Grumpy 2 Trumpy

A new fixture for us, and an away one 'cos Nige doesn't get out much. He sold it to us as a game against old friend Squeak's team, in the idyllic riverside town of Dorchester. We imagined playing in the shadows of Dorchester Abbey, by the banks of the river, with a short stroll to the pub, so most of us arrived in a chirpy mood looking forward to a pleasant evening. In reality we played in a cow field in Berensfield, with Kabul CC's pavilion, complete with anti grenade shutters, doubling up as a Muslim style bar. One of our number was already in a foul mood; Lachlan "it's not fair" MacGregor was arguing with his bro, Rob "I don't care " MacGregor about a new scoreboard, hangovers, and life in general.

Anyway TOP were sent out to bat, but Ed soon perished, and Nige followed first ball, so the wobble was on. Sammy had left the DH at home, so Nigel got away with minimal humiliation. Meanwhile Tim & Rob repaired the damage and retired (Lachlan umpiring had other ideas, but his spiteful attempt to give Rob out was unsuccessful). Yes, we retired- section 4 of the Thursday night contract of engagement, stipulates, that "once a player reaches 25 runs, he shall retire at the end of that over". This avoids great players, like Tim & Rob, ruining the game by greedily scoring all the runs. We also spotted one of their fielders returning the ball with one foot over the boundary, but let it pass in accordance with section 1, namely "the game will be played by gentleman in the proper spirit of the occasion ". Lachie, still umpiring was now very angry with everybody, as he watched Piglet, Ben & Sammy all plunder the bowling, and generally enjoy themselves. Sammy retired, so that's 3 of us retired- did anyone notice that ? Just time for Swagger to chip in with a golden of his own, before we posted a good score of 157 off 20.


Al "got no trousers" Squires & Jonny "got no runs" Yaxley opened the bowling, and kept the squeeze on. Thompy, despite dropping a couple, eventually came good with 2 wickets, and Ed took a stunning catch on the boundary, prompting mass celebrations. Bat walked off, spectators told him Ed had stepped over the rope (sound familiar ?)- umpires looked spineless, bat came back- we accepted with good grace (see sect 1). Umpires asked to check if Berensfield's best had reached 25 yet (see sect 4) "Oh yes I'll check with the scorer " he replies. Nothing happens, so we continue "in the spirit of the game " and eventually get him out for 47- excuse me ? In the meantime Mr Grumpy is spotted with just a slight smile; his brother, threatening to puke all over the batsmens back, triggers an evasive, forward movement out of the crease, allowing a stumping. This clever trick is repeated twice more, and Lachie is now definitely smiling. Just to prove he can do it without Rob's help, he takes a cracking C&B to trump everyone's achievements, with 5 wickets. Happy Days !

Thanks to Timmy & Benny for helping us out -hope you enjoyed the scenery.

See you next week. Sorry can't get any pics to upload this week.

Captain Beaky missing !

Members of the public are warned not to approach this individual as he has the capability to bore a man to death with his nasal, droning drivel........................................................

So, we were all set to resume our annual hostilities with the man himself, only to be informed that he declined the offer to play this year and would not be appearing again in this fixture until we started being nice to him. So it looks like bye bye Beaky then!

We quickly got over the disappointment when we found out that alongside the old guard the team appeared to be packed with the gobbiest yoof that Wantage has to offer.
Mill Street won the toss and the fun began.

Jonny and Westy opened the bowling, both desperate to be the first to hit the brand new stumps.Probably trying too hard as Mill Street got off to a flyer with the milky bar kid carting the ball all over the place and retiring on 25 in the fifth over.

Bomber and Wilfy provided the amusement in the field, ably assisted by pretty much everyone else come to think of it as Mill Street racked up a pretty decent 145 for 6. Tompy was his new found economical self and Lachlan despite getting a bit of tap weighed in with 3 wickets. A special mention for the Landlord at this point who in spite of being on the lash all day still found the time to send Dave Templedoom flying into the shelving in the changing room.Nice assault sir!

Here we were then at the halfway point and obviously buoyed by their total, the yoof of Wantage started opening their pre-pubescent gobs. What they hadn't bargained for was Nigel who revelling in his role as the new wednesday night pinch-hitter hit his first ball for 6. Moreton got off to a flyer reaching 81 for 3 from the first 9 overs thanks in the main to the ex man mountain (more a man hillock now) Bomber and man of the match Wilfy. Wilfy only received his call up 45 minutes before the game and proved correct the old Moreton adage that no preparation is the best preparation. He flayed the ball to all corners of the ground in a fantastic exhibition of top quality slogging, going on to retire at 28 with only 2 singles in his total.
We still had time for a wobble with Jonny,Westy and Dave Templedoom mustering only 1 run between them (no need to go into details). However this was just to lull the little gobshites into a false sense of supremacy.
Our Thursday night team bats deeper than most and this was proved by Sammy and Tompy finally putting them to the sword and out of their collective misery with some more big hitting.This included a huge 6 over the pavilion from Tompy.

