"Ouch" !

A hastily re-arranged home fixture, moved from Blewbury, when they discovered their star player didn't have enough fuel to reach their pavilion. Thompy's PA neglected to inform him of this change, and he narrowly avoided arrest at Blewbury, who were hosting a Juniors match, and don't take kindly to "lairy gingers" barging into a dressing room of kids.

Further delays whilst Blewbury introduced themselves to each other; one of them even thought we were his team mates ! They seemed more than happy that Aravinda de Silva had "signed up" under the recent twinning arrangements between Colombo and Blewbury, and was making his club debut. The threat of Moreton Midweek is in fact taken so seriously that they fielded several first team players, appointed 3 captains, and then tried to disguise the team as "moderate" with a sprinkling of Saga members.

They even insisted on spinning the coin, as if they were the hosts, and Moreton decided to bat first. Wicksey is in a rich vein of form, providing the day has a "Thurs" in it, which luckily it did, so he retired unbeaten. Jonny & Stuart looked deceptively good, and scored well, but it was left to Sammy to show us how it's done with a fine knock including 2 sixes into the pavilion; one rather fortunately caught by a fielder wearing oversized boots that just touched the boundary. The quest for sex six by Templedoom continues, and to be honest he didn't look any more likely to succeed this week, than he has for the last 5 years. Never mind he's in the team for his bowling, fielding, comic value with Bomber seemingly unavailable for this key role, now that he's concentrating on his picture framing business. 131 seemed a fair, if not great score, and we left the Blewbury captains trying to sort out a batting order with their new found friends.

New member Wayne opened the bowling, and showed plenty of flair for the job, and when his mate, "Gardener to the stars", Howard joined him, we wondered why Swagger was holding himself back ? Howard in fact enjoyed good success with 3 wickets, as did Thompy. Howard must owe a lemonade to 'Gus MacGregor who took a corking catch at fine leg, just as his Dad looked away to check the Aussie Rules scores. Josh's strike rate is an impressive 50% when fielding, and this week it featured 2 drops and 1 "decline" from the 6 misses the team collectively managed. Sammy dropped a straight forward catch from Aravinda before he got going, and this cost us dear. Dave dropped a much harder chance, so can't really be blamed, whilst Jonny spilled a sharp C & B and was so angry with himself that he headbutted the ground in frustration. Unfortunately someone had raked up all the grass cuttings from the previous week, so the anticipated "cushion"  was not there, and surprisingly his hair failed to soften the impact either.

Following recent changes to Moreton safety guidelines, his Mother was contacted, he was told to take a week off work, and he may have to bowl in a helmet next week to protect himself from further self- injury. Bowling honours went to Sammy, who although he lost the match, by dropping Aravinda, still came up with four wickets and 8 sorrys.

Next week FCC-so we might see some familiar faces- or we might not !

I need a brand new combine harvester........

With silage costs approaching £100/ ton this summer, Moreton CC have stumbled upon a lucrative income stream this year, and the grass is certainly greener on this side of the Rec.

The players were not deterred however, and managed to wade through the hayfield and a competitive game of cricket v The Wurzels Aston  ensued. Batting first Aston were soon in trouble thanks to some good bowling from Jonny, Westy, Dave, and Howard; unfortunately Sammy fared less well. The fielding looked pretty sharp too, with Lockey diving all over the place and coming up with 4 catches, whilst Charlie got his enjoyment by inserting his head in a bush. "Jonny discusses with the umpire" is now a regular slot on a Thursday evening, giving us all a great insight into the pros & cons of their decisions. Ed took a great catch on the boundary with minimum fuss, Howard didn't, meanwhile Josh showed off his newly acquired skills with accomplished fielding, and Lucy threw herself at everything that came her way, no doubt reassured by the cushion of grass cuttings that surrounded her. All in all a great fielding effort to restrict them to 104 off 20.

A confident pair of openers approached the middle, but this was soon exposed as totally misplaced by a bowler called Oli Squires. Where was the real Oli Squires, as this impostor was really quite annoyingly skillful ? Tim had noted the variable bounce as he went out to bat, and it was still fresh in his mind as he wandered back a couple of minutes later with a golden duck ! Ed soon followed, and with Josh & Charlie also succumbing, we were a precarious 7 for 4 off 5 overs ! Wicksey steadied the sinking ship with a defiant, unbeaten knock, but our run scoring skills went a.w.o.l, and defeat was inevitable. At least some light relief was provided by Jonny "Golden Duck" Yaxley,  Dave "I have never hit a 6" Templeman, and Howard "it's this easy to hit a 6" Edwards. An enjoyable game nevertheless, and "must do better" springs to mind for next weeks trip to our great friends Blewbury. Tim Wigley is offering lifts there in his Range Rover by the way.

Willkommen zurück...... Miele

I love the fixture with Miele, mainly because it's a great opportunity to dust off the war time stereotypes about the Germans. To be fair, they rarely field any Krauts  Germans, as they are far too serious to play such a frivolous game as cricket. So the days of  playing against a Teutonic XI of blond & blue eyed youth, have long gone; mind you we are always wary of any Italian or Japanese allies who may turn up to assist their quest for world domination in the white handkerchief goods market.....

Kommander Baz conquered the toss, and issued orders for us to bat first. He swapped his usual cap for a natty orange one-no doubt trying to go undercover with the Dutch look- as if that would fool us !

 

Tim & Dave  looked relaxed despite the recent trauma of that run out. Dave decided strike deprivation would be the best option, and accelerated to 14 whilst Tim stood and observed, until Dave failed to pick the U boat ball from Barry. This brought in Sir Francis, who was under pressure after his disgraceful performance against FCC. More used to fighting the Spanish, this was an unfamiliar foe for the Sea Lord, but he stepped up in style and blitzed an unbeaten 25. Tim was shot down for 23, and the skipper swaggered in, scratched around for a bit (too long in some people's view) before being put out of his misery by the Swiss "neutral" umpire. Said umpire fell cheaply, as did Thompy, so it was left to Wicksy to give a masterclass in stroke play as he raced to 32; obviously living off PoW rations of just half a grain of rice and a cup of water suits him perfectly. 128 was only a par score for the wicket, and we did look short on bowlers....in fact we were short of a bowler who failed to turn up- DAN (note to self- check on possible German ancestors).

