it without Rob's help, he takes a cracking C&B to trump everyone's achievements, with 5 wickets. Happy Days !

Thanks to Timmy & Benny for helping us out -hope you enjoyed the scenery.

See you next week. Sorry can't get any pics to upload this week.

Captain Beaky missing !

Members of the public are warned not to approach this individual as he has the capability to bore a man to death with his nasal, droning drivel........................................................

So, we were all set to resume our annual hostilities with the man himself, only to be informed that he declined the offer to play this year and would not be appearing again in this fixture until we started being nice to him. So it looks like bye bye Beaky then!

We quickly got over the disappointment when we found out that alongside the old guard the team appeared to be packed with the gobbiest yoof that Wantage has to offer.
Mill Street won the toss and the fun began.

Jonny and Westy opened the bowling, both desperate to be the first to hit the brand new stumps.Probably trying too hard as Mill Street got off to a flyer with the milky bar kid carting the ball all over the place and retiring on 25 in the fifth over.

Bomber and Wilfy provided the amusement in the field, ably assisted by pretty much everyone else come to think of it as Mill Street racked up a pretty decent 145 for 6. Tompy was his new found economical self and Lachlan despite getting a bit of tap weighed in with 3 wickets. A special mention for the Landlord at this point who in spite of being on the lash all day still found the time to send Dave Templedoom flying into the shelving in the changing room.Nice assault sir!

Here we were then at the halfway point and obviously buoyed by their total, the yoof of Wantage started opening their pre-pubescent gobs. What they hadn't bargained for was Nigel who revelling in his role as the new wednesday night pinch-hitter hit his first ball for 6. Moreton got off to a flyer reaching 81 for 3 from the first 9 overs thanks in the main to the ex man mountain (more a man hillock now) Bomber and man of the match Wilfy. Wilfy only received his call up 45 minutes before the game and proved correct the old Moreton adage that no preparation is the best preparation. He flayed the ball to all corners of the ground in a fantastic exhibition of top quality slogging, going on to retire at 28 with only 2 singles in his total.
We still had time for a wobble with Jonny,Westy and Dave Templedoom mustering only 1 run between them (no need to go into details). However this was just to lull the little gobshites into a false sense of supremacy.
Our Thursday night team bats deeper than most and this was proved by Sammy and Tompy finally putting them to the sword and out of their collective misery with some more big hitting.This included a huge 6 over the pavilion from Tompy.

Then the most amazing thing happened. The constant earache that we had all been suffering from suddenly stopped as the little shits just shut up. You could almost hear a pin drop now, well you would have been able to if it weren't for all the loud raucous celebrating from the home team as we passed their total with 4 overs to spare.

So that is 7 out of 8 for us now and onto Dorchester next week.

Well done boys.

Captain Swagger

Where' the GOAT ?

Let's be honest, it had to end sometime soon. We've played poorly before, and got away with it, but this time Southfield & grandsons did us. I don't have a massive problem with that in itself, but I am fed up with the selfish attitude of one of our "regulars". When the shit hits the fan, we're in it together, and we collectively deal with it by blaming one person- the scapegoat. Wikipedia suggests:-

"Scapegoating is the singling out of an individual for negative treatment or blame; also known as a whipping boy or fall guy ". So, having lost, we all needed a spot of scapegoating, so it was utterly frustrating that the team scapegoat was absent. Jonny had informed us that Peter, over the course of the last week, had text through the following excuses for not playing.....

a) still had a sore arse after his triathalon on Sunday

b) that Grace was having her hair done

c) his children needed him to provide light entertainment & cook them fishfingers

d) he was taking a conference call from his business contacts

e) he was involved in a photo shoot for the latest MCC coaching manual

f) he had been commissioned to paint a picture

g) he was scared of a hard ball

Obviously only one of these excuses was really credible, but nevertheless, we were scapegoatless, whipping boyless & fall guyless, when it really mattered.

We bowled reasonably, fielded poorly, and had a target of 20 runs more than we should have allowed. Goat's replacement was Will Mac, a handy cricketer, on any day except a Thursday; his contribution of 0-23 and 4 runs was quite simply not up to scratch. He,Tim & Ed were all done for pace by someone who looked even older than Nigel. Jonny, Rob and Sam all batted really well, but TOP & Co had left them too much to do. It was left to Jonny to provide some late entertainment by felling Nigel who was umpiring at square leg, with a well timed shot, that Westy would have been very happy with. Sadly, he later made a full recovery, and was seen showing his bruises round the pub, which is not a pretty sight

Next week, Bomber, please, please say YES. Your team needs you !

Justice prevails..............

After last week's fiasco, when Blewbury failed to turn up because of a little bit of rain (I told them we should have played on their plastic wicket) Thursday night's team were keen to maintain their perfect start to the season. Tonight we hosted Aston (the one over near Wales) who not surprisingly thoroughly enjoy their bi-annual foray into civilisation, and they usually bring a strong team with them. Jonny got wind that they had a KP like allergy to left armers, so packed the team with these collectors items, including the rarely seen Joe "my cheque's in the post" Wardle. The intelligence proved accurate, and their openers comfort was rudely interrupted by lefties in the shape of Smithy & Thompy, who both bagged a brace of Astonites. Joe grabbed 3 for himself (he's a growing lad) including a tree felling yorker to rip out middle stump. Other fielding highlights included a special display, straight out of a manual, from a grizzle free Bomber, no doubt dedicated to all those spectators who had failed to get tickets to the men's Olympic shot putt final. Amazingly when you analyse Bomber's movement in super slo mo HD, it looks just the same as it does at "normal" speed- ugly.

King Sledge Yaxley persuaded his opposite number that he was indeed nervous, and should return immediately from whence he came. Josh "I'm an atheist"Slade got more invaluable experience in the field, and Rob did a great job behind the stumps as usual. Who haven't I mentioned.......... oh yes- Nigel's very personal, some would say spiteful & vindictive vendetta against Westy continues, as he refused to catch a dolly at square leg; hopefully he will never need the services of Blue Watch, who were on hand to witness this extraordinary spat.

So a target of 120 seemed straightforward, given that it was a Thursday and not a Wednesday.

Aston opened up with their own leftie in tandem with recently sacked ex-skipper Brummy "oi right mayt" Mark, and they managed to remove T.O.P consigning them to T.U.P* for the rest of the innings.Paddy walking in at 3 is a very reassuring sight for the batting team, but the scales were balanced by Bomber at 4. Such is his eloquence, that Bomber managed to talk his leg bye into a run in order to avoid the duck hat. Fortunately the stewards later convened in The Bear and righted this gross miscarriage of justice, so the records will show yet another duck for Bomber, and the good news is there's no right of appeal. The justice system in this country is rightly the envy of the world, and Bomber you should accept the court's decision with grace- I've heard she's happy with the decision anyway.
Sam & Paddy took the innings into calmer waters with some majestic batting, and Westy put Nigel out of his mind, to bat with clarity and authority, taking us to the brink of victory. Who would you expect to appear at the crease for the final act ? Yes Swagger popped up at this most opportune moment. With the scores level, one of the umpires tried to stop the fight early, but thankfully common sense prevailed and Jonny was allowed the chance to score the winning run; he selflessly rejected the chance by holing out to short mid wicket, allowing the tyrant Hessey to snatch the glory.

Next week: Southfield Supercalifragilisticexpialidociouis Stars for The Magnificent 7 ?

* U is for Umpiring - in case you cared