Then the most amazing thing happened. The constant earache that we had all been suffering from suddenly stopped as the little shits just shut up. You could almost hear a pin drop now, well you would have been able to if it weren't for all the loud raucous celebrating from the home team as we passed their total with 4 overs to spare.

So that is 7 out of 8 for us now and onto Dorchester next week.

Well done boys.

Captain Swagger

Where' the GOAT ?

Let's be honest, it had to end sometime soon. We've played poorly before, and got away with it, but this time Southfield & grandsons did us. I don't have a massive problem with that in itself, but I am fed up with the selfish attitude of one of our "regulars". When the shit hits the fan, we're in it together, and we collectively deal with it by blaming one person- the scapegoat. Wikipedia suggests:-

"Scapegoating is the singling out of an individual for negative treatment or blame; also known as a whipping boy or fall guy ". So, having lost, we all needed a spot of scapegoating, so it was utterly frustrating that the team scapegoat was absent. Jonny had informed us that Peter, over the course of the last week, had text through the following excuses for not playing.....

a) still had a sore arse after his triathalon on Sunday

b) that Grace was having her hair done

c) his children needed him to provide light entertainment & cook them fishfingers

d) he was taking a conference call from his business contacts

e) he was involved in a photo shoot for the latest MCC coaching manual

f) he had been commissioned to paint a picture

g) he was scared of a hard ball

Obviously only one of these excuses was really credible, but nevertheless, we were scapegoatless, whipping boyless & fall guyless, when it really mattered.

We bowled reasonably, fielded poorly, and had a target of 20 runs more than we should have allowed. Goat's replacement was Will Mac, a handy cricketer, on any day except a Thursday; his contribution of 0-23 and 4 runs was quite simply not up to scratch. He,Tim & Ed were all done for pace by someone who looked even older than Nigel. Jonny, Rob and Sam all batted really well, but TOP & Co had left them too much to do. It was left to Jonny to provide some late entertainment by felling Nigel who was umpiring at square leg, with a well timed shot, that Westy would have been very happy with. Sadly, he later made a full recovery, and was seen showing his bruises round the pub, which is not a pretty sight

Next week, Bomber, please, please say YES. Your team needs you !

Justice prevails..............

After last week's fiasco, when Blewbury failed to turn up because of a little bit of rain (I told them we should have played on their plastic wicket) Thursday night's team were keen to maintain their perfect start to the season. Tonight we hosted Aston (the one over near Wales) who not surprisingly thoroughly enjoy their bi-annual foray into civilisation, and they usually bring a strong team with them. Jonny got wind that they had a KP like allergy to left armers, so packed the team with these collectors items, including the rarely seen Joe "my cheque's in the post" Wardle. The intelligence proved accurate, and their openers comfort was rudely interrupted by lefties in the shape of Smithy & Thompy, who both bagged a brace of Astonites. Joe grabbed 3 for himself (he's a growing lad) including a tree felling yorker to rip out middle stump. Other fielding highlights included a special display, straight out of a manual, from a grizzle free Bomber, no doubt dedicated to all those spectators who had failed to get tickets to the men's Olympic shot putt final. Amazingly when you analyse Bomber's movement in super slo mo HD, it looks just the same as it does at "normal" speed- ugly.

King Sledge Yaxley persuaded his opposite number that he was indeed nervous, and should return immediately from whence he came. Josh "I'm an atheist"Slade got more invaluable experience in the field, and Rob did a great job behind the stumps as usual. Who haven't I mentioned.......... oh yes- Nigel's very personal, some would say spiteful & vindictive vendetta against Westy continues, as he refused to catch a dolly at square leg; hopefully he will never need the services of Blue Watch, who were on hand to witness this extraordinary spat.

So a target of 120 seemed straightforward, given that it was a Thursday and not a Wednesday.

Aston opened up with their own leftie in tandem with recently sacked ex-skipper Brummy "oi right mayt" Mark, and they managed to remove T.O.P consigning them to T.U.P* for the rest of the innings.Paddy walking in at 3 is a very reassuring sight for the batting team, but the scales were balanced by Bomber at 4. Such is his eloquence, that Bomber managed to talk his leg bye into a run in order to avoid the duck hat. Fortunately the stewards later convened in The Bear and righted this gross miscarriage of justice, so the records will show yet another duck for Bomber, and the good news is there's no right of appeal. The justice system in this country is rightly the envy of the world, and Bomber you should accept the court's decision with grace- I've heard she's happy with the decision anyway.
Sam & Paddy took the innings into calmer waters with some majestic batting, and Westy put Nigel out of his mind, to bat with clarity and authority, taking us to the brink of victory. Who would you expect to appear at the crease for the final act ? Yes Swagger popped up at this most opportune moment. With the scores level, one of the umpires tried to stop the fight early, but thankfully common sense prevailed and Jonny was allowed the chance to score the winning run; he selflessly rejected the chance by holing out to short mid wicket, allowing the tyrant Hessey to snatch the glory.

Next week: Southfield Supercalifragilisticexpialidociouis Stars for The Magnificent 7 ?