Jonny & Templedoom bowled tidily, keeping the run rate down nicely, and Doom actually bagged 3 wickets......somehow.  Thompy even took a good catch, which we now know was an aberration, and everything seemed under control, with the only excitement being when Rickart Schmidt from credit control broke his bat in half for not obeying orders. Lucy demonstrated great fielding skills on the boundary, Josh didn't (must remember to check who coaches him... ), and Angus tried to repeat his tactic of bowling out of the sun, but the Germans have come across this tactic before and both pilots bats survived the uber overs with ease.

Herr Turncoat Thompy bowled possibly the worst spell ever witnessed in peacetime, with at least 5 leg side deliveries per over, and his loyalties will be seriously questioned, when he returns from his holiday in Berlin, as he put Miele back on track for an unlikely Endsieg *. There's a suspicion that he's after an exclusive contract with Miele to install their washing machines in Didcot; if this turns out to be true, then we'll need to invest in a decent hoover to pick up what's left of him- post interrogation............................................

Chuchillian speeches from Jonny, and a good over each from Dave & Howard ensured the game wouldn't go to penalties, and another epic victory can be written into the history books. VM day was celebrated long into the night in the pub. Rule Britannia !

* Adolf used 'Endsieg' in his book "Mein Kampf & other animals" to mean final victory

We're back for a 7th year !!!

Yes-The Moreton Midweek Blog started back in 2007- intent on bringing a little light relief to the serious game we know as cricket; if you are squeamish, sensitive, easily offended, or called Simon, then it's really better that you stop reading now.

With a miserable winter now behind us, Thursday nights have never looked so good, and the Midweekers assembled in good time to play The Range Rover Owners CC. This is a rebranded fixture against the team formerly known as The Footballers CC; Since their skipper purchased a Range Rover, the total number of Range Rover owners now exceeds the number of "Footballers" in the team, hence the more "accurate" description. We were of course, all looking forward to  hitting seeing the aforementioned vehicle, but sadly it had to remain in the drive at home. The newly introduced "match tax" on visiting teams had caused cash flow problems for Piglet, and he was unable to fill the vehicle up with fuel, and with a strong Siberian headwind to drive into, half a tank of unleaded was never going to be enough to get him to the match and back home again.

RROCC , in their eagerness to enjoy the last of the evening rays, chose to bat first. This proved a poor decision. In their quest for the "mahogany" look, they failed to consider the aerial bombardment tactic, and sure enough young Angus blitzed their top order with a well executed plan. Sadly his Dad was running late and missed the boy's great spell. New recruit Dan bowled well, without much luck, whilst another debutant Wayne stormed in with 3 wickets to share the bowling honours with Angus. Meanwhile aspiring country gent Howard kicked his heels at cow corner, realising that as a self appointed number 11, his contribution to the match was going to be minimal as Jonny continued to ignore his highly suggestive,whirling arms. Sir Francis got bollocked twice for sloppy fielding, but he knew he would get his chance later to redeem himself, batting at no 3. Final "fielding" mention goes to Rhod, who bowled professionally as always, and kept a lid on their 2 best bats, ensuring a modest target for us of just 86 to win.

In Ed's absence, Dave "the pilot" Powell got the plum job of opening with The Landlord. I have always held pilots in high regard; their ability to make quick decisions under pressure, whilst accurately gauging distance and speeds puts them in the higher echelons of skilled operators. Then I met Dave !

I trust he will never have a dialogue with Air Traffic Control along the lines of " YES, yes, yes... err NO....Shit ... Sorry ! " Even I, with my renowned sprint speed, was unable to get back before Thompy apologetically removed the bails. Anyway Sir Francis the Redeemer was next in, so all was not lost; ....actually for him it was, as he got a duck to compound a bad day at the office. Thankfully Dave, Rhod & Jonny kept calm and dispatched some pretty ropey bowling to ensure a comfortable first win of the season. With food laid on at the pub to accompany the beer and post match discussions- (who put Angus in their Fantasy Cricket team ?)- it's good to be back !

A day of rest...................Amsterdam pt 3

No cricket today, so another normal day for Jacko & Deno, but a great chance to unwind & relax for the rest of us, which of course we spurned. The only plan, was to meet Rich at 4pm to go for a tour round Amsterdam in his boat, have a few quiet beers, and mix with the locals. How best to prepare for this kind & generous offer made by our host ?  I know, lets consume lots of  beer..........then buy another 300 euros of beer to take on the boat, just to make sure we all thoroughly relax-target achieved, although actually Templedoom seemed a bit edgy getting on the boat for some strange reason.

You can clearly see Dave here in the "brace" position, as if he is expecting something to happen........

Now Dave reckons he's unlucky, but today the God of Ginger Hair was smiling down on him, as he was odds on to be first into the canal as we set off, but events took a strange twist,when an uninvited guest boarded our boat. This guy was holding his own until he mentioned the "W" word. A quick verification followed, that his home town was indeed Cardiff, and he somehow found his way into the Prinsengracht canal; the shock of cold water forced his mouth wide open in timely fashion, allowing a deluge of dirty fluid down the throat, and it didn't cost him a guilder.
We left the boat on a high, but one of our party, who can't be named for legal reasons,

Openbare Dronkenschap

felt we needed a spot more entertainment. His half hearted attempt to pinch a bike, followed by an exchange of views with a Dutch motorcycle policewoman, resulted in an emphatic victory for the police, and the rest of the touring party were suitably amused. He was last seen being driven off by these two,

 for a good seeing to in the cells. Having promised him we would get his passport and pay his fine asap, we retired to the nearest bar to reconsider his fate.

