Ou est Dave ?

sunday- arrive in Bordeaux, check into our rooms, which were clean, but hardly spacious; in fact if Nigel had brought his cat with him, he would not have been able to swing it, and already some members of the tour party were plotting how to avoid spending the night there. Tour blogging is usually easy- you just watch Bomber, and the rest takes care of itself. This year looked tougher, with plenty of candidates trying to provide material. We kicked off with a waterfight led by able fireman Westy, and there were some concerns that Dave might be a bit pissed. Luckily he had taken a photo of our hotel tram stop, so we were reassured that he wouldn't have a problem getting home........................


monday- no sign of Dave at breakfast, and the first divisions of the tour party were exposed. The "yes worries" group, clearly concerned for Dave, started phoning round hospitals, whilst the "no worries" faction carried on regardless, occasionally stopping to berate him for being so selfish. A trip to the beautiful St Emilion and a rake of Armagnacs calmed everyone, until the news we had all dreaded came through.........................Dave had been found alive. Stories were circulating of Dave swimming the Gironde and being rescued by a police helicopter, before being rushed to hospital- so Dave does have a fertile imagination after all.

Police sources later confirmed that a ginger haired twat was found trying to nick a euro out of a fountain, and was too drunk to climb out. Several passers by had been deterred from rescuing him when they saw an alarming, brightly coloured zit on his head, but as the city water supply was now at risk from the poison, police had no choice but to step in, and pull him out. A very angry police spokesman said Bordeaux police were very pissed off with Monsieur Dive Simpleman, as they now had wet socks, and they would be sending him a large bill.

Dive met us at a vineyard later with hospital instructions in French, which fortunately Ed was able to translate, " do not let the patient dry out too quickly"- thus Dive's health was made a priority for the rest of the day. Percy declared this " the besht day ever, ever in thirty four years of touring". Jaques Oh was overjoyed at the copious amounts of duck made available to us, saying it was his second best day on tour ever. Returning to the city, we made an unsceduled stop for a senior tourist, and he repeated the feat at what is now known as "techno corner" by turning himself inside out in spectacular style. Percy thought local planners might reject his choice of hues for the pavement grout, but we were reassured that they would tone down eventually . I'm pretty sure the next 24 hours will be uneventful- check back later to see if I'm right.