* U is for Umpiring - in case you cared

Huntin, Shootin & Fishin for DUCK

Cuxham is a tricky away game, and we haven't won there for 3 years. Their wicket is known to be a bit problematical, but news filtered through that they had invested heavily in the wicket, and it would play well;. the faces in the know, suggested 125 would be a par score.A strongish Moreton team turned up, with Will, Rhod, Westy & Ben making their first Thursday night appearances of the season, with Nigel "my kit is in the car " Hessey on standby should we need him (normally at least one player car gets lost on the way here, and is never seen again ). First view of the wicket confirmed that some investment had been made, but on closer inspection, some "damp spots" were noted on the outfield- Cuxham assured us that this was just where the players had a pee, due to the lack of "facilities" at the ground, but I'm sure I saw one of them fishing there when we arrived.

Moreton batted first with Will attempting to fill the boots of Tim's usual TOP colleague Ed. Tim found it rather confusing that Will was still there after the first 2 overs had passed, but soon adjusted to batting with a "cricketer" and the OP clocked up 49 without mishap.

Cuxham lost their opening bowler Dale "hedge" Winton, who fell awkwardly trying to stop one of Tim's drives- suffice to say that he no longer looks quite so pleased with life ............................................

Moreton sportingly offered Nige as a sub, and the game resumed, with Tim & Will retired, and Bomber in charge of today's duck parade. He didn't disappoint, returning to the pavilion immediately, sporting a large bruise on his thigh, as conclusive evidence of his inability to get out of the way of a straight ball. Thompy kept him company, again missing a straight one, but it was left to Lachlan to achieve the highest duck accolade of getting out without facing a ball. Meanwhile Rhod had somehow managed to plunder the bowling, even with the undoubted hindrance of being doubled up with laughter. Having looked like getting 200, we had to settle for 130- still above par according to the experts. Only 3 ducks this week then.

Swagger & Westy opened the bowling, and I don't think I have seen better on a Thursday night. After 8 overs, Cuxham were a feeble 10 runs for 5 wickets, and the duck shoot was in full flow. Sammy joined in the fun with a fine spell, yielding 4 wickets, including a real "ripper" that Warney would have been proud of. The "highlights package", as Ben coined it, concluded with Cuxham demolished for just 36 miserable runs. Total ducks bagged by us =6, meaning total "duckage " for the match of 9- is that a record ? A couple of pints at the pub followed by some crispy duck, and we left Cuxham searching for their "guarantee " certificate from the company who prepared their wicket.

Next week Blewbury in unfamiliar territory- here !

Giant Haystacks

On arrival this week, regular "midweekers" recognised the unmistakable figure of the "immovable object" fielding at midwicket; a super injunction prevents me from naming him, but the silhouette was unmistakable, confirmed by the ginger wisp of hair on top- only the lack of a blackberry, putting doubt in some player's minds. Both teams agreed to let him field for them, so as not to have to disturb him, or ask him to do the unthinkable.... move.

Sammy "always the son" Smith was missing, apparently on tour with The Stranglers, rather than supporting his midweek mates. Jonny lost the toss, so had to sport the duck hat rather longer than ideal. Al, Jonny & Josh bowled well, but tonight's bowling star was Lachlan, who picked up a fourfor and even ran someone out without the ball. Bomber was out fielded by the "stack", who didn't put a foot wrong. Allsorts registered a miserable, feeble & totally pathetic 51- a total they should be ashamed of. Swagger was so confident he headed straight for the showers, exuding maximum confidence in his teammates. At 16-6 we had to turn the water to cold to get him out; the Moreton juggernaut had stalled, and was overheating in the layby. Bomber had inexplicably run himself out, whilst others had played injudicious shots. Experience, a cool head, and a straight bat were required, and it thankfully arrived in a small package called Al Squires. An heroic performance to rescue his Dad, and mates, from the potential embarrassment of losing to a bunch of part-timers from Didcot. Result- a comfortable 1 wicket win.

Next week Cuxham away

Footnote: Sam "golden brown" Smith is planning to use the haystack as part of his set, for part 2 of his blockbusting video "At home with Mrs Squires".

4 Big Ducks

Some pre-match selection issues this week, with at least 16 players seeking the privilege of representing Moreton Midweek. A tough call for Mr Waxley, who briefly considered proportional representation, before turning to the much simpler method of financial representation. Having culled non paying members, those whose cheques bounced, and bankrupts, he was slightly short, but eventually turned out a lean & mean XI to face the might of Germany's elite hoover salesmen.

Miele presumably faced their own selection problems, having recently "let go" several employees who knew their way round a cricket bat rather better than they did a hoover.