A few hours later, Openbare Dronkenschap was back with his friends and just 150 euros poorer for the experience. Not content with his days work, he then smashed a glass on the floor, took his flip flops off, stood on the glass, and cut his foot

Dick Heads foot

We ended the day at kitschy Cafe Nol, a hang out for the coolest people in Amsterdam, so naturally Openbare Dronkenschap wasn't invited. We departed in the early hours with our P2 W2 record intact.

Amsterdam part 2

With a win under our belt, and something else under Sammy's belt, we looked forward to visiting "the prettiest ground in Holland" at Bloemendaal. We were told to be on our best behaviour because Harrow School were playing a serious game against the Dutch Lions at the same time. Sure enough, we were impressed with the pretty ground and posh pavilion,

but then sadly were told to bugger off to a nearby cowfield and leave it to the pros. Harrow schoolboys looked quite mature for their years, and had coincedentally, all been on holiday to India recently, but we left them to their fate against a highly tuned Dutch team. Once the cows had been evicted, our ground actually looked OK, and the hosts were friendly, but confusion reigned when we discovered half the team were called Bart.
A quaint "John Harrison" scoreboard & a small garden shed were the extent of the facilities. The introduction of the Moreton megaphone livened things up a little, and some of the initial friendliness seemed to evaporate

Moreton batted first. Jonny "thanks for turning up" Yaxley looked in fine fettle after 27 hours sleep (so he should), and he opened with Co-Tour Manager Nic "thanks for turning the right way" Cross.

Sedate progress, with Rob getting a second duck, runs from Will (top score= proud parents), Fletch & Kaz did well too, but we meandered to a total of 130 off 30 overs, which quite frankly did not look enough. Return to posh pavilion for tea- well actually a plum tomato to share, and watch Harrow underperforming; it transpires that this is a Harrow Tandori 2nd XI and not the famous school team, which explains their apparent incomptetance. Moreton bowl well, with Fletch rising to the top with 4 wickets, and Rob "snaffling" 3 behind the stumps. Lots of useful contributions all round, mean Bart's team fall just short with 121. Played 2 won 2 is sweet.

A great curry followed- wonder why they chose that ? Anyway, it went down a treat, as did the chilli fines afterwards. Thanks to BCC for hosting another entertaining day.

Can you spot (1) the gay umpire, and (2) Sammy's travelling condom bag?

Amsterdam Tour Report 2012 part 1

"Meet at The Beat at midnight" were the extensive tour "joining instructions". A 3 hour wait for the coach was filled with a game of poker. Luckily the coach arrived before anybody had won, so our kitty was off and running. First fine incurred by Kaz for being 3 hours late; 10 Euros per hour = 40 Euros if you don't have the correct money. Fly, train and walk to our "hotel". Our warm up routine includes a ketchup fight outside the hotel, follwed by a warm down in the Glasshopper pub, before taking train to Amsterdam CC. Jonny & Templedoom opt out, because they are tired, or maybe they know something we don't-anyway it's another fine of course, and the revenue streams for the kitty are coming along nicely. Nic had already purchased the I Spy book of Dutch cricket clubs, and this seemed too good an opportunity to let pass. We found VRA, VVCC, XYZ CC and I'm sure we even caught a glimpse of Lords at one point. Our hosts kindly rounded us all up, took us to the correct club, and the 15 over game started about an hour late. Having been up for 36 hours, of which 24 were spent drinking, expectation was pitched at a reasonably low level. Tim & Percy van Persie opened, but PvP was soon exposed for lack of fitness, and run out. Will & Rob managed Ducks, once again disappointing their respective parents, and it was left to Tim (33*) & Fletch(27*) whose parents are both very proud, to restore some order, and we finished on 109. Deno took to umpiring, like a duck to the fast lane of the M4, and our bowlers were always in control, except Will "wide boy" Macdonald, who was unable to raise his game to the high levels Bryan, and his parents, expect. Sammy took 3 wickets, and Bryan and Kaz both took 2,with special mention to Tebsy for his good spell-for an amateur. The Landlord managed to spill his beer & faceplant the turf, in a vain attempt to catch Marvin; but at least it woke Jacko up ! Amsterdam fell short with just 91 scored in their 15 overs. To be quite honest, they will never have a better chance to beat us, and this has to go down as a "shocker" for them.

We are now back in Amsterdam, entering the red light district, and I must ask Paul & Sheila Smith to kindly log off, and rejoin us in the morning. Sammy starts with a recce to evaluate the merchandise, which seemed a reasonable idea, but after 3 circuits, the observers were getting restless, and tell him to stop looking for Anne Frank. Finally the boy makes his decision- (Sheila I told you to turn off your computer) and selects Juliet to receive his offering. " How much art thou Juliet ?" This time, in his excitement, he pays the full amount requested, but his error is rectified for later transactions. Juliet turns out too be a bit of a sweety, and gives Sammy a loyalty card for future visits, and promises to write to his parents to congratulate them.  The longest day ends with more drinking & revelry, before retiring to our luxury hotel suites for what was left of the night.

Landlord 44 Plumber -12

Blewbury again this week, thinly disguised as footballers, and bolstered (??) with the addition of David "Traitorelli" Templedoom & I'vehadashitweek "Turncoat" Thompson. We also thought we had the luxury of a professional scorer in the scorebox, but at least Nic generously stepped up, when he failed to show.

Moreton fielded first, and we were treated to more verbal gems from Blewbury's very own D.Uracell- "push it" springs to mind, but unluckily he failed to take his own advice and was soon out. Six bowlers were used, and they shared the spoils fairly evenly, and some astute bowling changes from Swagger kept us in the game, when at one stage Blewbury looked like racking up a big one. Thompy, who if he had an office, would certainly be having a bad week in it, compounded his problems by holing out to a fair catch at deep mid wicket for a duck. Chris batted well for the footballers, and amazingly he is actually a footballer, so credit where it's due. Tebsey, despite being mistaken for Bomber, certainly didn't bowl like him, CC2 turned in solid performance, watched by his coach CC4,  Mark "Sir Francis" Drake bagged 2 on his bowling debut, and the ever dependable "Ees"- Jonny, Sammy & Westy picked up 2 each to cramp the footballers style to such an extent that we really fancied chasing down their total of 118. Fine work behind the timber from CC1, including a slick stumping. Special mention for Tebs senior, who battled on in the field, despite a groin injury, even waving away the vets with green screens at one point.

