A Tourists Diary

First a little background info for anyone unfamiliar :-

The Players......

Kaz Miles- Clubbing Captain & Hoover salesman- aka "cone head"-someone please paste in the photo.
Mike Howat-President's son, Cambridge Blue, stand in Captain when Kaz has a hangover.
Mike Stimpson- aka "Squeak" (why ?) -useful chap to have in the team if you want to know about local property prices.
Percy Stimpson- currently a Vice President of the club, but not for long according to Gerald- it was a typo !
Nigel Hessey- aka "Shandy"- stalwart of the club and team physio, with the newest pads in the team.
Steve Crompton- aka "Crompo"-hails from Bristol, but we won't hold it against him, if he brings the Beefeater Gin he promised.
Simon Claridge- larger than life software salesman, with the banter to match-farts like a hippo in a fish tank.
Tim Haworth- Landlord of The Bear (Pub of the Year in South Oxfordshire)- snores like a wart hog in a phone box-apparently.
Johnny Yaxley- Midweek Captain, & Hairy Landscape Gardener -aka "Swagger"
Will Macdonald- Scruffy youth-talented sledger, bat & Johnny's Bitch
Peter Lancaster- aka "Bomber" -retired artist, supported by his wife while he tries to get established as a F1 driver
Matt Wicks- Guardian reading, sandal wearing, beardie, electrical wholesaler. Recently voted best fielder in South England by an online poll.

Supporting Cast-cameo performances from....

Gerald & Anne Howat- "The Doctors"- The President pops up on tour to check standards are not slipping, and usually leaves disappointed.
Alf Crompton- Steve's Old Man- though they actually look the same age. Has finally retired as Kitty man-apparently the introduction of a new£20 note was the final straw.
George Foreman- retired boxer & grill salesman, now Night Manager at The Ramada in Brighton. Likes nothing better than a good party in the hotel bar after a few Campari + grapefruits.



The Venues......

Ramada Jarvis Hotel, Brighton Seafront Hotel, home to the touring team, apart from 2 Pennypinchers who stayed in St Christopher's Hospice, down the road, sharing a room with a corpse to save money.
Plumpton Agricultural College-re-branded as a Centre for Rural Based Studies, but still a cow field in the middle of nowhere, by any other name.
Newick CC- smart ground in rural Sussex with large pavilion, club bar, electronic scoreboard, & its own ASBO Shelter for the local hooligans

Day 1-Wednesday11th July.

Left late due to Simon Claridge shopping for tiles at B & Q. Bomber's car, surprisingly spacious. First row after 5 minutes, about best way onto M4. Bomber insists on going via every BP garage to get his nectar points; apparently he only has to spend another £15,000 on fuel to get enough points to get his coveted hedgetrimmer. Matt reads The Guardian, Tim reads a pub trade paper, Simon farts & picks his nose, Bomber "floors it" to Reading Services. We overdose on Jelly Babies, and get overtaken on the M25 by Kaz, Johnny & Will, who left 6 hours after us. We book in to our Hotel- Kaz bags the best room- the view from the toilet is "to die for".

A quick lunch at The Half Moon is next on the agenda. A fair enough pub, in the sticks, full of wrinklies, who have time on their hands, and rather surprisingly, a picture of Ernie Collins on the wall. We order Ham Baguettes with chips, 'cos this will be quickest ? Bomber's chips vanish between kitchen & table, and another row ensues. We arrive at the ground rather late, to find Gerald has already pacified the opposition, by giving them all signed copies of his books. He briefs us all on the high standards of the club, as we all open bottles of Becks with a rusty screwdriver. Nige donates himself to Southwick, who look amazingly grateful; ignorance really is bliss ! Simon's method of organising matches bites him the arse, as it appears another team are waiting for us, in another cow field over the downs; Simon tells them they should field first, and we'll be there in a jiffy. Meanwhile we knock over Southwick for a modest 119, with Percy starring big time with 5 for 9 in 3 overs- his bowling was seriously unbelievable. The old pros caution us that with the outfield being so slow, it might be tougher than we think. Squeak, Tim, & Kaz ignore the advice, and get out trying to smash the ball around, and it's left to Mikey & Willy to steady the ship, before the Gardeners nip in and take the glory, hitting the winning runs with at least an over to spare.

Man of the match -Percy "paceman" Stimpson for his fifor. His name has been scratched on the Southwick honours board, which doubles as a pig pen in Winter.
Highlight of the Match- Nigel getting a duck for the opposition- he's starting to fret that his new pads maybe unlucky, as this is his 4th consecutive duck since he bought them.

Return to the seaside via the Half Moon, who are still trying to fulfil their lunchtime orders; luckily a couple of customers have died in the interim, so the waiting list is shrinking. Freshen up, and head into "town" for a curry. The "crusties" get us banned from one pub, by looking menacing, but we eventually settle for a few in the aptly named "Victory", before hitting the curry house, where Bomber notched up a personal best, eating everyones left overs. After being refused entry to several clubs, for being too old, Johnny decided he would have to entertain us by throwing himself into the sea, fully clothed. The Hospice 2 accompanied Will & Kaz to a club, and for the rest of us, the hotel bar now beckoned, with its global reputation as "the bar that never closes until the last guest leaves" we were confident of a good finish to the day. We were therefore rather surprised to find it closed, and guarded by George, the duty manager. After a 20 minute row he grudgingly served us some drinks, and attempted to exact revenge for us disturbing his evening, by asking £8.55 for a Campari. Naturally he was told to F@@k off. At this point Nige notched up a PB, this being the latest he has ever stayed up; unfortunately he had taken his pads off by now, so the chances of it reversing his ill fortune seemed slim. Johnny & Tim decided to continue "George baiting" by staying up, and ordering some more drinks; George retaliated by insisting that TV with no sound still might keep other guests awake !


To be continued next time I'm bored................

read the next installment to find out how Bomber "dropped the tour" & George's next move in his battle with the infidel customers. Did Nige get any runs with his unlucky pads ? - all exclusively online in Moreton Midweek.