Ed had control of the duck hat, but not for long. His thinly disguised, in fact totally undisguised, glee at passing it to Tim, was at least matched, in fact totally surpassed, by the immediate transfer to "golden boy" Bomber. Bomber's despair was brief, unfortunately, and he was soon able to return it to its rightful owner Ed. So after 2 overs, Moreton were in deep trouble at 2 for 3 with the U-boats circling for the kill. A 14 ball over, yielding 23 runs helped stabilise things, and Badger (44) Matt (42) and Thompy (24) ensured a healthy total, but not before Sammy fell to young Josh, and Jonny took pity on Ed, grabbing the duck hat for himself. Moreton ended on 163 for 9, but some concern was voiced about the overcrowding on the village pond, and a short break ensued, whilst the RSPCA investigated.

Play continued, affording the aforementioned ducks a chance to redeem themselves. Duck 1 (Tim) effected a run out and stopped everything coming his way, Duck 3 (Ed) managed 2 run outs, swooping like a preying mantis on speed, and Duck 4 (Jonny) bowled superbly, 2 for 4, including his 100th wicket for Moreton.* The more astute of you are asking about Duck 3 (Bomber), who sporting his brand new "concentration camp " look, evaded 2 simple catches and generally clowned around in the deep- so no redemption there then. Nigel "the enforcer" Hessey did his bit for youth development by catching young Josh, and then giving him a Churchillian salute, Al & Sammy bowled really well for their 2 wickets each, and Rob, Volvo, Bugalugs, CC1, Junior MacGregor kept wicket in fine style to wrap up a thumping win for Moreton.

The Moreton Juggarnaut rolls on to Inter Allsorts next week

* I took a phone call late last night from a Mr Moany Wincer, from Brightwell-cum- Sotwell, who suspects Mr Waxley's claim of 100 wickets is incorrect; after checking the scorebooks, he can only find 98 wickets..................

"Do I get my sweeties now Mr Waxley ?"

For the 2nd week running, thanks to a Friday BH, this was a Moreton Endweek game on the rec; this time against Wally Squash Club. The usual array of impressive athletes, augmented with great batsmen, such as Tim Wigley & Ben Ray. Our own dressing room looked pretty rich on talent too, but Jonny, as always, likes to give some of the lesser lights a chance, so he had also invited Kaz & Fletch for an outing to balance things up.


WSC started well, with some tight bowling from Jonny, unfortunately undone by some slack stuff from Kaz. Skip brought on Sammy with stupendous result; 3 overs, 3 for 10, comprising their top 3 batsmen, including Piglet for a duck, all caught. More left arm spin, this time from Thompy kept them on the slide, after their comfortable start. Then the "masterstroke"- on came Josh "thank you Mr Waxley " Slade, and he immediately, "pleased" his captain with a wicket with his very first ball for Moreton CC. After a couple of jelly babies and a lollipop, he took Ben Ray's wicket too (another duck), and finished with 2 for 8 on debut. Good fielding tonight, no significant drops, good keeping from Badger, Fletch mopped up the tail end charlie's, and a special mention for Joe & Dave, because..... they do need a mention. Our target of 81 from 15 eight ball overs looked straightforward.

The Duck Hat, a feature of Thursday cricket, was not required last week, which believe me is unusual. Not so shy this week, with Ed demanding it in the first over, clearly expecting to pass it on quite quickly. Having retained the yellow hat all evening, it's rumoured that he woke up with it still on this morning; we need to check footage of Sammy's latest movie " At home with Mrs Squires " to verify this. Tim, Badger & Thompy ensured no more alarms, and Swagger managed to get himself into the middle to steer his ship home.

Jonny was last seen heading off to cash & carry, to stock up on treats for his young apprentice, and finally, on a sad note, Badger was given a final warning regarding his green & gold outfit- hopefully he has learnt from his mistake.

Next week: Abingdon Hoover salesmen- home

P.S. No Fletch -I haven't forgotten that lbw decision !

Stealth Bomber

A balmy Thursday evening, blue skies, high temperatures, a slimline Bomber (no that's not a drink !)- it can't be April in North Moreton-pinch yourself, it's real. First fixture is Footballers CC XI or was it XIII. FCC traditionally borrow players from Moreton and from Blewbury, with the original "footballing" qualification long forgotten; nevertheless a thoroughly enjoyable fixture, with due credit to their captain with his shiny new bat, for not over-using their more skilled artisans.

Moreton welcomed back its "old faces", some with a new look- did you spot the difference above ?

The youngsters included Al, Joe and newboy Josh "Hello Mr Waxley" Slade. Bowling first, it was youth to the fore with Al & Joe both picking up 3 wickets, and Sam, unlucky not to get a stumping. "Experience" were happy offering skip advice on field placings, naturally ensuring there was nobody at home when the ball was edged to slip- sorry mate ! Badger's donkey drops were effective, but Volvo's weren't (despite the wicket) and FCC accelerated to a respectable 127.

T.O.P started brightly, and the spectator who can't be named was apparently upset that his "house" was under threat; on a point of law, and for the record, I think you'll find it's a bungalow. Stealth was in next, and despite suffering from a vast array of ailments, proceeded to smash the ball around the park in entertaining fashion; the hours of net practice on his own are really starting to pay off. Meanwhile Paddy was accumulating at the other end in the anchor role, unruffled even when hit on the head by a Wags bouncer. Wags was also playing at being a bit of an anchor, and was berated by his captain for being "the worst ringer I've ever had" duly demoted to scoreboard duty. Sam hit Josh for a 6, and immediately apologised, Jonny finished with a swagger, the duck hat was not required, and a comfortable win rounded off a great evening.