T.O.P strode out with purpose, but Ed soon felt he had done enough, and headed off for a beer. Wicksey, the Moreton style icon, looked good (of course he did) for a little bit, but oh how Thompy must rue his dropped catch, as Tim started to find the middle of the goose.  As things stand, Thompy's wife to be will be arriving at her wedding in his van,

so maybe he's a bit distracted, but even his shoulder charge of a firm shot, to save a boundary, failed to cover up an absolute shocker for him, as he generally misfielded, misfired, and missed out. Bomber arrived at the wicket, asking lots of questions as usual- "Which way is it seaming ?" " Is it turning ? " "Does my bum look big in this ?"  All rather academic as he took an ugly swipe to a straight one, missed, and returned his large arse to the pavilion. The "Ees" could not contribute with the bat as well as they did with the ball, but luckily Rob was in good touch, and joined Tim on retirees row. The Tebs's came and went, and as we edged nervously towards the target, Tim returned to join Sir Francis for the last 2 overs. Tim, as the senior player took control, and a couple of boundaries eased the pressure. Into the last over, and a single levelled the score, leaving Sir Francis on strike, and an imposing Armada of fielders trying to stop the one run we needed. Tim's advice of "If I say run...." seemed sensible, but Mark had other ideas, and cooly smashed it over their heads for a boundary to cap a great game for him, and for Moreton, and even for the footballers, but definitely not for poor old Thompy.

Next week it's Aston, and we have a new "old" skipper, as Jonny is trying to singlehandedly rescue the Spanish economy. Check your inbox for an email from Ed.

Comfort Blankets v Duathelete ( international challenge)

Blewbury made the epic journey to North Moreton, leaving their beloved plastic pitch behind, but were so far out of their comfort zone, that they felt compelled to bring a couple of  their "stars" to act as a comfort blanket. Apart from this slightly rude behaviour, they acted in exemplary fashion, playing the game in the right spirit, and to be fair, we did field an international duathalete in our team (not that you would have noticed)

Moreton batted first with Wicksy returning from Africa to open the batting with Tim, and both prospered with unbeaten knocks of 25 & 27 respectively. A slowing of the run rate followed, but with the duathalete next in, anything was possible..............................................but sadly, a touch of housewife's knee meant it was not to be today.

 one of the above is an international duathalete with housewife's knee- can you spot who it is ?

This put pressure back on the later batsmen, with Thompy & Sammy responding to the challenge to push us past 100. 108 did not feel enough, but we started positively enough with skipper Jonny on fire, picking up 4 wickets. With Blewbury reeling on 16 for 6, we needed to go in for the kill, but we were aware that their stars were still to bat. Wicksy has recovered from Malaria and a whole host of  other tropical diseases, but the grizzle shoulder is still persisting, preventing him from bowling. Davey T , Dave T, Josh, Simon, Thompy and Smithy all stepped up to the mark, with varying degrees of success, but the game was actually lost when 2 key catches were shelled- hard chances both, so I won't be naming them, but Sammy & Wicksy know who they are. The Barrett barrage of Bear Lane luckily didn't cost the club a small fortune, as he narrowly missed a window and a car, but Blewbury ultimately coasted in, thanks to their comfort blankets.
Final mention to Mark & David who performed admirably on debut, and certainly did not look out of place- well done Bomber for making them look so good !

Next week the footballers aka Blewbury will be here. Watch out for a couple of turncoats...............

Played 1 Won 2

A belated first game of the season for the Thursday night team, played here at The Croft, on a Friday- naturally. When Jonny moved the game to a friday, he must have been privy to a long range weather forecast suggesting it would eventually stop raining 36 days after the hosepipe ban came into force. Inter Allsorts were the intended victim, and Jonny was initially faced with a selection dilemna when 15 people wanted to play. Thankfully he was spared having to tell Bomber he was dropped, as Bomber pulled out with "housewives knee" earlier in the day. Nigel succumbed to cat flu, and with some natural wastage, we achieved a "perfect" 11. After so much rain it was important to adjust to the conditions, and for IA this initially meant they should stop asking where the goalposts were. We agreed a test match format of 2 innings per team, and IA, although they seemed to have some players with performance enhancing gizmos on their ankles, only scored 22 in their first effort, which they seemed quite pleased with, until they were reminded about the lack of goalposts. Jonny led from the front with 3 wickets, but star performer was Simon with a hatrick and 4 wickets from his 2 overs- rumour is that he's a shoe in for the National Village team now. Tebsy took a wicket on debut too which alone was worth his annual membership fee.

So deeply unimpressed werre Moreton with the target of 22, that they declared their first innings without bothering to go out, thus asking IA to bat again with a lead of just 22. A few new bowlers, encouraged by the opportunity to gain valuable fantasy cricket points, stepped up to the crease, and Dave T picked up a couple, and even The Landlord bagged a "collectors item" wicket. IA managed 34 at the second attempt, with one of their players having the dubious distinction of getting out 3 times in the evening.

So a target of 57 to win was set, and the big guns stepped out for Moreton; both were dropped early, and whilst Ed perished soon after, Tim eventually conjured some runs from his Mongoose, top scoring with 17. Ashton couldn't contain himself, with such an easy opportunity to cash in on some mediocre bowling, and he duly got himself a duck. Simon looked quite relaxed at the crease, and even found time to send a mass email whilst at the wicket, telling everyone how good viagra is for him. It was left to Jonny & Kaz to calmly finish off the thrashing-both undefeated in double figures.

