The Great Cornish Escape

Our roving reporter has sent in this match report-enjoy.......



A tatty looking bunch of gobby strangers turned up in Moreton today.People were worried, Gerald was notified, the village was put on red alert. However, the immediate concern turned out to be misplaced. These loudmouth larrikins were in fact a shambolic excuse for a cricket team that had been invited here by Fuzzy(only just paid my subs)Meldrew! Anyway onto the game. (Can I play Nigel, can I play) Steeno opened the innings with the in-form (soon to be disgraced) Bomber. It didn't take long for Bomber to prove that his 29 not out last week was an incredible stroke of luck as opposed to a new dawn, by the way he surrendered his wicket for 4 in a hapless fashion! In came Josh, 11 years old full of enthusiasm and what followed was something I hope I never ever see on a cricket field again. Josh was out second ball and to witness their their celebrations you would think that they had just dismissed Brian Lara/Sachin Tendulkar/Viv Richards/Will Macdonald (take your pick)! In came Wilfy, who never looked in trouble, making his early season form look like a distant nightmare. Steeno then played a shot that was more becoming of a little tiny girl the way he poofed the ball in the air to a gobshite fielder stood no more than 2 yards away! The next man in was the skipper Jonny who walked to the crease with a series of unimaginative Bill Bailey based comments ringing in his ears.Wilfy departed shortly afterwards, unlucky to be run out by a direct hit from the little gobby curly one. Out strode Wicksy (to some equally unimaginative long hair/beard based banter) and he and the skipper set about putting this ragtag outfit to the sword.
The scoreboard ticked along nicely and Mr Bean, Lanky Streak of Piss et al became more vociferous by the over, with the rain now taking centre stage there was just enough time for Jonny to drive the son of the ginger one from coronation street and the washing powder adverts over extra cover for 6. With the score a comfortable 71 for 4 we finally came in from the rain.
The rain break lasted approximately 2 pints then play resumed on a new look sticky pudding wicket. Runs were at a premium partly due to the state of the pitch and partly due to some accurate bowling from Mr Bean.Then what happened next defied belief!
Steeno who wouldn't know an LBW from a KFC raised his pointy little finger and Wicksy had to walk, given out by an officious little man to a ball so obviously going down the legside it wouldn't have hit another another set of stumps had they been there.With Jonny looking comfortable on 26 not out, Bomber, seemingly worried about being upstaged by his fellow umpire gave the skipper out LBW to a ball which hit him on the front leg which was so far down the wicket it was practically in the opposite popping crease, toys were thrown from the pram and words were exchanged!
Nigel and young Sam took the score past the hundred mark with the latter responding well to the somewhat inappropriate banter from Lanky Streak of Piss with a sweetly struck 4. At 104 for 6 from 16 overs the heavens opened again and ultimately the jollities were brought to a premature end.
This signalled a return to the pub for some much deserved liquid refreshment and the business of young Josh hustling the opposition wicketkeeper Michael (the term wicketkeeper being used in it's loosest form!) and turncoat guest star Dougie, out of a tenner in a catching competition. Bomber the umpire was caught accepting a drink from Lanky Streak of Piss (the bowler who benefited from his total lack of understanding of the LBW law) and as usual Steeno didn't join his team-mates for a drink!
Man of the Match : Lanky Streak of Piss (Olly) for his buttock/loin based sledging, his comedy fielding letting a ball straight through his legs for 4 and his all round entertainment!