Next week it's Wallingford Squash Club

Moreton Beer & Cricket Festival 2010

Our 3rd year & "the best yet" according to most of you. The weather was kind, the music superb, the cricket was wonderfully entertaining & the beer & cider flowed.













I thought The Homestead commentary box worked particularly well, so thanks to all of you who did a stint in there; I can only think of one person who disagrees with this sentiment., hopefully he'll do a stint in the box next year ? What do you reckon Tony ?

A big thank you to those that worked so hard to put this event on- there are a few too many of you to mention, without it sounding like an Oscar's acceptance speech, but you know who you are & thank you !

A short, light hearted, review of the cricket follows below- I must confess I didn't see that much of Thursday or Fridays games, and I know Jonny will write something about our emphatic win over Cuxham, but if anyone fancies penning a few words about Thursday's high scoring game v Warborough boys, I would be delighted.

SATURDAY 31st JULY 6 a side competition.

After Wimbledon Wizards pulled out & Nigel "tough guy" Hessey threw Sutton Courtenay out for failing to answer his emails, we had 2 new teams this year; Warborough Wizards (how convenient) & "The Tourists" a second team from Amsterdam. Seeding ensured last year's finalists, The Grizzly Bears & Amsterdam were kept apart in the early stages, and early form suggested these 2 would again be involved at the k/o stage. Blewbury, smarting from their poor showing last year sent a strong team over, & The Wizards, despite losing to The Bear in a tight group game also went through. Very entertaining semi finals saw Blewbury leave early thanks to the young Wizards heroics & The Bear avenged their loss to Amsterdam in last year's final with a convincing win. So youth v experience in the final; The Bear's team looked good on paper, but 3 days of drinking might be catching up with them ? The Wizards had been on Lucozade all day, and no doubt had been sent to bed at a sensible time the night before, so a close game was expected. To be honest I wasn't expecting to play in the final, so had done a bit of quality control in the beer tent, only to hear that Kaz was injured/ feeling his age. The Wizards batted well, without ever "getting away", and The Bears knocked off the runs relatively comfortably. Getting my hands back on the trophy was fantastic, and all the plaudits must go to our team, assembled at great expense at the IPL auction:-

Rowan Macgregor (Skip)

Sam Fletcher

Kaz Miles

Richard West

Rob Macgregor (Keep)

Jonny Yaxley

Sam Smith

& The Landlord

SUNDAY 1st AUGUST - T20 Triangular Comp

Moreton were joined by our old friends from Amsterdam, and our even older acquaintances from Brightwell-cum-Sotwell. One of the many highlights of this year's festival was Moreton retaining The Anniversary Cup, purchased by BcS, at great expense, won last year by our "2nd XI", and now engraved exclusively with the 7 letters "Moreton". Anticipating victory this year, BcS apparently had a whip round to pay for engraving their village name on their cup, but fell short of the sum required for all 21 characters, and as "right well cum" didn't seem appropriate, they bowed down graciously. To lose off the 6th ball of the 20th over is always going to be hard to take, and we are grateful to "Moany Wincer " for pointing out to his team that they had had a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon, and really shouldn't fret too much over the result. Earlier we had seen Amsterdam beat BcS, who unfortunately ended the day played 2 lost 2. Perhaps the best of all was Moreton v Amsterdam, ending unbelievably in a tie (126 each) with Dive Templedoom the unlikely bowling hero.

Looking forward to next year !

Hero to Zero

As Blewbury is one of our favourite games, it was an unexpected bonus when they turned up on Thursday instead of FCC; even more surprising, as it was a home game for us, since they are normally unable to "travel" on a Thursday !

Bomber's exploits on Sunday have been well documented, so the team was bullish with him batting at 4. No "long fellow" to open, so Tim & Nige did the honours, with a lucky escape for yours truly, dropped off the first ball; actually even luckier for Templedoom, 'cos he would have had my bat wrapped 'round his head if it had stuck. Nige played aggressively & so did Charlie, and a big innings from Bomber was expected. Bomber's Thursday form is of course piss poor, as we all know, so it shouldn't have been any surprise that he let his mates down again, getting a quick duck, so he could rush back to his beer and continue boring everyone in the pavilion with the tale of how he got his 50 on Sunday. He now plans to "stay at home" waiting for the call from either Hollywood directors, England selectors, or The Benefits Office. Sammy clocked up his 10th Duck of the season with a sweet clip off his legs, straight to a fielder. Swagger had another good knock for 21 & Stuart (17*)& Wicksy(25*) finished with a flurry to bring us up to a respectable 157. This would almost certainly be enough if we were playing FCC as scheduled, but against Blewbury, it might be a tight call ?