The new scoreboard coped well with the flurry of wickets, but, of course, we still don't know if it will register 3 figures.

Next week Cuxham away

Tim is TOPS !

The Tappin Cup is a keenly fought, high octane, T20 game, played within Moreton CC. It has been used by many players over the years to launch their retirement, and is always one of the highlights of the cricketing calendar; well it was for Mr Tappin ! This year the 2 captains were both part of the incredible T.O.P- Tim & Ed, but how would they fare on opposing teams ? Each time is allowed 1 overseas player, and Eton educated Ed, opted for Aussie import Uncle Tone. Flown in to help Rowan with his all important plum tomato harvest, Tony is always up for a game of cricket, but unfortunately this one coincided with yet another failed attempt to emulate David Boon on the flight over here. Boonies record of 52 beers looks pretty safe, but UT felt obliged to give it a "tickle", and his PR office later put this forward as an excuse for his efforts. Big Ian once played for Sussex u16's, but fortunately nobody else knew that, and he joined Tim's XI "under the radar". The rest of the team selections were made in true playground fashion, with the weakest, and least capable being left to the end. On this occasion, it was a genuine mistake that Nige was left until last as we really hadn't seen him come out of the pavilion

Batting first, Tim's Team got off to a flyer, thanks to their skipper, who retired on 33. Nic scored quickly, and Rob also retired looking in good form, but the rest of the team were woeful, and from a strong start were disappointingly 99 for 7. BI was cunningly placed at no 10 to bat with the retirees, and his response was to run out the first one ! However he quickly redeemed himself with an unbeaten 51 to match Rob's equally impressive half century, and a massive 75 run partnership for the last wicket, boosted TT's score to a challenging 174. Special mention for Ed, who caught out his youngest, but despicable behaviour from Swagger, who caught his girlfriend, and celebrated wildly- surely that's not cricket ? UT did bowl some nice "rippers" from the Bear end to briefly enhance his reputation, but Ollie, who couldn't miss the stumps when fielding, decided to bowl some gay leg breaks for his over, most of which ended up near Wallingford.

In reply Ed led from the front, well supported by Swagger- with them both retired, and with a hefty middle order to follow, they were rightly confident of making a bit of a show. BI had other ideas, and sent Lachlan, Charlie and Bomber back to the pavilion cheaply. Never mind UT walks in, and with a Sheila bowling at him- well- fair dinkum fellah, you can't fail here can you ? Nicky has only been playing cricket for a few weeks, but she immediately sensed the fear in UT as he tapped nervously at the crease. All she had to do was bowl straight and full, and the chirpy Aussie was done for; and so it happened......another Australian cricket failure dumped on his backside.
The returning batsmen were dealt with efficiently and quickly to secure a massive 50 run victory for The Landlord's team.
Here you can see Ed being quite gracious afterwards in The Bear as he prepares to hand over the trophy to the better captain, whilst his wife laughs at his bald patch from behind.

Meanwhile Nicky gives Tony a small bottle of, appropriately, cheap & nasty fizz for his flight home to Brisbane.

Thanks to you all for turning out- a jolly good time was had by all.

Your Country needed you !

Where were you ? You know who you are ! Moreton midweek were facing a German invasion force, and needed every man to stand up and fight for freedom, democracy & English beer.

The list of excuses included:-

Westy: "I'm putting fires out" - well fair enough-carry on- good job

Simon- "I'm watching my daughter's play"- pretty lame, but hardly News of the world headlines.

Bomber- "Nappy needs changing"- shit excuse.

Robbo-"My Mum has sent me on a cookery course"- are you serious ? Blokes don't cook. OK you're part Aussie so you can BBQ, but really not happy that you are poncing around with Delia & Nigella when you should be helping your mates.

Panzers, U boats, Luftwaffe, all heading this way and you're making a nut salad in Surrey.

I digress, Miele suffered a heavy defeat here earlier in the year, and their new recession busting tactic was to head hunt hoover salesmen who can play cricket. They even went to some lengths to disguise one of them as a golfer, in an attempt to fool us.
Moreton batted first, TOP functioned for the first time with a 30+ partnership, but then it all went wrong, with Rory wreaking havoc. Lachlan & Swagger managed to avoid enemy fire completely by getting Ducks, and it was left to a late flourish from Joe & Nige, to salvage some credibility from the situation.107 scored from 20

Captain Swagger looked shell shocked in the break, but he managed to rally the troops in true "blitz" style, singing The White Cliffs of Dover, and calling Nigel "you stupid boy"

Thompy, Smithy, & Joe all got a couple of wickets to keep us in the game, and Stu kept wicket so well that we forgot all about Fanny Craddock. However, Rory was waiting in the wings, and popped up again to sink us. Of course they will all be sacked, as soon as the cricket season finishes, and Miele revert to their core business of flogging hoovers.

Next week Tappin Cup. Every Man, Woman & Child please

Hip Hip......

Our 10th game of the season saw the return of some familiar, but recently absent, faces to the "almost all conquering" midweek XI.

Simon C has recently moved house, changed job (nothing new there) and squeezed in a new hip- how would this affect his cricket ?

Stuart Locke has finished Uni, is restarting Uni and wants to be our keeper- how would Rob, our incumbent, deal with the usurper ?

Peter " gotta new kitchen" Lancaster is of course a semi-regular midweeker, when mannying duties allow- but would it be "grizzle Bomb" or "mega Bomb" tonight ?


Question 2-answered firmly by Rob who arrived at the pavilion at 4pm to hide the keepers gloves and put on his pads.

Question 3-will never be answered, as any moment of Bomber genius is nearly always followed by Bomber clowning around like a half wit.

Question 1-he certainly seemed to be moving OK in the field- all his usual movement restored- namely hand to pocket to blackberry - return to pocket and... relax. His physio has worked intensively on this most important aspect of Simon's game, and we were thrilled to see it in operation again. Simon admitted that he hadn't chosen the full options package that included all moving parts in his hip, so the true test was yet to come. I'm also worried about that shock absorber thingy Si- I think you should have forked out for a heavy duty upgrade. So, on with the game...

We fielded first with Jonny & Westy looking good, but Aston made a steady start to take the early initiative. Jonny played his spin cards, Thompy, Lachlan & Simon with great results, including 3 wickets for "Hippy" dropping them out of the sun off a short walk up. Lachlan bowled well, but no fifor this week, and Thompy chipped in with 2 for himself. 4th choice spinner Smithy looked slightly peeved, but still found time to apologise and take 2 wickets. It was noted that their imported player, who doesn't even know where Aston nr Bampton is, experienced some misfortune with "the hand of Rob" intervening nicely. Bet Stu couldn't have done that. Target 125- par score- game on.

It's well documented that TOP has not functioned to its usual high standards recently, and yet again Ed went early, leaving his partner to try and hold things together. Rob hit a breezy 20, Stuart got a duck and so did Grizzle Bomb, so it was looking pretty tight. The new graduate compounded a bad evening for himself by giving a couple of his team mates out lbw too ! Simon played a couple of top shots, without hip movement, to entertain us, but it was down to Sammy, Westy & Lachlan that we hit target with minimal fuss. Lachlan finishing it off nicely with a couple of sixes.


9/10 Hooray !!

Next week those pesky hoover salesmen are back.....

Grumpy 2 Trumpy

A new fixture for us, and an away one 'cos Nige doesn't get out much. He sold it to us as a game against old friend Squeak's team, in the idyllic riverside town of Dorchester. We imagined playing in the shadows of Dorchester Abbey, by the banks of the river, with a short stroll to the pub, so most of us arrived in a chirpy mood looking forward to a pleasant evening. In reality we played in a cow field in Berensfield, with Kabul CC's pavilion, complete with anti grenade shutters, doubling up as a Muslim style bar. One of our number was already in a foul mood; Lachlan "it's not fair" MacGregor was arguing with his bro, Rob "I don't care " MacGregor about a new scoreboard, hangovers, and life in general.

Anyway TOP were sent out to bat, but Ed soon perished, and Nige followed first ball, so the wobble was on. Sammy had left the DH at home, so Nigel got away with minimal humiliation. Meanwhile Tim & Rob repaired the damage and retired (Lachlan umpiring had other ideas, but his spiteful attempt to give Rob out was unsuccessful). Yes, we retired- section 4 of the Thursday night contract of engagement, stipulates, that "once a player reaches 25 runs, he shall retire at the end of that over". This avoids great players, like Tim & Rob, ruining the game by greedily scoring all the runs. We also spotted one of their fielders returning the ball with one foot over the boundary, but let it pass in accordance with section 1, namely "the game will be played by gentleman in the proper spirit of the occasion ". Lachie, still umpiring was now very angry with everybody, as he watched Piglet, Ben & Sammy all plunder the bowling, and generally enjoy themselves. Sammy retired, so that's 3 of us retired- did anyone notice that ? Just time for Swagger to chip in with a golden of his own, before we posted a good score of 157 off 20.


Al "got no trousers" Squires & Jonny "got no runs" Yaxley opened the bowling, and kept the squeeze on. Thompy, despite dropping a couple, eventually came good with 2 wickets, and Ed took a stunning catch on the boundary, prompting mass celebrations. Bat walked off, spectators told him Ed had stepped over the rope (sound familiar ?)- umpires looked spineless, bat came back- we accepted with good grace (see sect 1). Umpires asked to check if Berensfield's best had reached 25 yet (see sect 4) "Oh yes I'll check with the scorer " he replies. Nothing happens, so we continue "in the spirit of the game " and eventually get him out for 47- excuse me ? In the meantime Mr Grumpy is spotted with just a slight smile; his brother, threatening to puke all over the batsmens back, triggers an evasive, forward movement out of the crease, allowing a stumping. This clever trick is repeated twice more, and Lachie is now definitely smiling. Just to prove he can do it without Rob's help, he takes a cracking C&B to trump everyone's achievements, with 5 wickets. Happy Days !

Thanks to Timmy & Benny for helping us out -hope you enjoyed the scenery.

See you next week. Sorry can't get any pics to upload this week.

Captain Beaky missing !

Members of the public are warned not to approach this individual as he has the capability to bore a man to death with his nasal, droning drivel........................................................

So, we were all set to resume our annual hostilities with the man himself, only to be informed that he declined the offer to play this year and would not be appearing again in this fixture until we started being nice to him. So it looks like bye bye Beaky then!

We quickly got over the disappointment when we found out that alongside the old guard the team appeared to be packed with the gobbiest yoof that Wantage has to offer.
Mill Street won the toss and the fun began.

Jonny and Westy opened the bowling, both desperate to be the first to hit the brand new stumps.Probably trying too hard as Mill Street got off to a flyer with the milky bar kid carting the ball all over the place and retiring on 25 in the fifth over.

Bomber and Wilfy provided the amusement in the field, ably assisted by pretty much everyone else come to think of it as Mill Street racked up a pretty decent 145 for 6. Tompy was his new found economical self and Lachlan despite getting a bit of tap weighed in with 3 wickets. A special mention for the Landlord at this point who in spite of being on the lash all day still found the time to send Dave Templedoom flying into the shelving in the changing room.Nice assault sir!

Here we were then at the halfway point and obviously buoyed by their total, the yoof of Wantage started opening their pre-pubescent gobs. What they hadn't bargained for was Nigel who revelling in his role as the new wednesday night pinch-hitter hit his first ball for 6. Moreton got off to a flyer reaching 81 for 3 from the first 9 overs thanks in the main to the ex man mountain (more a man hillock now) Bomber and man of the match Wilfy. Wilfy only received his call up 45 minutes before the game and proved correct the old Moreton adage that no preparation is the best preparation. He flayed the ball to all corners of the ground in a fantastic exhibition of top quality slogging, going on to retire at 28 with only 2 singles in his total.
We still had time for a wobble with Jonny,Westy and Dave Templedoom mustering only 1 run between them (no need to go into details). However this was just to lull the little gobshites into a false sense of supremacy.
Our Thursday night team bats deeper than most and this was proved by Sammy and Tompy finally putting them to the sword and out of their collective misery with some more big hitting.This included a huge 6 over the pavilion from Tompy.