Joe & Felch bowled well & both picked up a wicket, with Felch being particularly economical. Jonny also had a good spell, and picked up 3 for 20 off his 4 overs. Unfortunately Wicksy & Smithy leaked runs badly, with special mention for Wicksy who bowled absolute tripe, getting 3 undeserved wickets, with gift wrapped dross ! Bomber plucked a great catch on the boundary, briefly reclaiming "hero" status, before reverting to type 2 minutes later with a buffoon like misfield. Blewbury boys finished the run chase off in the last over, and it was back to The Bear and more "tales of the unexpected" from Bomber.

Here's a photo of Bomber's 50 for you to enjoy at your leisure

Back to reality

After the heady days of Bordeaux, it was back to earth with Wally Squash Club & a gale force wind. My typing finger has done a fair bit of overtime recently, so this report may not be as extensive as usual; of course if we had won it might well have been different !

WSC batted first and Al & Westy bowled really well to keep a tight rein on the run rate, and at 4-26, we were firmly in control; Al took 3-17 off his 4 overs. At this point, the squash players phoned for help, and biked over a cricketer from Stoke Row, whose arrival coincided with a bout of generosity from Thompy & Wicksy, who both leaked runs faster than the dams of the Ruhr Valley. Smithy had the satisfaction of getting JayJamJani out, but our self appointed fielding coach, Bomber, didn't help our cause by missing a few in the slips, and was eventually banished to the deep, but unfortunately WSC had now got a defendable target of 126.

In very dark conditions, we struggled to find fluency in our batting; Ed (21) & Westy (24) both batted well, Al (16*) performed beyond his years, and a late flurry from Thompy (17) nearly threatened an unlikely win, but the squash club bowlers were pretty accurate with the big red ball, and we fell short by 11 runs.

Crazy Frog bottles it !

Friday

Probably the highlight of the week, was the game at Chateau Giscours, a troisieme Margaux, producing really good claret. The cricket pitch is in the grounds of the chateau, and we preceded the game with an informative & enjoyable tour. Giscours are French champions & rather fancy themselves- they even have a few French players in their team as Jacques-oh discovered when he referred to the French polo team, who used to train there, as " a load of Frenchmen poncing around on horses" !

Batting first on the strangest of wickets- concrete with coconut matting- a few struggled with the variable bounce, and Rowan took a stinker under the ribs from some Yarpie, before he got off the mark. He went on to top score with 62, which just goes to show you should never annoy an Aussie, especially one with a British passport ! Our score of 136 looked about par, but should have been higher, except a certain person refused to get himself on strike, because he was scared of getting the duck hat. This selfish behaviour deserves to be exposed to the wider world, so, having taken legal advice, I am posting a photo of him now- quick mention for Swagger for a top spot !

Well batted too Sammy Smith- in difficult circumstances he kept calm and played some lovely shots.

Bowling plaudits shared around really, but nice to see Nick Cross in the thick of it at the end, and a special mention for Volvo, who took a decent catch to get rid of Matthew Pincents cousin. Moreton win by 33.

So it's "Jouer trois- gagnez trois" or something like that ! Unbeaten on tour again- unbelievable. A great week- thanks for all the laughs chaps- and a massive thank you to Nick & Jonny for sorting it all out. Special mention too for Ed "Espagnol" Squires and Didier for the superb day they arranged for us on Monday. One final memory is a 2 year old girl taking the piss out of Dive at the airport- some people are born for it ! Bomber we need you next year !

A bientot

Damazan in distress

Thursday

Unbelievably we have another game of cricket scheduled for today- I make that 2 in 4 days- who organised this schedule, they must be mad ? Luckily I'm down for a rest today, so a stop at the supermarket is required as we try to recreate the Bear at Home bar in Damazan- possibly the most picturesque ground in the South West- or maybe not.

Apparently it's a "bastide" town, well it's certainly a right " bastide" to get too. First impressions were good, although they have the same water melon sales shacks as St Aulaye & the toilet/shower block confuses several of our players who can't decide which is which. If you really want to know about the cricket, there's a Damazan report, written by a guy who was paying attention http://www.damazancricket.com/2010-match-reports. They were pretty impressed with our team, particularly a young chappie they called "Hessic" who "scored a hard hit 51", his first runs on tour since decimalisation. I believe they are looking to sign an "enforcer" for their youth team, and Nige could be their man. Personally I was more impressed with Le Deno who hit a boundary to register a PB of 6 & Jacques Oh, who didn't hit anything and trudged off with the Duck Hat firmly on his head. This was a real low point for him, and he suddenly looked older than Messey & Gibbsey combined. Cue The Temple of Doom, who 2 minutes later met the same fate, and Jacques Oh was up and charging on to the field like a puppy, maybe quite a fat puppy, but nevertheless a dramatic transformation. Dave hardly made it off the square before having the Chapeau de Canard rammed onto his ginger nest. The only other moment of note that I saw was Damazan's founder, Jean Claude, walking in to bat, with the job of saving the match for them; apparently he had driven for nearly 3 hours to get here, promptly got a duck (a fine catch by Felcher, considering he was sucking on a straw at the time) and faced another 3 hour drive home. So we returned to Bordeaux in high spirits with an unbeaten record, and prospects of another night out on the town. One slightly disturbing moment was Twixie letting his hair down, literally, on the bus, and he did deservedly receive a yellow card for this; not as bad as Messey's red card incident on Monday, but still pretty disgusting.

PS can someone send me "Messey the movie" for online publication ?

Percy's favourite Codpiece

Ed's big contribution to the tour ended today, and Ed is such a great guy that several younger tourists expressed an interest in joining the Squires family. Not sure quite how I'm going to get a balanced book on this, but here are the current odds:-



The Ed Squire's son in law to be challenge stakes

(for ungelded colts with small brains )

Betting is win only, or in Ed's case lose only



2/1 Le garcon Schmidt

3/1 Any McDonald brother (3 runners)

4/1 Any Bugalugs from Smith's Cottage ( 3 runners from this stable too)

10/1 unnamed Didcot Chav

100/1 Dive Simpleman



Wednesday



Today has been set aside for eating & drinking, as it's quite important to get the right balance of high octane sport, mixed with rest & relaxation; there had been some mutterings that we had overdone the cricket a bit, so this was a chance to balance the books. Booked in to La Tupina, which everyone looked forward to except Percy, who prefers a nut roast to a rare steak. But first some culture for a select group of tourists, who were seen taking brass rubbings in the cathedral, follwed by a trip on the toy train. Rest of us sparked up with an armagnac, before heading to the restaurant. This is one of France's top restaurants, and The Herald Tribune described it as 2nd best in the world ! Having enjoyed delicacies such as 8hour shoulder of Lamb & Carpaccio of Duck, I think the experience was best summed up by Rowan, who came out with "YUM ! " Even Percy was happy, as his Codpiece was apparently very succulent, in fact so good that he has posted a picture of it below.










A trip to Bar a vin was rewarded with some fine wines at subsidised prices-it was fortunate that Ed had kindly left his tab open, and the day rounded off nicely with Germany ausganging out of the World Cup. Finally more culture on the way home with another chapter of Bleak House in Chas Dicken's hostelry. The two "big O's" Deno & Jacko insist on an early night as they have had the nod from Monsieur X that they will be in the starting XI tomorrow.

Bugalugs !!

OK so firstly who or what is Bugalugs ? Found a definition as follows:-

An Australian term of endearment, similar to "Mate" but usually used in a slightly more patronising tone and with less immediate masculine connotations. A good example is a parent describing a son or daughter, or an older person describing a young person. The term is usually used playfully.

So the more astute will now know who Bugalugs is, and the "Ou est theme" continues with Bugalugs being the latest boy overboard. At least Dive the "fountain of no knowledge " is present, if not correct, at breakfast. The difference this time is that one person does care about the missing person, and Rowan had been heard shouting "Boysie" all through the night in a vain attempt to get Robert back from the red light district. He had been about to reach for his strides, when the errant boy returned, and we left them to a small family discussion, extracts of which included .....
"honestly mite..............grounded....................worried sick................5 euros etc etc"
We travelled to St Aulaye, stimulated by the team news being released by Kazpello 2 hours before the game; no great surprises, and of course Bugalugs was dropped on Dad's instructions. We eventually spotted the roadside watermelon sales hut that doubles as their pavilion, and jumped enthusiastically off the bus. When Wynford had dreamt of setting up a cricket club near Bordeaux, it was the thought of getting a load of gobby Englishmen, plus Rowan, wearing lemon polo shirts, blaring Ole Ole Ole across the outfield, that kept him going in his long search for a watermelon shack. Batting first, TOP had a bad start, with Ed getting a duck; it got worse when we realised nobody had brought the step ladders, so the tricky logistical problem of getting the hat on his head had to be overcome, before the game could continue. Rowan was taken out by a U-boat ball, but Felcher & Grincement led the recovery, with Pompier showing off in front of Blue Watch, to push us past 200. The Ole boys kept us going in the field, and heroic efforts from our bowlers kept us in the game, with victory being achieved in the final over by 7 runs; this handily increased the significance of my own 8 run contribution to the game.
Jonny kindly made arrangements for us to see the Holland game, in a conveniently situated bar, just 2 blocks away. The rest of the evening followed a familiar pattern, I think, and we finished as usual with a cultural trip to Charles Dickens Bar.

Ou est Dave ?

sunday- arrive in Bordeaux, check into our rooms, which were clean, but hardly spacious; in fact if Nigel had brought his cat with him, he would not have been able to swing it, and already some members of the tour party were plotting how to avoid spending the night there. Tour blogging is usually easy- you just watch Bomber, and the rest takes care of itself. This year looked tougher, with plenty of candidates trying to provide material. We kicked off with a waterfight led by able fireman Westy, and there were some concerns that Dave might be a bit pissed. Luckily he had taken a photo of our hotel tram stop, so we were reassured that he wouldn't have a problem getting home........................


monday- no sign of Dave at breakfast, and the first divisions of the tour party were exposed. The "yes worries" group, clearly concerned for Dave, started phoning round hospitals, whilst the "no worries" faction carried on regardless, occasionally stopping to berate him for being so selfish. A trip to the beautiful St Emilion and a rake of Armagnacs calmed everyone, until the news we had all dreaded came through.........................Dave had been found alive. Stories were circulating of Dave swimming the Gironde and being rescued by a police helicopter, before being rushed to hospital- so Dave does have a fertile imagination after all.