Then the most amazing thing happened. The constant earache that we had all been suffering from suddenly stopped as the little shits just shut up. You could almost hear a pin drop now, well you would have been able to if it weren't for all the loud raucous celebrating from the home team as we passed their total with 4 overs to spare.

So that is 7 out of 8 for us now and onto Dorchester next week.

Well done boys.

Captain Swagger

Where' the GOAT ?

Let's be honest, it had to end sometime soon. We've played poorly before, and got away with it, but this time Southfield & grandsons did us. I don't have a massive problem with that in itself, but I am fed up with the selfish attitude of one of our "regulars". When the shit hits the fan, we're in it together, and we collectively deal with it by blaming one person- the scapegoat. Wikipedia suggests:-

"Scapegoating is the singling out of an individual for negative treatment or blame; also known as a whipping boy or fall guy ". So, having lost, we all needed a spot of scapegoating, so it was utterly frustrating that the team scapegoat was absent. Jonny had informed us that Peter, over the course of the last week, had text through the following excuses for not playing.....

a) still had a sore arse after his triathalon on Sunday

b) that Grace was having her hair done

c) his children needed him to provide light entertainment & cook them fishfingers

d) he was taking a conference call from his business contacts

e) he was involved in a photo shoot for the latest MCC coaching manual

f) he had been commissioned to paint a picture

g) he was scared of a hard ball

Obviously only one of these excuses was really credible, but nevertheless, we were scapegoatless, whipping boyless & fall guyless, when it really mattered.

We bowled reasonably, fielded poorly, and had a target of 20 runs more than we should have allowed. Goat's replacement was Will Mac, a handy cricketer, on any day except a Thursday; his contribution of 0-23 and 4 runs was quite simply not up to scratch. He,Tim & Ed were all done for pace by someone who looked even older than Nigel. Jonny, Rob and Sam all batted really well, but TOP & Co had left them too much to do. It was left to Jonny to provide some late entertainment by felling Nigel who was umpiring at square leg, with a well timed shot, that Westy would have been very happy with. Sadly, he later made a full recovery, and was seen showing his bruises round the pub, which is not a pretty sight

Next week, Bomber, please, please say YES. Your team needs you !

Justice prevails..............

After last week's fiasco, when Blewbury failed to turn up because of a little bit of rain (I told them we should have played on their plastic wicket) Thursday night's team were keen to maintain their perfect start to the season. Tonight we hosted Aston (the one over near Wales) who not surprisingly thoroughly enjoy their bi-annual foray into civilisation, and they usually bring a strong team with them. Jonny got wind that they had a KP like allergy to left armers, so packed the team with these collectors items, including the rarely seen Joe "my cheque's in the post" Wardle. The intelligence proved accurate, and their openers comfort was rudely interrupted by lefties in the shape of Smithy & Thompy, who both bagged a brace of Astonites. Joe grabbed 3 for himself (he's a growing lad) including a tree felling yorker to rip out middle stump. Other fielding highlights included a special display, straight out of a manual, from a grizzle free Bomber, no doubt dedicated to all those spectators who had failed to get tickets to the men's Olympic shot putt final. Amazingly when you analyse Bomber's movement in super slo mo HD, it looks just the same as it does at "normal" speed- ugly.

King Sledge Yaxley persuaded his opposite number that he was indeed nervous, and should return immediately from whence he came. Josh "I'm an atheist"Slade got more invaluable experience in the field, and Rob did a great job behind the stumps as usual. Who haven't I mentioned.......... oh yes- Nigel's very personal, some would say spiteful & vindictive vendetta against Westy continues, as he refused to catch a dolly at square leg; hopefully he will never need the services of Blue Watch, who were on hand to witness this extraordinary spat.

So a target of 120 seemed straightforward, given that it was a Thursday and not a Wednesday.

Aston opened up with their own leftie in tandem with recently sacked ex-skipper Brummy "oi right mayt" Mark, and they managed to remove T.O.P consigning them to T.U.P* for the rest of the innings.Paddy walking in at 3 is a very reassuring sight for the batting team, but the scales were balanced by Bomber at 4. Such is his eloquence, that Bomber managed to talk his leg bye into a run in order to avoid the duck hat. Fortunately the stewards later convened in The Bear and righted this gross miscarriage of justice, so the records will show yet another duck for Bomber, and the good news is there's no right of appeal. The justice system in this country is rightly the envy of the world, and Bomber you should accept the court's decision with grace- I've heard she's happy with the decision anyway.
Sam & Paddy took the innings into calmer waters with some majestic batting, and Westy put Nigel out of his mind, to bat with clarity and authority, taking us to the brink of victory. Who would you expect to appear at the crease for the final act ? Yes Swagger popped up at this most opportune moment. With the scores level, one of the umpires tried to stop the fight early, but thankfully common sense prevailed and Jonny was allowed the chance to score the winning run; he selflessly rejected the chance by holing out to short mid wicket, allowing the tyrant Hessey to snatch the glory.

Next week: Southfield Supercalifragilisticexpialidociouis Stars for The Magnificent 7 ?

* U is for Umpiring - in case you cared

Huntin, Shootin & Fishin for DUCK

Cuxham is a tricky away game, and we haven't won there for 3 years. Their wicket is known to be a bit problematical, but news filtered through that they had invested heavily in the wicket, and it would play well;. the faces in the know, suggested 125 would be a par score.A strongish Moreton team turned up, with Will, Rhod, Westy & Ben making their first Thursday night appearances of the season, with Nigel "my kit is in the car " Hessey on standby should we need him (normally at least one player car gets lost on the way here, and is never seen again ). First view of the wicket confirmed that some investment had been made, but on closer inspection, some "damp spots" were noted on the outfield- Cuxham assured us that this was just where the players had a pee, due to the lack of "facilities" at the ground, but I'm sure I saw one of them fishing there when we arrived.