Police sources later confirmed that a ginger haired twat was found trying to nick a euro out of a fountain, and was too drunk to climb out. Several passers by had been deterred from rescuing him when they saw an alarming, brightly coloured zit on his head, but as the city water supply was now at risk from the poison, police had no choice but to step in, and pull him out. A very angry police spokesman said Bordeaux police were very pissed off with Monsieur Dive Simpleman, as they now had wet socks, and they would be sending him a large bill.

Dive met us at a vineyard later with hospital instructions in French, which fortunately Ed was able to translate, " do not let the patient dry out too quickly"- thus Dive's health was made a priority for the rest of the day. Percy declared this " the besht day ever, ever in thirty four years of touring". Jaques Oh was overjoyed at the copious amounts of duck made available to us, saying it was his second best day on tour ever. Returning to the city, we made an unsceduled stop for a senior tourist, and he repeated the feat at what is now known as "techno corner" by turning himself inside out in spectacular style. Percy thought local planners might reject his choice of hues for the pavement grout, but we were reassured that they would tone down eventually . I'm pretty sure the next 24 hours will be uneventful- check back later to see if I'm right.

Aston hammered again...............

Thanks to Volvo & Swagger for giving me a break from the blog, but my fans have now demanded I return.

But first a Tappin Cup postscript.................Georgia has just got a new pet, and she tells me she wants to call her rabbit Lockey. As I wasn't at the TC, I'm not sure of the significance of this news, but I can tell you, Georgia hasn't stopped laughing for a week- what's this all about eh ?

Anyway back to BrummyWindBag & The Dudlaay Boys. I must say BWB looked a little deflated when I saw him; perhaps he was remembering the heavy defeat his DB's suffered here last time, or maybe he just took the wrong exit off spaghetti junction. Whatever the reason, it was certainly easier on the ear this time, and he's now officially downgraded to just BB. No "our Graham" this time either for Thompy to torture; his replacement being Bryn Rhys Huw-Jones, from I'm not quite sure where ?

Moreton selection news centred around Volvo choosing to attend a gay picnic by the river rather than help his "Midweek" mates win a game of cricket. In a risky move, Volvo sent his younger bro Lachlan to take his place, and he immediately slotted into the team, with the added bonus that he actually brushes his hair.

Unfathomably, Bomber appointed himself "fielding coach", demonstrating to Sammy and others, how to get your "hot pie cabinet" behind the ball and prevent a boundary. More Tee Hee Hee than MCC, but thanks for your input Bomber !

With Al & Swagger bowling well, but without luck, Skip decided to bring on Wicksy for some of his new medium pace cutters. Wicksy though, had other ideas, insisting that it was December already, and reverted to his generous spin drivel. Whatever he may tell his grandchildren, he just got lucky when their number 3 smashed one with a pretty ribbon it, straight to "Sorry" on the boundary. In another inspired change, Jonny chucked Thompy the ball, and once he had picked it back up off the floor, he struck gold with his first delivery. Smithy repeated the trick, and Fletch helped their tail increase their bowel movements with some lively pace at the end.

Target 151- gettable, but no "walk in the park"

As usual "the tall ones" got us off to a flier with 30 on the board after just 2 overs. Next in Lachlan, who whilst his bro was nibbling at cucumber sandwiches, decided he should uphold family honour by blasting 28 in double quick time, before retiring. Meanwhile Ed continued the retirement party theme with a majestic 25, and even Bomber weighed in with an unbeaten 33. We were now in danger of running out of carriage clocks, so Smithy & Fletch decided to "push it" for an early finish; victory, a "walk in the park", was sealed by 9 wickets with 3 overs to spare. A superb batting performance to mask the slightly "iffy" efforts in the field- Bomber will be offering more fielding tips if anyone cares to listen.....................................no thought not.

Next Week, Daisy Duck goes to Bordeaux- Bon Chance to all !

We'll be back at The Croft on Thurs 15th July v Wally Squash Club

England beat Australia again.............

Victories against Australia is always sweet, and the rugby on Saturday morning, and now 2 one day cricket matches this week, mean it's been a great sporting week. Italy crash out of the world cup, England stay in, Wimbledon sees the longest, and most boring, game ever, but the big sports news of the week is still THE TAPPIN CUP. Captain Swagger will post his report here soon- bet you can't wait to read all about it ?

Is it "over & out " for CB ?

Guest Blogger Rob still wants to write, so why not I say ? Anyway A great victory for Moreton off the last ball against Mill St.