Moreton batted first with Will attempting to fill the boots of Tim's usual TOP colleague Ed. Tim found it rather confusing that Will was still there after the first 2 overs had passed, but soon adjusted to batting with a "cricketer" and the OP clocked up 49 without mishap.

Cuxham lost their opening bowler Dale "hedge" Winton, who fell awkwardly trying to stop one of Tim's drives- suffice to say that he no longer looks quite so pleased with life ............................................

Moreton sportingly offered Nige as a sub, and the game resumed, with Tim & Will retired, and Bomber in charge of today's duck parade. He didn't disappoint, returning to the pavilion immediately, sporting a large bruise on his thigh, as conclusive evidence of his inability to get out of the way of a straight ball. Thompy kept him company, again missing a straight one, but it was left to Lachlan to achieve the highest duck accolade of getting out without facing a ball. Meanwhile Rhod had somehow managed to plunder the bowling, even with the undoubted hindrance of being doubled up with laughter. Having looked like getting 200, we had to settle for 130- still above par according to the experts. Only 3 ducks this week then.

Swagger & Westy opened the bowling, and I don't think I have seen better on a Thursday night. After 8 overs, Cuxham were a feeble 10 runs for 5 wickets, and the duck shoot was in full flow. Sammy joined in the fun with a fine spell, yielding 4 wickets, including a real "ripper" that Warney would have been proud of. The "highlights package", as Ben coined it, concluded with Cuxham demolished for just 36 miserable runs. Total ducks bagged by us =6, meaning total "duckage " for the match of 9- is that a record ? A couple of pints at the pub followed by some crispy duck, and we left Cuxham searching for their "guarantee " certificate from the company who prepared their wicket.

Next week Blewbury in unfamiliar territory- here !

Giant Haystacks

On arrival this week, regular "midweekers" recognised the unmistakable figure of the "immovable object" fielding at midwicket; a super injunction prevents me from naming him, but the silhouette was unmistakable, confirmed by the ginger wisp of hair on top- only the lack of a blackberry, putting doubt in some player's minds. Both teams agreed to let him field for them, so as not to have to disturb him, or ask him to do the unthinkable.... move.

Sammy "always the son" Smith was missing, apparently on tour with The Stranglers, rather than supporting his midweek mates. Jonny lost the toss, so had to sport the duck hat rather longer than ideal. Al, Jonny & Josh bowled well, but tonight's bowling star was Lachlan, who picked up a fourfor and even ran someone out without the ball. Bomber was out fielded by the "stack", who didn't put a foot wrong. Allsorts registered a miserable, feeble & totally pathetic 51- a total they should be ashamed of. Swagger was so confident he headed straight for the showers, exuding maximum confidence in his teammates. At 16-6 we had to turn the water to cold to get him out; the Moreton juggernaut had stalled, and was overheating in the layby. Bomber had inexplicably run himself out, whilst others had played injudicious shots. Experience, a cool head, and a straight bat were required, and it thankfully arrived in a small package called Al Squires. An heroic performance to rescue his Dad, and mates, from the potential embarrassment of losing to a bunch of part-timers from Didcot. Result- a comfortable 1 wicket win.

Next week Cuxham away

Footnote: Sam "golden brown" Smith is planning to use the haystack as part of his set, for part 2 of his blockbusting video "At home with Mrs Squires".

4 Big Ducks

Some pre-match selection issues this week, with at least 16 players seeking the privilege of representing Moreton Midweek. A tough call for Mr Waxley, who briefly considered proportional representation, before turning to the much simpler method of financial representation. Having culled non paying members, those whose cheques bounced, and bankrupts, he was slightly short, but eventually turned out a lean & mean XI to face the might of Germany's elite hoover salesmen.

Miele presumably faced their own selection problems, having recently "let go" several employees who knew their way round a cricket bat rather better than they did a hoover.

Ed had control of the duck hat, but not for long. His thinly disguised, in fact totally undisguised, glee at passing it to Tim, was at least matched, in fact totally surpassed, by the immediate transfer to "golden boy" Bomber. Bomber's despair was brief, unfortunately, and he was soon able to return it to its rightful owner Ed. So after 2 overs, Moreton were in deep trouble at 2 for 3 with the U-boats circling for the kill. A 14 ball over, yielding 23 runs helped stabilise things, and Badger (44) Matt (42) and Thompy (24) ensured a healthy total, but not before Sammy fell to young Josh, and Jonny took pity on Ed, grabbing the duck hat for himself. Moreton ended on 163 for 9, but some concern was voiced about the overcrowding on the village pond, and a short break ensued, whilst the RSPCA investigated.

Play continued, affording the aforementioned ducks a chance to redeem themselves. Duck 1 (Tim) effected a run out and stopped everything coming his way, Duck 3 (Ed) managed 2 run outs, swooping like a preying mantis on speed, and Duck 4 (Jonny) bowled superbly, 2 for 4, including his 100th wicket for Moreton.* The more astute of you are asking about Duck 3 (Bomber), who sporting his brand new "concentration camp " look, evaded 2 simple catches and generally clowned around in the deep- so no redemption there then. Nigel "the enforcer" Hessey did his bit for youth development by catching young Josh, and then giving him a Churchillian salute, Al & Sammy bowled really well for their 2 wickets each, and Rob, Volvo, Bugalugs, CC1, Junior MacGregor kept wicket in fine style to wrap up a thumping win for Moreton.

The Moreton Juggarnaut rolls on to Inter Allsorts next week

* I took a phone call late last night from a Mr Moany Wincer, from Brightwell-cum- Sotwell, who suspects Mr Waxley's claim of 100 wickets is incorrect; after checking the scorebooks, he can only find 98 wickets..................